Alcoholism

Google’s definition of a Rube Goldberg project is a “contraption, invention, device or apparatus that is deliberately over-engineered or overdone to perform a very simple task in a very complicated fashion, usually including a chain reaction.”

Here’s a cute little diagram of a Rube Goldberg example:

My sister and a bunch of her friends had to create a Rube Goldberg project for their science class. They put, like, 60ish hours into this project. They taped every single try. Try after try after try. There was hope each time right before they cut the string on the first object that this might be the time it worked.

After over 100 tries, they called it quits. The project didn’t work. (Don’t worry- they still got credit for effort.)

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Being co-dependent on an alcoholic seems to be like that. I wouldn’t know because I’m not co-dependent on an alcoholic, but someone in my life is.

He/she said today that he/she hasn’t given up hope on the alcoholic because he/she is optimistic that maybe this time- the ten million and eighth time-would be better.

It won’t be.

He/she is going to hope time after time for his/her own personal Rube Goldberg project to work. And it won’t. The project is a failure. The only way to get an A for this project is to accept defeat, give up, and try better on the next assignment- whatever that may be.

For the outsiders, alcoholism is scary. But I think those who are co-dependent on alcoholics are scarier. Because at least we know that the alcoholics have a serious disease. The others… Well, they just don’t know how to live without the alcoholic.

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If there’s one thing I’ve learned from having an alcoholic and a co-dependent in my life (well, besides to stay away from drinking alcohol regularly), it’s that the only person I truly ever need is myself. That might sound super cynical but it’s really not. It’s just that, now I know if someone comes into my life and treats me or the ones I love badly, I know that I will survive without them. I know I’ll need to get rid of them. And that I will be okay.

Once I live under my own roof and get to choose who gets to be in my life, I'll make sure that nobody who brings me constant sadness will get to be around me.

I deserve kindness, happiness, respect, love and positivity. And I am so, so close to being able to get rid of the people who don't give me those things.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

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Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

The World Is Vastly Important and I Am Not

You ever have one of those days that's actually pretty great and then a bunch of stuff happens and it turns into the worst day ever? That was today.

This is obviously going to be a sad blog. My feelings are validated because I say so. Blogging/writing helps me deal with being sad. If you don't like that, then stop reading.

Do you ever start to think about the big picture? Like wow- I only have one friend at my high school that I trust and would call a "best friend." Everyone else... Well. I certainly love a lot of people. And I know a lot of people at least like me. But do I trust them? Not really. Will I talk to them after high school? Who knows? Do they know anything important about me? Nope.

Like there are so many people that I would do anything for just to make sure they'd be happy. But that isn't reciprocated. And I know that. But there are nights like tonight when that sets in and makes me sad.

Sometimes I wonder if the world would be better off without me but I realize that that's kind of vain. I don't have that big of an effect on the world. Einstein and George Washington and John Lennon died. And people got on with their lives. So of course they'd get on without me. Duh.

When I moved to Washington, I told myself to not get close to anyone because people always leave or disappoint. But people were nice and so I got close to them anyway. And it is my senior year and I am about to graduate and the leaving and the disappointing are happening.

I sort of regret it a little bit. But then again, I did make some really cool memories. And for awhile, like last summer through the end of 2014, I really felt like I belonged and I was apart of something. And it was great. Really, it was.

"Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody." -The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Life will probably go on. Probably. Most likely. Definitely.

And other people will disappoint me and I'll get over it. And as the days pass, the pain will hurt less. And one day I'll probably be able to look back and say it was all worth it. I certainly hope so.

But for now, I feel alone and sad and let down. And nobody can convince me that my feeling this way is wrong or dumb or anything else.

Feelings can't be wrong. They're feelings.

And in the end, I know that anyone who's worth it will stick around. They'll support me and listen and won't judge. They'll respect my decisions and not act as if my emotions are being wrongly felt. They'll force me to talk about the things making me sad even if I lie and say I don't want to. They'll love me the way I am and they won't talk over me and they'll remind me that I'm worth it. And I will do the same to them. That is a best friend. And that is what I deserve. That's what you deserve, too, by the way.

May tomorrow bring more smiles and less tears. And may we be happy.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Internet Friends

Before I begin, here are two little notes:

• If you are one of my Internet friends and I didn't mention you I STILL LOVE YOU SO MUCH I SWEAR YOU ARE THE BEE'S KNEES AND YOU ARE PERFECT. I just decided to not write about God knows how many (40? 80? the world may never know) friends I've made over social media.
• If you're someone I know in real life, surprise! You can make friends over the Internet that don't end up being 55-year-old creepy white men. How cool! :-)

So here are some of my friends the first time I ever met up with them.

Look how lovely they are. They just make my heart smile. Okay so now I'm going to quickly talk about 5 beautiful friends I have.

