This is obviously going to be a sad blog. My feelings are validated because I say so. Blogging/writing helps me deal with being sad. If you don't like that, then stop reading.
Do you ever start to think about the big picture? Like wow- I only have one friend at my high school that I trust and would call a "best friend." Everyone else... Well. I certainly love a lot of people. And I know a lot of people at least like me. But do I trust them? Not really. Will I talk to them after high school? Who knows? Do they know anything important about me? Nope.
Like there are so many people that I would do anything for just to make sure they'd be happy. But that isn't reciprocated. And I know that. But there are nights like tonight when that sets in and makes me sad.
Sometimes I wonder if the world would be better off without me but I realize that that's kind of vain. I don't have that big of an effect on the world. Einstein and George Washington and John Lennon died. And people got on with their lives. So of course they'd get on without me. Duh.
When I moved to Washington, I told myself to not get close to anyone because people always leave or disappoint. But people were nice and so I got close to them anyway. And it is my senior year and I am about to graduate and the leaving and the disappointing are happening.
I sort of regret it a little bit. But then again, I did make some really cool memories. And for awhile, like last summer through the end of 2014, I really felt like I belonged and I was apart of something. And it was great. Really, it was.
"Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody." -The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Life will probably go on. Probably. Most likely. Definitely.
And other people will disappoint me and I'll get over it. And as the days pass, the pain will hurt less. And one day I'll probably be able to look back and say it was all worth it. I certainly hope so.
But for now, I feel alone and sad and let down. And nobody can convince me that my feeling this way is wrong or dumb or anything else.
Feelings can't be wrong. They're feelings.
And in the end, I know that anyone who's worth it will stick around. They'll support me and listen and won't judge. They'll respect my decisions and not act as if my emotions are being wrongly felt. They'll force me to talk about the things making me sad even if I lie and say I don't want to. They'll love me the way I am and they won't talk over me and they'll remind me that I'm worth it. And I will do the same to them. That is a best friend. And that is what I deserve. That's what you deserve, too, by the way.
May tomorrow bring more smiles and less tears. And may we be happy.
-Jordan xx
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