ALIVE AND HAPPY

WOW IT IS ALMOST THE END OF 2014 AND A LOT HAS CHANGED

Most of my blog posts are sad because I am usually a sad person. BUT YAY I HAVE A HAPPY POST FOR YOU TODAY!

So it's Christmas Eve right now and my mind has been going crazy all day. I just can't stop thinking about everything I'm grateful for. SO I'M GONNA WRITE ABOUT IT.

1.) FIRST OF ALL (you can tell I'm happy because I keep using caps), I am so grateful for all the new friends I've made recently! Because of one silly little Twitter account, my friend group has grown exponentially since the beginning of November. These girls (most of which are from the greater-Seattle area) have become some of my best friends. I am so blessed to  have them in my life. (Quick shoutout to Ashley, Liv, Olivia, Leilee, Lauralai, Hannah, Jordon, Jordan, Lily, Kenz, Logan and Taylor. Love all of you so much!)

2.) I am grateful for my puppy. Four years ago today, I received him as a Christmas gift. No other gift will ever amount to him. My love for Brady is unreal. I'm so very happy that I've stuck around to see him get older.

3.) I am thankful that I moved to Washington. I don't know if you believe in a Higher Power, but I do. And I think He/She/It really took care of me by moving me across the country.

4.) I am thankful to be apart of the dance team at my school. Because of it, I have a wonderful new family. These girls are bright, intelligent, talented, creative, lovely, and kind. I would take a bullet for any of them without hesitation. They keep me going on days where I don't want to go anymore. AND NOT ONLY AM I GRATEFUL FOR THE GIRLS, I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE EXPERIENCE. This team has done so much more for me than just giving me some makeup practice. They've taught me patience and understanding and a hell of a lot about dance. Plus, the trips I take with this team are ones I'll remember forever... Like the trip we'll be off on in 2 AND A HALF DAYS TO DISNEY/UNIVERSAL WITH THE BAND AND COLORGUARD! I am thankful for the opportunity to go when I was sure I wasn't going to be able to.

5.) I am grateful for all the times I've gotten to travel. I've been to Japan, Scotland, England, France, Germany, Michigan, Washington, Mexico, Florida, Canada, Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, California, Massachusetts, and probably more places that I'll remember later. The world is so big and so wonderful and I plan on seeing more of it.

6.) I am thankful for people like my sister and my cousins. They give me reasons to stick around. I don't want to miss out on anything. I want to see them grow up. I want to be around for that.

7.) I'm grateful for all the concerts I've been to. I'm grateful for all the bands I'm in love with. There's nothing quite like music to calm you down on bad days.

8.) I'm thankful for YouTube. The friendships it has brought me are incredible and the fact that I've gotten to travel and meet awesome people because of it is so insane... It blows my mind.

9.) I'm grateful for all my friends back home and around the country/world... But I'm also grateful for my friends right here in Washington. These people have seen what a mess I am and they have stuck around. A few years ago, I could count the people I considered real friends on one hand but now... I mean, wow. I have too many friends. More than I could've ever asked for. More than I deserve. Like, I considered listing them all in this post, but the amount of names I would've typed out... It would've taken forever. I love you guys. I'd do anything for you. You know who you are. I love you. Thank you for keeping me going. You rock.

10.) I am thankful for my mind. The way I think is very different from anyone else that I've ever met. I've learned to question all kinds of things that people never question. It's fascinating. Question everything. If that's one thing you take away from this blog post, take away that: Question everything. And don't take some snobby adult's answer of "because I said so" as a real answer.

OKAY WOW I'M GONNA STOP THERE BECAUSE I COULD GO ON FOREVER BUT TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS AND I WANT TO SLEEP NOW.

Please know that I was a mess. For years. I've had more labels slapped on me than a soup can. But I'm getting better. I really am. And I just really want you to know that it gets better. Please listen to me when I say that. Like... you really don't get how bad I was. I was really, really bad, guys. I don't want to go into details because I don't want to make the ending of this depressing. But I was bad. I'm getting better now. It took 17.5 years, but hey. Better late than never.

My life is never what I would've expected it to be... But it's wonderful.

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE. I LOVE MY LIFE. THINGS ARE GOING TO BE OKAY AND I AM GOING TO GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL AND CONTINUE LIVING AND WRITE A LOT AND MAKE MORE FRIENDS AND GO ON ADVENTURES.

Because I've just kinda decided to live. And it's gonna be rad.

Lots of love sent from me to you this holiday season! Cheers. xx

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

10 Wonderful Things A Horrible Person Taught Me

Let me tell you about a few things I've learned over the past few... 17ish... years of my life. There was was is this one person who did a very good job of teaching me some lessons. I don't particularly like this person. But one thing is for certain: he/she I won't specify a gender for the sake of his/her anonymity has left some thoughts in my brain that will last a life time. (There will be swear words in this post. I think you can probably handle it.)

1. When you call someone a name, no matter how young this person may be even if she can't multiply or divide yet, that person will absolutely remember it for the rest of her life. The names will infect her like a disease and she will think that "bitch" and "c***" and "lazy" and "useless" are accurate ways to describe herself. She will write them down in poems and cry herself to sleep more often than not. She will recall all these horrific names as she's having her third panic attack of the week in school after a flashback has occurred. She will have to explain to all of her teachers in high school that she's just a little off and needs to step outside of the room most days.

2. Making fun of a person's mental illnesses is never okay. Especially if you're someone that played a major role in the creation of said illnesses. Laughing at how someone sometimes can't get through a full day of school or can't focus or do anything right will never get her or you anywhere. She is trying to forget all the awful memories you gave her but most days, they are too much. They are the weight of the world and Jupiter and Saturn and the moon.

3. Making fun of someone's weight only proves how insecure you are about yourself. The number on the scale tells you your proportion to gravity. That's it. That stupid number won't tell you your self-worth. Or how many lives you've saved. Or how many moments you've laughed. Or how many days you stayed strong when you wanted to quit. That stupid number won't tell you how brave you are or how beautiful you are or how worth it you are.

4. If you are larger than someone and you use that to your advantage to physically intimidate him/her, then you are a disgusting human creature.

5. If you don't like a religion, DON'T PRACTICE IT. IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM WILL YOU BASHING ON HER RELIGION MAKE HER CHANGE HER MIND OR LOVE YOU ANY MORE. For example, I'm a Christian. My best friend in an athiest. I respect her. She respects me. We agree that there are endless possibilities, but we believe what we believe and that's that. Which is how it should be.

6. Don't get married or have kids or be apart of anything, really, until you're completely comfortable with yourself. You can't be a piece of something and expect it to be whole if you yourself are not, in fact, whole.

7. Alcohol will halt your kindness before it halts your heart.

8. Switching addictions is like switching seats on the Titanic.

9. Living in the past will break your heart.

10. Denial will tear you up into pieces so tiny that you won't be visible to the human eye. You will be dust. Invisible. Nothing. Own up to what you've done.


So there you have it. 10 wonderful things I learned from a not-so-wonderful person. But life goes on and I'll take these lessons with me. Now I know exactly who I don't want to be.

I will be better.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Falling In Love or Falling Apart

They say you only write when you are falling in love or falling apart. Recently, I haven't been doing either.

Life, more often that not, is a roller coaster. Hills and mountains. Either something going insanely wrong or wonderfully right. But my life has been like a kiddie ride this past month or so, with no real dips or curves. Meaning nothing major has really happened that's inspired me to write.

Writer's block. No motivation to write. No ideas to share. Nothing to really say.

But in times like these, when I am not writing, I am thinking. So I've been quieter than normal. Just because my mouth is not moving does not mean the same for my thoughts... which isn't so bad. There are times in our lives when we must speak. When we need to tell our story or give advice or participate. And there are times in our lives when we just really need to listen. I think I'm going through a listening phase right now.

I've been telling my story for years. Perhaps I'm just tired of hearing it. I keep repeating the same thing and looking for a different way to tell it. Like I'm hoping for a different ending or something. Like I'm hoping to have learned another lesson somewhere along the way that I won't be able to remember until I mention it aloud. But that isn't the case.

So I've been thinking. And that leads to worrying. And worrying is silly because it's useless. But it's been happening anyway. I've been thinking about graduating and college and my friends in other parts of the country and my past and the mistakes I've made and the mistakes I might be making at this very moment and music and my dreams and more than I could ever write down. Maybe that's part of my writer's block. My thoughts move faster than my hand does and I get frustrated that my muscles can't keep up with what I want to get down in words.

So I'll just keep on listening, I suppose. Maybe I'll learn something cool. Like patience or something else I don't know how to do. Maybe I'll hear someone's story and be motivated to write about it. Until then, I'll stay in my quiet little world.

And this blog post was random and had no point but it is what it is. I guess you're only supposed to write when you're falling in love or falling apart.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

WHEN

I wrote this for my creative writing class and decided to share it on here. Our assignment was to write about our names. So here it goes.

                When I was born, “Jordan” stood for beauty.  The beauty of a newborn.  The beauty of hope for a new life.  The possibilities are endless for someone whose life had only begun moments ago.  This baby might’ve been all kinds of things.  Perhaps Jordan would be a movie star; an engineer; a professional athlete; a designer.  Maybe Jordan would end up having bright blue eyes like her mom and gorgeous, wavy locks of hair that were as dark as midnight.  But after I was taken home from the hospital, no one thought of those things.  Because “Jordan” had a new meaning.  This Jordan that they brought home would scream and fuss and be annoying.  Between changing endless diapers and feedings in the middle of the night, there was no time to think of beauty.

                When I started school, “Jordan” meant shy and terrified.  I would cry and scream when my mother left me.  I hated strangers.  I wasn’t good with new people.  The teachers shushed me and promised a day of fun activities and learning.  Eventually, I would calm down.  Except for this one time when I actually made myself so sick from crying that I threw up.  The principal of my preschool called my   mom and sent me home.  I continued to be this intimidated, scared girl throughout kindergarten as well.  I refused to even smile for pictures.  Mrs. Mosher sent my report card home with 3s and 4s and a comment that said: “Jordan is one of the smartest students in my class.  I’ve just never seen her smile.”

