Blogging is often very on-the-surface kind of conversation. I, however, have never been one to talk about the weather. I don't care about what you had for lunch last week or what gossip you heard from your great-aunt's sister's friend who lives around the world.
I'm much more fascinated by hearing about your story. I want to know where you grew up and what your family was like. Tell me about the sports you played as a kid and who your first celebrity crush was. I'd like to know what your favorite meal is so that I can cook it for your birthday. Tell me about who broke your heart and the stories behind each scar.
With that being said, I'm going to jump into a subject that I often talk about, but others may not. I've just kind of learned that by sharing my personal experiences -successes
and failures; strengths
and weaknesses- I might help another person. And that'd be really cool. So, in hopes that I might help one person by writing this blog... well, I'm going to write this blog.
What I Would've Missed Out On
When I was 12, an acquaintance committed suicide. I say "acquaintance" instead of "friend" because that is what we were. It's that way with living people- saying "acquaintance" if we're acquaintances and "friend" if we're friends and so I think talking about those who've passed should be the same way. I feel like saying we were friends would be disrespectful- as if I were to be looking for pity. But I'm not. This is just where this blog's story begins.
I had a rough childhood. I lived with an alcoholic and grew up with verbal abuse. I hated my body from the second I started 2nd grade at age 7. Even back then, I preferred to be alone. I isolated myself when I wasn't at school.
And so when this acquaintance killed himself, the idea of suicide seeped into my skin like poison. It was all I could think about. If I was in science class, I'd finish the notes and just sit there, staring into space, and plan how I could do it. I thought of the ways to say goodbye in a letter. For awhile, I thought I should only write one letter but then I decided to write one letter to each important person in my life. Then maybe I'd just write a generic goodbye on Facebook?
I thought about who would attend my funeral. There were girls at my school who did not like me. I wondered if they'd pretend to be sad to get attention or if they'd smile and be glad I was gone. I thought of the people who might want to give speeches. I wondered if anyone would recite an important memory. I wondered if I'd be able to watch my funeral.
I wondered if I'd be allowed into Heaven or if the sin was too great to go anywhere besides hell.
But let me remind you of something:
I was twelve.
If I had done it- if I'd have killed myself- I would've missed out on
so much. Just thinking about how it could've all ended with the gun in the basement... It really messes with my head.
Let me walk you through some of the awesome things that have happened to me since age 12.
- In 8th grade, a middle school in the district closed and so a ton of new students arrived at my school. I became best friends with an awesome girl for two years. We don't talk now, but that's okay. It was a good friendship while I lasted. She shaped me into who I am today. I am no longer afraid and outspoken. And I never told her thank you for that, but... If you're reading this (and you know who you are) thank you.
- Towards the end of 7th grade, I dated a boy. We dated for 2 and a half years. We're no good for each other now and we might never talk again but I'm okay. I learned a lot. And now I know what I want in future relationships. Plus, it was the best experience having a best friend like that for a couple years.
- I was on several volleyball teams and at that time, I loved it. I remember just thoroughly enjoying myself and being content on the court with teammates I could count on.
- I spent a year with the best therapist in the world. I mean, she was phenomenal. And that's an experience that'll benefit me forever.
- I did outpatient twice at a hospital for my depression and anxiety and, although I hated it at the time, I am thankful for it now because it was a place where I could be myself and I learned a lot about myself there.
- My mom got a job in Washington and so we moved here.
- I now go to the best school ever. And, no, I do not love school. I don't like waking up at 6 nor am I in love with the way American school systems are run; however, if I had the option of choosing any school in the world because I had to go to school, it would be this one.
- I created an anonymous Twitter account and found a place to share my poetry and feelings. It's really quite a cool concept. It's a nice escape when I need it.
- I found an awesome youth group that accepts me for who I am... even on my bad days.
- I've grown closer with my little sister which is quite the improvement considering we used to not be able to be in the same room without screaming at each other.
- I've made some unbelievable friends here in Washington. These are friends that always have my back. These are the friends that know to not believe me when I say I'm fine. These are the friends that, unlike previous friends, will not turn on me or try to beat me down. These are real, genuine friends.
- I traveled across Europe with my cousin/best friend. I spent my 16th birthday in the castle that inspired Cinderella's. I stood in a red telephone booth near Big Ben. I ate dinner in Paris. I visited Harry Potter studios. I was at Hogwarts. I was in the Great Hall. I traveled across Europe, you guys.
- I read some amazing books. I watched some awesome movies. I can't imagine my life without "Harry Potter" or "Divergent" or "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" or "Frozen," considering I watch one of them every day and am constantly rereading the books (besides "Frozen," of course, which is not a book).
- I visited Forks, WA, which is where "Twilight" takes place, of course, last year for spring break. I also went to La Push and saw people surfing in the ocean for the first time in real life.
- I became a manager for my school's dance team and had the privilege of working with them and doing their makeup all year. I watched them give it their all at state and I'd never been so proud.
- I received a video made by the captains of the dance team. The video was of people around school and girls from the team saying amazing things about me. To this day, I cannot believe that people took the time out of their day to do that for me. No gift will ever measure up to that video.
- I got a tattoo that says "Redemption" and I think you'll get why once you've read the entire blog post.
- I went to homecoming and tolo (girls-ask-guys) with wonderful people and actually had fun.
- I created YouTube channels and learned so much about beauty and made friends all over the world because of it.
- I've seen so many artists in concert and each experience was phenomenal because I think the idea of being in a huge room with hundreds/thousands of people that love the same thing you do is amazing.
- I've seen nature and I've seen cities and I've realized that Earth is so beautiful.
As I said before, I have no use for on-the-surface conversation. This implies that I have no use for lying; therefore, I will not lie and say I am cured and happy and carefree. Life is hard and I'm usually quite sad and suicide is a thought that has not strayed from my mind for 4 years now. I've written countless suicide notes and all of them are still in my closet because I'm not sure if I want to get rid of them.
But looking back and reliving the good times gives me hope.
If you're suicidal, there are a few things that help me during my really bad moments.
- Go for a walk. I know it might sound stupid, but the exercise relieves anxiety. If you're into photography, then you should find things to take pictures of on your walk, even if it's just with your phone!
- Write. Write, write, write.
- Text a friend. Again, it might seem silly, but you'd be surprised how much some people can relate.
- Vent online. I do it on that anonymous Twitter account I mentioned and on Tumblr. It works for me.
- Rip paper. My therapist I mentioned used to tear up phone books with me and it got out a lot of anger. It's being destructive without causing anyone harm.
This isn't a bad life. It's just a rough patch, I hope. I think that maybe I'll get through it and if I do, I'll be able to look back and be proud of myself.
If you're like me, I'm
so proud of you for sticking around. I think it is so brave of you to continue life when you want to die because I know how hard it is.
And so if you're depressed or suicidal or just
sad, I am proud of you for getting up today. And if you got out of bed, good for you. If you didn't, that's okay too. Your health - physical
and mental - comes before anything, including work, school and everything else. The most important thing is keeping you alive.
And if I would've killed myself at 12, I would've missed out on all of this. I would've missed out on watching my family grow up and moving to Washington and meeting the friends I now have. I would've missed out on my first love and my youth group and seeing so many parts of the world.
There are days when I do not want to get out of bed, yes; but never think that I regret my choice. Because I chose life. And I'm trying to keep choosing it. It's a daily battle. But I've made it this far and I think that's pretty cool.
-Jordan xx
Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans
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