Stories of the West Coast: January 2014

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Dealing with Heartbreak

After your heart's been broken, you feel just that: broken. You feel like life will never go on and you'll never wake up feeling happy again. You've heard there's light at the end of the tunnel but you do not see it. In fact, you guess that perhaps someone built a large brick wall right in the middle of the tunnel to keep you trapped in the black oblivion forever, never to feel the sun's brilliant warmth on your cheeks again.

Although you feel shattered like a fragile mirror tossed to the pavement, you must know that mirrors can be put back together again and so can you. Similar to a glued-back-together mirror, though, there will be cracks, signalling that you are not the same as before. Do not worry. Eventually, you will stare into that mirror so much, every single day, that you'll no longer even think about the cracks.

People will say it gets better. But this is not what you want to hear. You want to hear he's coming back for you. Please understand that that is a fantasy. And that story is over. So when people tell you that everything will get easier as life continues on, do not be frustrated. Trust that they've been through this before and that they are being honest.

Because it is true: it does get better. At first, the pain will be so intense that it will feel like a scolding hot curling iron pressing into your skin with no relief. At first, you will feel as though you're drowning at sea. But soon you will float. And later you will swim. Do not swim in circles. Swim back to shore.

When the time comes, he will find a new girl to share his life with. Do not hate him for doing this. He has to move on just as you do. Do not hate the new girl either. Trust that they deserve each other and that you deserve better than him.

As the stars begin to reveal themselves at night, you cannot let yourself think too much. Do not list off things you think you should've done differently. Do not wonder if he misses you too. Instead, think of a goal for tomorrow. Achieve something. Be proud of yourself. Because you can only cry yourself to sleep so many times before you run out of tears. Go to sleep peacefully and float into a peaceful darkness. Not a scary one.

You will be okay without him. You will continue life without him. You do not need him in order to be happy.

Now you know you shouldn't have let your happiness depend on him. Do not place your happiness in someone's palm ever again. That person can only hold their hand open for so long before clamping it shut into a fist.

Be your own hero. You can never count on anyone else to save you because you can't even count on them to stick around.

Oh, and P.S.: I know you loved him. You really, really loved him with all of your heart. I know you would've done anything for him. But keep in mind that while you lost someone who didn't love you- he lost someone who did love him... And truly, I believe him to be in the worst position.

Stay strong my beautiful, heartbroken friends,

-Jordan xx

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Wednesday, January 1, 2014

What Are You So Afraid Of?

In the past, when people asked me what I was afraid of, I gave a really common answer. I would tell them that I was deathly afraid of spiders and snakes and heights. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of spiders or snakes. (I don't mind heights, to be honest.) But spiders and snakes are not my worst fears anymore.

What am I afraid of now?

I'm afraid that the guy I like might like me back -even just a tiny bit. And I'm afraid of this because my fear of rejection is holding me back from telling him that I've been crushing on him for awhile now.

I'm afraid that I don't tell my family I love them enough. I'm afraid that because of this, they don't realize how much I appreciate them.

I'm afraid of not being pretty enough. I'm afraid that because of this fear, I might go back to unhealthy eating habits.

I'm afraid that my depression might get too out of hand one day. And I'm afraid I might make a big mistake.

I am afraid that I am wasting my teenage years away. By age 16, Taylor Swift had released her first album. And the most I've done since turning 16 is fly alone on a plane.

I'm afraid that I'm missing out on opportunities, such as hanging out with people, because I'm scared that my social anxiety will cause me to have a panic attack in public.

I'm afraid that when I'm older (if I live to be "older") I will regret stressing too much as a high-schooler.

I'm afraid that I serve no purpose. I'm afraid that I'm not helping enough people. I'm afraid that I'm passing people in the hallways every day that need a friend- and I'm not there for them.

But living in fear isn't going to get me anywhere.

I think that telling the boy I like is a good idea. If he likes me, then... Well, that's good. And if he doesn't like me... Well, he's a senior and so nobody will remember him rejecting me once he graduates.

I think I'm going to start telling my family how much I love them. I'm going to do this when we're hanging up on the phone; when I'm leaving their house; when they're leaving my house; when they achieve something; and when they do small favors for me.

I think I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I am who I am and I cannot change the body I was given. Since I dislike the way I look, the most I can do is eat healthier and work out more. And I am fully capable of doing those things.

I think I'm going to have to stop wasting my life away in my room. I'm going to have to forget about the anxiety. I'm going to have to forget about the depression. I'm going to have to deal with the fact that suicide will never be the answer. And so I'm going to have to start looking for colleges to go to.

Now you know my greatest fears. And now you know that I will get through them and I will be okay.

So, my question to you is this: What are you so afraid of?