                When I got to middle school, “Jordan” meant intelligent and friendly.   Just not friendly enough to be friends with the popular kids.  I worked hard and got all A’s all three years because that was the only way I knew to make my parents proud.  When I wasn’t acing my classes, I was doing my best to weasel my way into the popular crowd.  I changed my style of clothes and began to talk more.  I stopped hiding behind books and graphic tees and found myself dating one of the football players.

                When two and a half years had passed, “Jordan” meant depressed and lonely and breakdowns every five minutes.  The football player left and his friends were mean.  I dropped by school once a week to grab my work.  I stayed home where the words and perfectly manicured hands could not reach me.  This Jordan could also be known as pathetically hopeful.  Little did she know that just because you date someone for 2 and a half years does not mean they are your soulmate or that you belong together.

                When it was January of 2013, “Jordan” meant hope.  Hope for new adventures; hope that life would be better; hope that I could get away from a specific person in my family.  It was in the middle of my sophomore year that I moved with my mom and sister to Washington- 2,371 miles from my hometown of Waterford, Michigan.   I started at a school that had five buildings and sixteen portables.  There was an entire building dedicated to fine arts and two dedicated to sports.  The other buildings were several stories and long hallways filled with opportunities.  2,000 shiny new people wandered the school.  I kept my head down and waited for someone to say hi.

                It is now within the first month of my senior year and “Jordan” has a definition that has never been heard before.  Now, my name radiates bravery.  It waves to people in the hallway and holds doors open for strangers.  “Jordan” is a story of courage and kindness.  My name is strong enough to get up every morning to go to school and it compliments people who seem to be having a rough day.  “Jordan” is the name of someone who did not quit and is going to survive and go to school thousands of miles away from here and is going to be happy and write a lot and play guitar and sing about how love doesn’t always work out but it’s okay because everything happens for a reason.  “Jordan” is the motivational speeches I give and the anonymous accounts I have online to stop suicide.  It is the older sister protecting the younger.

It is the story of change; of beauty, and intelligence, friendliness, hope, and bravery.   “Jordan” is the story of a girl who had the world figured out by age ten but still believed that it could be a wonderful place.  And although every website says the definition of my name is “to descend” or “to flow down” like the river that runs between the countries of Jordan and Israel, I disagree.  My name means a whole lot more than to be like a river.  My name is a story.  A story that isn’t over just quite yet.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Be Brave

You know how sometimes you read a book or watch a movie and it really impacts the way you think? Divergent was like that for me. If you don't know anything about it, Divergent is a sci-fi in which a society has 5 factions. Each faction puts one specific character trait over everything else.

The Erudite admire intelligence.
Abnegation - selflessness.
Amity - peacefulness.
Candor - honesty.
Dauntless - bravery.

So, with me being an obsessed fan an all- I've of course taken plenty of quizzes to see which faction I belong to and I can happily tell you that I'm Dauntless.

The topic of this blog is so random. Like, who even cares about Divergent? But I had a dream about it last night and it got me thinking.


I grew up being anything but brave. Thankfully, things have changed.

It is brave to hang out with people you haven't before.

(They just might end up being awesome & there's a huge possibility that you'll form a group with

the 7 of you.)

It's brave to jump of docks into freezing water.

(You might regret not doing it, so just jump.)

It is brave to not worry about heights.

(Seeing the world from a new point of view is a good thing.)

It is brave to be adventurous.

(You just might end up finding something cool like a waterfall.)

It is brave to be social even if you don't want to.

(Surprisingly, you might end up laughing a lot.)

It is brave to make last-minute trips.

(Live life spontaneously. It's more fun that way.)

It's brave to travel by yourself to do things you love.

(You'll never regret doing something wonderful for yourself.)

It's brave to make friends everywhere you go.

(Even on YouTube.)

It's brave to stand up for what you believe in.

(Even if lots of people disagree.)

It's brave to grow as a person in small ways. Large leaps begin with small steps.

(Like when you were 5 and refused to smile in front of a camera, but now are taking senior pictures.)

It's brave to perform your talents in front of people even if you aren't prepared.

(It just might make someone smile.)

It's brave to finally accomplish something you've wanted to do since you were a kid.

(Like play with sparklers.)

It's brave to try new things.

(Like skateboarding. You just might love it.)

YOU MISS OUT ON SO MUCH WHEN YOU'RE SHY. 

BE CONFIDENT.

IT IS BRAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF AND SPEAK UP AND BE OUTGOING.

BE BRAVE. 

(You won't regret it.)

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

P.S. All of these photos were taken during summer vacation 2014.

It's A Good Life

Like every other teenage girl in the world, I saw The Fault in Our Stars last weekend. (Twice.) Of course, I've also read the book several times; yet, I still cried as though I didn't expect what the ending would be. 