1.) Daleeya - Daleeya is a ball of joy. She's easy to talk to and she is my concert buddy. Daleeya has taught me that it's okay to go to a ridiculous amount of concerts if I want to. She's made me realize that it is completely fine for concerts to be my happy place. And that's so cool! Next week, I'm going to a concert for a band called Against The Current here in Seattle. Unfortunately, I was the only one among my friends who got a VIP ticket. This VIP ticket means I'll be showing up early, meeting the band, getting early access to merch, watching an acoustic show, etc. Now Daleeya and our other friend will both be there for the regular concert, but I will be alone for the VIP portion... And if it wasn't for Daleeya, I don't think I'd be brave enough to do it by myself. Yes, I'm going to be alone but I'm going to go meet an amazing band and it'll be great. Plus, I get to chill with Daleeya during the real concert. YAY.

Daleeya and me heading to the store to warm up for a little 

while our friends were saving our spots in line for the Bad Suns concert.

2.) Bailey - I created the account that connected me to all of these people during the first week of November 2014. It's only March now but one thing that I have gained phenomenally fast is confidence. Self-love. Not hating myself. Bailey is the person who- not even knowingly- helped me the most with this. Bailey is a beautiful person who holds herself really well. When I first met her, I was intimidated because of this. My thought process was kind of like: "Okay this girl is beautiful. She's funny. She must have some true talent to make the wings of her eyeliner look that good... But she knows she's beautiful. And that's weird. Nobody knows they're beautiful." And at that point in my life, I believed that to be true. It is so rare for me to come across someone who loves him/herself... which, now, is really hard for me to think about. And the people that do love themselves aren't cocky or selfish or full of themselves... They're just them. And they know there's nothing wrong with them. And now it seems silly to ever think otherwise. I'm beautiful and pretty good at putting makeup on others and I'm good at writing and I'm caring and I'm all these awesome adjectives; however, previous to November, had someone asked what I liked about myself, I could not have responded. It's weird how one person that I don't even know that well changed every thought I had about myself. The Internet is weird. But Bailey rocks.

The only picture Bailey and I have taken together (which is weird to think about).

She's the one directly to my left!

3.) Melisa - I could go on for hours about how much this girl inspires me.  Although Melisa is younger than I am, I absolutely look up to her.  She really taught me how important it is to take care of myself.  It's okay to take a day off if you're too depressed to get out of bed.  It's okay to put yourself before others- and to not feel guilty about it.  When I went to her house for her birthday party, Melisa actually supported me when I told her I really needed to go home and be alone.  She's the type of friend I hope everyone has. She's so intelligent and, even now, after all this time of knowing her, her wisdom shocks me constantly. It is so great having a friend that I can talk to about feminism and equal rights and the acceptance of mental illnesses.  I could talk to Melisa for years and never get bored or angry.  I aim to be more like her every day. (Also, just gonna throw it out there that when Melisa's eyes are in the sunlight and they're all glittery and sparkly... It's the prettiest sight of all time.)

Melisa and me in front of the fountain at Key Arena at our last

big meetup which was actually for her birthday!

4.) Logan - Logan has taught me that it's okay to love celebrities.  It sounds silly but I adore her for teaching me this.  People like Ed Sheeran, 5 Seconds of Summer, One Direction, etc. have made such an impact on my life and I do genuinely love them.  They give me reasons to smile and laugh and be into music. Adults often laugh at fangirls and fanboys for loving artists and spending money on them when it's considered normal for grown men and women to spend endless amounts of money on tickets to sporting events and jerseys with the names of people they'll never meet on them. Logan has showed me that, yeah, I love Michael Clifford and Harry Styles. And that's awesome. Because music is actually what brought ALL of my Internet friends and me together. We wouldn't even know each other otherwise. I love these artists not only for giving me amazing music to listen to but also because they've created all these new friendships. So yes, I love them. And it's not embarrassing. It's rad. (Thank you, Logan.)

Logan (the blond directly to my right) and me the first time we met

featuring a happy Grace :)

5.) Leilee - Lastly, Leilee. Where do I even start? Leilee was my first friend that I made on a social media site other than YouTube (quick shout out to Lexi and Summer and my YouTube pals). We started talking immediately about stuff that wasn't super on-the-surface and that's how I knew I liked her. We just get along so well and she makes me so happy. I picture Leilee being one of my bridesmaids if I ever get married. She's the type of person that I could talk to all day, every day and not get bored, but she's also the person that if I don't talk to for awhile, then when we start talking again, we pick up right where we left off. I adore her. Leilee is kind and beautiful and hilarious and genuine and the best friend I could've ever asked for. I'm so lucky to know her and to have her in my life. Meeting her was one of the best days of my life and the only reason I forced back tears was because there were way too many pictures being taken that day for my eye makeup to be ruined (not even joking ok this was a big day).

Moments after Leilee and I first met when she showed up for the Bad Suns concert.

I love this picture so much because look how great she looks and how happy I look even

though like half my face is squished.

Just gonna throw this out here real quick... If you want to see Leilee and me meeting for the first time, here's a cute little Vine that will allow you to do so: https://vine.co/v/Ot1vg9E0Zlh

So that's that, I suppose. Moral of the story: Internet friends are cool. They are not all psychotic, elderly men. So that's good news.

The reason that I even thought up this blog was because we all know I've struggled with depression for a very long time and this week has just been pretty rough for me. But I tried thinking of things I'm grateful for and these people came to mind.

Look at all these reasons to keep on living:

:)

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan