As far as work goes- Target has offered me 40 hours throughout the holiday season, and my last day at Ross is this Wednesday! It'll be so nice not having 14-hour work days, and to have 2 days off a week; however, I'm actually really going to miss a lot of the people I worked with at Ross (and how there was so much to do that the days flew by).
Other than work, only a few exciting things have happened recently. My roommate, Brooke, and I ventured down to San Francisco last month to see Harry Styles in concert! It was his first-ever concert as a solo artist, and it'll definitely go down as one of my favorite nights ever.
The drive down, however, did leave us encountering a mountain that was on fire to the right of us... but seeing the city of San Francisco is always a pleasure.
And then today Brooke and I went with two of our other roommates, Natalie and Rhynell, to a pumpkin patch! Not only did I enter my first-ever corn maze, but there were also sunflowers and the cheapest pumpkins of all time.
That's about it- as far as adventures go. I've been to the movies a few times, but that's kinda it. (Sidenote: Go see Kingsman: The Golden Circle and thank me later.)
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Moving on to mental health (slight trigger warning)... Things have been a little shaky. Most days are good, but there are lots of little moments where my old thoughts come bursting in. The most common of which seems to be "what's the point?"
My family is either in Michigan or Washington. And my two best friends are in Washington and Illinois. And I'm still so far away from the 1-year mark of living here to receive in-state tuition to go back to college.
When I lived in Washington, I didn't have to pay rent, so my "point" was to attend conventions that made me so unbelievably happy. But with rent now due once a month, that's not possible. A convention was recently announced for January whose guests include the actors who portray Captain America, Spider-Man, the Winter Soldier, the Falcon, Peggy Carter, and Liz and Ned from Spider-Man: Homecoming, and, being a massive Marvel fan, this is the convention of my dreams. And as my friends are purchasing their tickets, I'm just sort of watching in the wings because I simply am unable to do so. Funny how saving $1,000 wasn't a big deal when rent wasn't a thing. Amazing, right?
But like I said, most days are good. I get so swept up in work and customers that I don't have time to focus on this. It's just the moments when life slows down and I start wondering what the point of everything is that I feel the sadness start to set in a bit. I get nervous thinking of January coming around and seeing my friends at this convention without me and how the sadness will affect me then. It's this daily struggle- and I know it's all so silly. But without these silly conventions to look forward to, my life is simply work-home-sleep-repeat, and unlike seemingly every other human who recognizes the normality of that, I can't get over how pointless it all feels to me.
I wish I could go inside my head and rewire all my thoughts into being okay with simplicity. I wish I could look forward to a life that includes a job I don't love, and a family I can't afford, and the emptiness of retirement, but I can't bring myself to do that. I've never been able to. And I'm not sure how to go forward into a better, more productive thought process. I'd like to try, but I don't know the steps to get there.
Anyway- I'd like to end on a somewhat positive note, so some good news is that I'm going home for 5 days next week. I get to see my family and my puppies! Maybe I'm in need of a break from this routine.
Fingers crossed that things start to look up again, and that I find my "point."
-Jordan xx
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