I won't spoil anything for those of you who have not seen or read TFIOS yet, by the way. I'm just going to talk about a wonderful quote from it that inspired me to write this blog. :)

TFIOS is possibly even more quotable than Mean Girls or Elf. The author of the brilliant novel, John Green, is one of the most talented writers I've ever been introduced to. (Plus, he's a YouTuber so that automatically makes him awesome.) The book is about two teenagers named Hazel Grace Lancaster and Augustus Waters. Both of these main characters suffer/suffered from types of cancer. The story is all about their struggles and how they fall in love.

There is one quote amongst all the others, though, that I noticed when watching the movie. It's not a big quote. I'm not sure if a lot of people even really took notice to it. 

Augustus says it when he and Hazel Grace are at a park one day. Cancer, in this part of the story, is causing some serious issues and Gus just looks at her and says: "It's a good life, Hazel Grace."

Like I said, it's not a big, long quote. Just a few words, in fact. But I've been repeating them in my head now for almost a week and this is why: If a teenage boy who is dealing with cancer and all that comes along with it including loss of limbs and not being able to function properly can say that life is good... Well, I think that's incredible. 

I've talked about struggles that I've gone through and I know that you've been through hard things too. Everyone goes through tough battles. But I've just been thinking that this boy- although (unfortunately) fictional- and this quote he says. Yes, things happen. Bad, terrible things. But life has some pretty cool things too.

For one thing, I don't have cancer. I also have a really comfy bed and a TV in my room. I own 2 guitars, a ukulele, a keyboard, and, although it's not a good one, I do own a laptop. I live in a place where trees are like skyscrapers and the ocean is only minutes away. I get to see the sun set behind the mountains every night. It is so easy for me to just spend the day in a cool place like the University of Washington or Seattle. I've gotten to travel the world. I've been lucky enough to visit Japan, Mexico, Scotland & England, France, Germany,  and Canada. I've traveled through Michigan, Ohio, Massachusetts, Florida, Oregon, California, Kentucky, Indiana and Washington. I've seen glimpses of the world and it's beautiful.

I have friends that I can text any time. I have a wonderful dance team. I'm involved in an awesome youth group. I've seen an unbelievable amount of people in concert. I get to see One Direction, 5 Seconds of Summer, and Ed Sheeran all within a 5 day timespan this August. I get to have my senior pictures taken by the best photographer in the Seattle area in July. 

I have the opportunity to go out-of-state or out-of-country for college. That's amazing. I'm going to get to see even more of the world! The places I could go are endless. 

So yes, I've been through some really awful stuff that kids shouldn't have to deal with. But what are you gonna do? Although that stuff happened, some really cool things happened too.

After 11:15 tomorrow, I will be considered a senior. I have one year left in Washington before I take off on new adventures. This is my last year of high school. I plan to make the most of it.

It's a good life.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Out Of Place

It seems so weird to stand in a room with lots of people and feel really alone.

Last January, I moved to Washington. Since I've been here for over a year, you'd think that I'd stop considering myself to be "the new girl" still. But there's so much that happened before I got here that I missed out on. All of these people went to elementary and middle school together. They have stories of birthday parties and inside jokes about old teachers. These people I go to school with have had some opportunities that I haven't. And although almost everyone at my school is kind and welcoming, there are still moments when I feel out of place.

I've been really struggling with lots of things for awhile now and have therefore become just as antisocial as I used to be, taking a hundred steps backwards. I can't tell you the last time I asked a friend to hang out instead of staying home by myself. And having this social anxiety doesn't mean I hate people because I don't. I love people. It's just that the idea of going out sounds a lot less fantastic than just staying home and writing.

For the past couple of weeks I helped out with makeup for a musical. We all know I adore doing makeup, but forcing myself to show up to this musical several times a week was sort of out of my comfort zone even though I hardly did anything. 

I think maybe the reason I feel so awkward around everyone is because I feel as though I've just invaded everyone's lives. Like, nobody asked me to move to Kamiak. Nobody asked me to eat lunch in his/her space. Nobody asked for me to try and be his/her friend. Yet here I am, in everyone's way.

The reason I'm writing this blog now and not a few months ago is because last night, I was social. I went to a party that the entire musical cast was invited to. The crew, techies, pit and directors were there as well. Before getting in the car to go the party, I had half a mind to just walk home, but my friends convinced me that nothing bad would happen and I'd regret not going. 

Even though one of the directors invited me to the party, I cannot even begin to describe how out of place I felt. I walked into that house with shaking hands and a racing heart. I was just waiting for someone to ask me to leave. I looked at a few of my friends and just kept saying "I don't belong here." 

And I know this all seems silly. Going to a party with not only a bunch of your friends but with awesome teachers shouldn't be such a big deal. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't seem to handle it. If it hadn't been for my one friend who asked people to make room for me where we were all sitting, I think my anxiety would have made me leave and walk home.

Sometimes I wonder if I can still do this. It can be really exhausting being this anxious all the time. Most days, I have an internal battle with myself before even heading to where I sit for lunch because I'm afraid people don't want me there but are too kind to say so. 

