Last January, I moved to Washington. Since I've been here for over a year, you'd think that I'd stop considering myself to be "the new girl" still. But there's so much that happened before I got here that I missed out on. All of these people went to elementary and middle school together. They have stories of birthday parties and inside jokes about old teachers. These people I go to school with have had some opportunities that I haven't. And although almost everyone at my school is kind and welcoming, there are still moments when I feel out of place.
I've been really struggling with lots of things for awhile now and have therefore become just as antisocial as I used to be, taking a hundred steps backwards. I can't tell you the last time I asked a friend to hang out instead of staying home by myself. And having this social anxiety doesn't mean I hate people because I don't. I love people. It's just that the idea of going out sounds a lot less fantastic than just staying home and writing.
For the past couple of weeks I helped out with makeup for a musical. We all know I adore doing makeup, but forcing myself to show up to this musical several times a week was sort of out of my comfort zone even though I hardly did anything.
I think maybe the reason I feel so awkward around everyone is because I feel as though I've just invaded everyone's lives. Like, nobody asked me to move to Kamiak. Nobody asked me to eat lunch in his/her space. Nobody asked for me to try and be his/her friend. Yet here I am, in everyone's way.
The reason I'm writing this blog now and not a few months ago is because last night, I was social. I went to a party that the entire musical cast was invited to. The crew, techies, pit and directors were there as well. Before getting in the car to go the party, I had half a mind to just walk home, but my friends convinced me that nothing bad would happen and I'd regret not going.
Even though one of the directors invited me to the party, I cannot even begin to describe how out of place I felt. I walked into that house with shaking hands and a racing heart. I was just waiting for someone to ask me to leave. I looked at a few of my friends and just kept saying "I don't belong here."
And I know this all seems silly. Going to a party with not only a bunch of your friends but with awesome teachers shouldn't be such a big deal. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't seem to handle it. If it hadn't been for my one friend who asked people to make room for me where we were all sitting, I think my anxiety would have made me leave and walk home.
Sometimes I wonder if I can still do this. It can be really exhausting being this anxious all the time. Most days, I have an internal battle with myself before even heading to where I sit for lunch because I'm afraid people don't want me there but are too kind to say so.
Sometimes I wonder if I should've done homeschooling.
Sometimes I feel like I might explode.
Everyone here is so nice, but I don't fit in.
And of course I don't want anyone to read this and think that giving into your disorder is okay because I know it isn't. And I'd like to be a role model for people who are struggling. Maybe I'm just going through a rough patch and need to blog it out.
It's just a constant war inside my mind and I can't tell which part of me is winning and which is losing.
-Jordan xx
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