Sometimes I wonder if I should've done homeschooling. 

Sometimes I feel like I might explode.

Everyone here is so nice, but I don't fit in. 

And of course I don't want anyone to read this and think that giving into your disorder is okay because I know it isn't. And I'd like to be a role model for people who are struggling. Maybe I'm just going through a rough patch and need to blog it out.

It's just a constant war inside my mind and I can't tell which part of me is winning and which is losing.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

The "Right" Way to Do Things

Before I begin, this blog might have some ideas that disagree with your own; however, I firmly believe that if you can't tolerate opinions that are different from yours, then the Internet is not the place for you. :)

The "Right" Way to Do Things

Normality

I have a million and two thoughts racing through my head right now, but I think I'm going to start this blog off by talking about a book. And it might seem silly at first but I promise there's a point to talking about this book. The book I'm going to mention here is "Paper Towns" by John Green. I know you're probably rolling your eyes, but you know, sometimes I drift away from the normal genres that I tend to read and find myself reading books that all teenage girls are reading. (AKA: anything by John Green.)

In "Paper Towns," a girl named Margo mentions that the rules for capitalization are incredibly unfair to the words in the center of a sentence and are not a proper noun. I think I agree with her. Why don't We Type like This? Because there are rules. And rules are normality. And we're all so used to normality that when we begin to detach from it, we find that we are uncomfortable.

In life, there seems to be a "right" way to go about all things. There's an order, you see. And if anyone does something out of order, it's considered wrong, such as pregnancy before marriage. But there could be a perfectly good explanation as to why the people who conceived the child aren't married. Maybe they just don't want to be married. Why isn't that answer good enough?

Because, you see, people are dying to graduate high school.

And dying to move out.

And dying to go to college.

And dying to find a partner.

And dying to have kids.

And dying to find a good job to send their kids through the same cycle.

And dying to retire.

And, it's just that I'm wondering when I'll get the chance to live.

To be perfectly honest, I don't see the point of staying in high school other than I won't be able to get into college without graduating. And that doesn't make much sense, does it? Because I don't exactly do much at school. I only have 2 real classes out of the 6 that I attend.

And I have no interest in staying in-state for college. There is so much of the world that I have yet to see. Staying in one place for too long feels suffocating. I want to explore.

I want to have a job that I like. I don't want a desk job. I refuse to ever have one. I'd like a job where I can travel or talk to people or find new things. I want to help people or write or do something that'll matter.

And maybe I'll have a husband and kids. And maybe I won't. But I know that no boy is going to follow me around the world and a few years ago, that thought would've terrified me, but I've learned so much about myself and I've realized that I'll be okay exploring the world on my own.

My mind just doesn't grasp the concept of having a small life. I want to do things. I really dislike routine and that's all life is right now. It's the same routine every day: Wake up; go to my classes; come home; do homework; sleep; repeat. No part of this lifestyle is interesting to me.

Stop Being Judgmental
Another thing that I've come to discover is that humans are awfully judgmental. And I don't want to be that way. I now realize that each person has a story and that they matter. How cool is that? Each person you meet has been though amazing things and heartbreaking things and they've seen parts of the world that you haven't. So why on earth would you judge the way someone acts or dresses or talks?

Try asking questions. I have a tattoo and I love it when people ask me what it means because the meaning behind it is huge. The tattoo is on the back of my neck and says "Redemp†ion". I got it because I love my God and my religion is what helped me get through some really horrific times in my life.

Redemption means to restore worth or value. Didn't I do that when I decided not to quit on life?

If you don't understand the way someone dresses or the way they do their hair or why they prefer a different sexuality or religion than you do, just ask. Questions are okay. Being judgmental is not.

Do What Makes You Happy
Too often in life, people do things to please others. Please don't do that.

I see kids go to the college of their dad's choice.
Or play the sport their mom loved.
Or go somewhere they didn't want to go because their friend asked them to.

Stop it. It's your life. Make your own decisions. Make decisions that will make you happy even if it's out of the ordinary.

Take a gap year if you please. Go into fashion design instead of marine biology. Find a lame apartment in a cool city and sit on the streets and talk to people who pass by.

You only have so long on this planet and you can't spend your time worrying about whether your decisions won't be "right" enough to please society.

I'm not sure what will happen to me or the rest of my life. But I do know that whatever choices I make, I will choose for me because only I know what truly makes me happy. And I know that's something we can all agree on: happiness is the real prize in this life.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

What I Would've Missed Out On

Blogging is often very on-the-surface kind of conversation. I, however, have never been one to talk about the weather. I don't care about what you had for lunch last week or what gossip you heard from your great-aunt's sister's friend who lives around the world.

I'm much more fascinated by hearing about your story. I want to know where you grew up and what your family was like. Tell me about the sports you played as a kid and who your first celebrity crush was. I'd like to know what your favorite meal is so that I can cook it for your birthday. Tell me about who broke your heart and the stories behind each scar.

With that being said, I'm going to jump into a subject that I often talk about, but others may not. I've just kind of learned that by sharing my personal experiences -successes and failures; strengths and weaknesses- I might help another person. And that'd be really cool. So, in hopes that I might help one person by writing this blog... well, I'm going to write this blog.

What I Would've Missed Out On

When I was 12, an acquaintance committed suicide. I say "acquaintance" instead of "friend" because that is what we were. It's that way with living people- saying "acquaintance" if we're acquaintances and "friend" if we're friends and so I think talking about those who've passed should be the same way. I feel like saying we were friends would be disrespectful- as if I were to be looking for pity. But I'm not. This is just where this blog's story begins.

I had a rough childhood. I lived with an alcoholic and grew up with verbal abuse. I hated my body from the second I started 2nd grade at age 7. Even back then, I preferred to be alone. I isolated myself when I wasn't at school.

And so when this acquaintance killed himself, the idea of suicide seeped into my skin like poison. It was all I could think about. If I was in science class, I'd finish the notes and just sit there, staring into space, and plan how I could do it. I thought of the ways to say goodbye in a letter. For awhile, I thought I should only write one letter but then I decided to write one letter to each important person in my life. Then maybe I'd just write a generic goodbye on Facebook?

I thought about who would attend my funeral. There were girls at my school who did not like me. I wondered if they'd pretend to be sad to get attention or if they'd smile and be glad I was gone. I thought of the people who might want to give speeches. I wondered if anyone would recite an important memory. I wondered if I'd be able to watch my funeral.

I wondered if I'd be allowed into Heaven or if the sin was too great to go anywhere besides hell.

But let me remind you of something: I was twelve.

If I had done it- if I'd have  killed myself- I would've missed out on so much. Just thinking about how it could've all ended with the gun in the basement... It really messes with my head.

Let me walk you through some of the awesome things that have happened to me since age 12.

• In 8th grade, a middle school in the district closed and so a ton of new students arrived at my school. I became best friends with an awesome girl for two years. We don't talk now, but that's okay. It was a good friendship while I lasted. She shaped me into who I am today. I am no longer afraid and outspoken. And I never told her thank you for that, but... If you're reading this (and you know who you are) thank you.
• Towards the end of 7th grade, I dated a boy. We dated for 2 and a half years. We're no good for each other now and we might never talk again but I'm okay. I learned a lot. And now I know what I want in future relationships. Plus, it was the best experience having a best friend like that for a couple years.
• I was on several volleyball teams and at that time, I loved it. I remember just thoroughly enjoying myself and being content on the court with teammates I could count on.
• I spent a year with the best therapist in the world. I mean, she was phenomenal. And that's an experience that'll benefit me forever.
• I did outpatient twice at a hospital for my depression and anxiety and, although I hated it at the time, I am thankful for it now because it was a place where I could be myself and I learned a lot about myself there.
• My mom got a job in Washington and so we moved here.
• I now go to the best school ever. And, no, I do not love school. I don't like waking up at 6 nor am I in love with the way American school systems are run; however, if I had the option of choosing any school in the world because I had to go to school, it would be this one.
• I created an anonymous Twitter account and found a place to share my poetry and feelings. It's really quite a cool concept. It's a nice escape when I need it.
• I found an awesome youth group that accepts me for who I am... even on my bad days.
• I've grown closer with my little sister which is quite the improvement considering we used to not be able to be in the same room without screaming at each other.
• I've made some unbelievable friends here in Washington. These are friends that always have my back. These are the friends that know to not believe me when I say I'm fine. These are the friends that, unlike previous friends, will not turn on me or try to beat me down. These are real, genuine friends.
• I traveled across Europe with my cousin/best friend. I spent my 16th birthday in the castle that inspired Cinderella's. I stood in a red telephone booth near Big Ben. I ate dinner in Paris. I visited Harry Potter studios. I was at Hogwarts. I was in the Great Hall. I traveled across Europe, you guys.
• I read some amazing books. I watched some awesome movies. I can't imagine my life without "Harry Potter" or "Divergent" or "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" or "Frozen," considering I watch one of them every day and am constantly rereading the books (besides "Frozen," of course, which is not a book).
• I visited Forks, WA, which is where "Twilight" takes place, of course, last year for spring break. I also went to La Push and saw people surfing in the ocean for the first time in real life.
• I became a manager for my school's dance team and had the privilege of working with them and doing their makeup all year. I watched them give it their all at state and I'd never been so proud.
• I received a video made by the captains of the dance team. The video was of people around school and girls from the team saying amazing things about me. To this day, I cannot believe that people took the time out of their day to do that for me. No gift will ever measure up to that video.
• I got a tattoo that says "Redemption" and I think you'll get why once you've read the entire blog post.
• I went to homecoming and tolo (girls-ask-guys) with wonderful people and actually had fun.
• I created YouTube channels and learned so much about beauty and made friends all over the world because of it.
• I've seen so many artists in concert and each experience was phenomenal because I think the idea of being in a huge room with hundreds/thousands of people that love the same thing you do is amazing.
• I've seen nature and I've seen cities and I've realized that Earth is so beautiful.

As I said before, I have no use for on-the-surface conversation. This implies that I have no use for lying; therefore, I will not lie and say I am cured and happy and carefree. Life is hard and I'm usually quite sad and suicide is a thought that  has not strayed from my mind for 4 years now. I've written countless suicide notes and all of them are still in my closet because I'm not sure if I want to get rid of them.

But looking back and reliving the good times gives me hope.

If you're suicidal, there are a few things that help me during my really bad moments.

• Go for a walk. I know it might sound stupid, but the exercise relieves anxiety. If you're into photography, then you should find things to take pictures of on your walk, even if it's just with your phone!
• Write. Write, write, write.
• Text a friend. Again, it might seem silly, but you'd be surprised how much some people can relate.
• Vent online. I do it on that anonymous Twitter account I mentioned and on Tumblr. It works for me.
• Rip paper. My therapist I mentioned used to tear up phone books with me and it got out a lot of anger. It's being destructive without causing anyone harm.

This isn't a bad life. It's just a rough patch, I hope. I think that maybe I'll get through it and if I do, I'll be able to look back and be proud of myself.

If you're like me, I'm so proud of you for sticking around. I think it is so brave of you to continue life when you want to die because I know how hard it is.

And so if you're depressed or suicidal or just sad, I am proud of you for getting up today. And if you got out of bed, good for you. If you didn't, that's okay too. Your health - physical and mental - comes before anything, including work, school and everything else. The most important thing is keeping you alive.

And if I would've killed myself at 12, I would've missed out on all of this. I would've missed out on watching my family grow up and moving to Washington and meeting the friends I now have. I would've missed out on my first love and my youth group and seeing so many parts of the world.

There are days when I do not want to get out of bed, yes; but never think that I regret my choice. Because I chose life. And I'm trying to keep choosing it. It's a daily battle. But I've made it this far and I think that's pretty cool.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Eating Disorder Awareness Week

I'm not really sure how to begin this blog entry. I feel like saying "Happy Eating Disorder Awareness Week!" is wrong because, you know, there's nothing happy about eating disorders. But I think this week is important and I don't think something needs to be happy to be important.

So I want to begin with the most important part of this blog and this is that: Eating disorders are not a choice. They are not a trend. They are not cool. They are not beautiful. In fact, I made a YouTube video regarding this. If you'd like to check it out, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhDAxjhcMZQ

Eating disorders are any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits. Nobody wakes up one day and says "Wow, I think anorexia sounds like a great idea. Maybe I should try it!" No. That's not how it works. It works like this: We want to be thin. We think we're not good enough because of our weight. We feel like outcasts.

We all do it for perfection. Some of us to it to melt the mistakes off of us. The less I weigh, the less space I take up. Invisibility... that's what a lot of us aim for.

The thing about eating disorders is they usually start out by watching what you eat. Maybe going to the gym once or twice a week. You set a goal for yourself to lose a certain amount of weight. The thing is, if you hit that goal weight, you're going to set another goal. And it's going to be lower. And you will not be happy until you reach zero. And I can promise you this: You will die before you hit zero.

Anorexia is the fear of gaining weight. People who are anorexic often see a distorted image of his or herself in the mirror. We often find ourselves thinking far too much about calories and food and how much time will have to be spent in the gym to burn off the lunch we just ate. We lie about how much we eat to make sure others don't worry. A lot of us track our calories. We do this because we want control. We want power over ourselves.

Bulimia is a cycle of binging and purging. This means people who are bulimic try not to eat for as long as possible and/or have a strict menu. But that can't last forever. And when the urge to eat finally becomes too much, they binge- meaning, they eat too much. And then they throw as much of that food up as possible. Then, the cycle begins again.


Now, let's talk about some of the consequences of eating disorders.

Anorexia

• Hair loss
• Slow heart rate and blood pressure (risk of heart failure because of this aka death)
• Severe dehydration (risk of kidney failure)
• Dry hair and skin
• Bad memory
• Fainting
• Anemia
• Fatigue
• Kidney stones
• Skin bruises easily
• Bloating
• Weak muscles

Bulimia

• Anemia
• Irregular heartbeat
• Heart failure
• Dehydration
• Bloating
• For girls: Irregular or absent period
• Dry skin
• Cavities 
• Fatigue
• Gum disease
• Sore/Irritated throat
• Dizziness

With all these consequences of eating disorders, don't you dare tell me they're beautiful.

In America alone 30 million people suffer from eating disorders and, believe it or not, 10 million of these people are guys. Yes, boys suffer from these issues too. Don't write them off as not being affected.

This week, I'm asking you to try and learn more about eating disorders. Research the symptoms so that you'll be aware if someone you know starts to act funny around you. Be aware. Support those you know who have an eating disorder and do your best to understand what they're going through.

Another thing to always keep in mind is that eating disorders are something that sticks with the person suffering for a lifetime. Yes, we may have gone through recovery; however, the disease stays with us forever. We simply get stronger.

And if you're someone who is currently really struggling with an eating disorder, I need you to know that it will get better. I know you've heard that a lot and you think it's a lie but I promise it gets better. I promise. But you've got to want to get better. Believe that you are more than your eating disorder and that good things lie ahead of this.

You are more than the number on the scale. You are beautiful and strong and important. You matter. 

Stay strong. I love you. I hope you all go out and make a difference this week.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Dealing with Heartbreak

After your heart's been broken, you feel just that: broken. You feel like life will never go on and you'll never wake up feeling happy again. You've heard there's light at the end of the tunnel but you do not see it. In fact, you guess that perhaps someone built a large brick wall right in the middle of the tunnel to keep you trapped in the black oblivion forever, never to feel the sun's brilliant warmth on your cheeks again.

Although you feel shattered like a fragile mirror tossed to the pavement, you must know that mirrors can be put back together again and so can you. Similar to a glued-back-together mirror, though, there will be cracks, signalling that you are not the same as before. Do not worry. Eventually, you will stare into that mirror so much, every single day, that you'll no longer even think about the cracks.

People will say it gets better. But this is not what you want to hear. You want to hear he's coming back for you. Please understand that that is a fantasy. And that story is over. So when people tell you that everything will get easier as life continues on, do not be frustrated. Trust that they've been through this before and that they are being honest.

Because it is true: it does get better. At first, the pain will be so intense that it will feel like a scolding hot curling iron pressing into your skin with no relief. At first, you will feel as though you're drowning at sea. But soon you will float. And later you will swim. Do not swim in circles. Swim back to shore.

When the time comes, he will find a new girl to share his life with. Do not hate him for doing this. He has to move on just as you do. Do not hate the new girl either. Trust that they deserve each other and that you deserve better than him.

As the stars begin to reveal themselves at night, you cannot let yourself think too much. Do not list off things you think you should've done differently. Do not wonder if he misses you too. Instead, think of a goal for tomorrow. Achieve something. Be proud of yourself. Because you can only cry yourself to sleep so many times before you run out of tears. Go to sleep peacefully and float into a peaceful darkness. Not a scary one.

You will be okay without him. You will continue life without him. You do not need him in order to be happy.

Now you know you shouldn't have let your happiness depend on him. Do not place your happiness in someone's palm ever again. That person can only hold their hand open for so long before clamping it shut into a fist.

Be your own hero. You can never count on anyone else to save you because you can't even count on them to stick around.

Oh, and P.S.: I know you loved him. You really, really loved him with all of your heart. I know you would've done anything for him. But keep in mind that while you lost someone who didn't love you- he lost someone who did love him... And truly, I believe him to be in the worst position.

Stay strong my beautiful, heartbroken friends,

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

What Are You So Afraid Of?

In the past, when people asked me what I was afraid of, I gave a really common answer. I would tell them that I was deathly afraid of spiders and snakes and heights. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of spiders or snakes. (I don't mind heights, to be honest.) But spiders and snakes are not my worst fears anymore.

What am I afraid of now?

I'm afraid that the guy I like might like me back -even just a tiny bit. And I'm afraid of this because my fear of rejection is holding me back from telling him that I've been crushing on him for awhile now.

I'm afraid that I don't tell my family I love them enough. I'm afraid that because of this, they don't realize how much I appreciate them.

I'm afraid of not being pretty enough. I'm afraid that because of this fear, I might go back to unhealthy eating habits.

I'm afraid that my depression might get too out of hand one day. And I'm afraid I might make a big mistake.

I am afraid that I am wasting my teenage years away. By age 16, Taylor Swift had released her first album. And the most I've done since turning 16 is fly alone on a plane.

I'm afraid that I'm missing out on opportunities, such as hanging out with people, because I'm scared that my social anxiety will cause me to have a panic attack in public.

I'm afraid that when I'm older (if I live to be "older") I will regret stressing too much as a high-schooler.

I'm afraid that I serve no purpose. I'm afraid that I'm not helping enough people. I'm afraid that I'm passing people in the hallways every day that need a friend- and I'm not there for them.

But living in fear isn't going to get me anywhere.

I think that telling the boy I like is a good idea. If he likes me, then... Well, that's good. And if he doesn't like me... Well, he's a senior and so nobody will remember him rejecting me once he graduates.

I think I'm going to start telling my family how much I love them. I'm going to do this when we're hanging up on the phone; when I'm leaving their house; when they're leaving my house; when they achieve something; and when they do small favors for me.

I think I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I am who I am and I cannot change the body I was given. Since I dislike the way I look, the most I can do is eat healthier and work out more. And I am fully capable of doing those things.

I think I'm going to have to stop wasting my life away in my room. I'm going to have to forget about the anxiety. I'm going to have to forget about the depression. I'm going to have to deal with the fact that suicide will never be the answer. And so I'm going to have to start looking for colleges to go to.

Now you know my greatest fears. And now you know that I will get through them and I will be okay.

So, my question to you is this: What are you so afraid of?

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan