Graduation

So I graduated from high school last week and it's still very surreal. I always, always, always told myself that I'd never graduate. And because I was depressed for so long, I absolutely believed that. But I did it. I graduated. And it's really cool.

Recently, I've been very happy. It's sort of an odd feeling since it's still a bit foreign, but it's such a light emotion compared to sadness. :) Happy Jordan is happy.

AND while Maddie Bogart was giving her speech at the farewell assembly, I saw myself in the future. Like lots of people see themselves with a partner or kids or working or with a house in the future, but this has never happened to me ever. So when this happened on Thursday, it was insane. I saw myself as a 30/40-year-old teacher working with my special education students (what I plan on majoring in). I still can't believe this happened. It was so cool.

I just wanted to quickly give a shout out to some people who got me to graduation. Without you guys, I don't think I would've made it here.

Family
Every person in my family has helped me out in one way or another so it would be silly to list all of you, but obvious shout-outs should go to my mom; my sister, Jenna; and my Aunt Tracy and Uncle Mike. Thank you for keeping me alive.

Teachers
Ms. Noonan helped me more than she probably realizes. She was like my second mom who I could go to for anything. I really believe that I wouldn't be here without her placing me in the dance team my junior year.

The other teacher who helped me a lot was Ms. Johnson. Her class was like my safe haven. It was very open and I loved it because I was able to look forward to writing every day. Her Creative Writing class was the best class (besides Dance) that I've taken in my 13 years of public schooling.

Young Life Leaders
Lauren and Brandon Patchin gave me a place to grow in my faith with God. They taught me more about my faith and opened a ridiculous amount of doors for me. I know I wouldn't be going to a Christian college if it weren't for them. Thank you both for making me a better person.

Internet Friends ♥
Kenz - Thank you for being like another little sister to me and a wonderful best friend. You're a blessing and thank you for always being someone I can talk to.

Bailey - Thank you for teaching me that it's not cocky or wrong to love myself. Because of you, I like who I am and I think that's the #1 reason why I'm happy now.

Leilee - Thank you for being one of my best friends. Your beauty (internal and external) radiates and makes me want to be more like you AKA a better person.

Logan - Thank you for always making me laugh. You're someone that I look forward to talking to and being around and there really aren't that many people in my life that I feel that way about.

Annika - Like Logan, thank you for being someone who never fails to make me smile. I'm lucky to be able to call you my friend and that I've gotten the chance to (finally) meet you in real life. The biggest thing I've learned from you is that it's okay to express my opinions LOL THANK YOU FOR THAT.

Alli - Thank you for being one of those people who is chill and open-minded and wonderful. (Not to mention insanely talented.) You and I are a lot alike personality-wise and I love that. You make me so happy and I can't wait to see you in LESS THAN 2 WEEKS!!

Friends ♥
Disclaimer: Even though I'm not super close with all of the people below, they all impacted me in one way or another that resulted in me wanting to continue high school. So here we go!

The dance team has been the biggest support system I've ever had. I still struggle understanding how I was lucky enough to be blessed with all of you.

Special shout-outs go to the Disney Divas (Maddie, Katie C., Emily N., Annastacia and Ashley) and Katie E. and Audrey W.

Cherie and Matt - I don't think I would've made it through my junior year without you guys. Thank you both for sticking by me in my difficult times and reminding me that life would get better.

 Christobal - You are someone who just makes my life better. You make me happy. You're someone I feel at ease with- like I can be completely myself and don't have to try to be anything that I'm not. And I feel so lucky that I was able to spend my senior prom with you.

Erich and Josh and Eric - The three of you really made my junior year a lot better. 2 of you helped me (sort of) get through my first (and only) haunted house and 1 of you was not only my backstage-of-the-musical friend, but also a huge inspiration. You guys are all wonderful and I know that the future has great things in store for you. Thank you for making my junior year great and for brightening up a lot of my days last year!

Delaney - You've become like a sister to me. We're weirdly similar and I adore that. Thank you for always being here for me and for going on spontaneous roadtrips and for pushing me to be better.

Drake - Without knowing it, you impacted me a lot during my junior year at Kamiak. There was one day in particular when you gave me a pep talk that affected me so much that I remember writing about it in my journal. I don't even think you were aware, but there were certain days when your positivity lifted my spirits immensely. Thank you for that.

Claire - You've made me someone who cares about the world. Without you, I'd still probably be ignorant of so much. Now I'm not only a feminist and advocate for equality, but I'm a better Christian. And I have you to thank. I love you because I don't have to hide anything from you. And I also love that we twin by accident more often than not.

Cameron - Not even sure where to begin. You are by far the weirdest and most free-spirited and best person I know. Being around you makes me happy; you give the best advice; and I'm so excited to see what you accomplish in life. Whatever happens, I'm proud to call you my friend.

Paige - You were like my mentor during junior year. I have no idea what I would've done without you or our rides home or our random McDonald's dates. I cannot wait to go to college with you. More adventures await.

Taylor - My oldest friend. When we were growing up, I thoroughly had everyone convinced that we were cousins. From Cedar Point to camping to fairs... All my memories with you are incredible. I'm so excited for the future. Maybe you'll have kids and I can show them your baby photos and embarrass you (I hope so). Wherever the future takes us, I know that we'll still be friends, because, really, what would I do without you? 

Rebekah - I can't believe we did it. I am so proud of you. I know that we both go through a lot, but look! We made it!!! Together. Stay strong. Stay beautiful. Stay you. Always.

Austin - You are living proof that humans have the capability to grow and change. You've become such an amazing person/role model. Although I only get to see you once or twice a year now, you still manage to make my life easier to live. Thank you for everything.

Natasha - It's kind of insane to think that such an incredible friendship began because I needed someone to hold a microphone for me. You are one of my best friends and I truly don't know what I'd do without you. I hate the distance between us but somehow we manage to conquer it. Thank you for listening to me cry; for taking me on roadtrips; for loving me unconditionally; for picking me up at the airport at 1:30 am... For being you.

Jake - You were the first friend who ever really stuck around during my rough times. You proved that someone would not only care about me and fight for me, but would make it through and be there for me in my good times too. I love you endlessly. When we first met, we just clicked so fast that it was undeniable that a wonderful friendship was in the future. I can't even put words together to tell you how thankful I am for you.

The 8 Of Us Group - Thank you for always giving me reasons to keep going. You guys are a huge reason that I made it through my senior year. I can't imagine going through my last year of high school with anyone else. I don't know where the 8 of us will end up in the future, but I hope we still have adventures in our paths.

Diefa - My best friend. My other half. I love you I love you I love you. I go to you in my best times, my worst times, and my in-between times. When I see something funny on Tumblr, I screenshot it and send it to you without hesitation. When you call, I click the "answer" button without even thinking about it (unlike me with the rest of the human population). You make life worth living. You've shown me that it's possible to trust people after not trusting anyone for years. I can't wait to watch you get married and to spoil your kids and to be those elderly best friends who have some crazy Transformation Tuesdays. We're gonna take on the future and it's gonna be rad because we'll have each other.

Patty Walters - Patty is his own category. I met Patty at Vid Con and he ended up having this phenomenal band called "As It Is". This band sort of introduced me to alternative music which, now, is a massive part of my life. So when I met Patty again at one of his shows in Seattle, I asked him to write a tattoo for me- one of his lyrics. So, forever written on my back, is "I just want to believe in something" in his handwriting. Because of Patty, I've become a fan of lots of new bands, made a ridiculous amount of friends, gone to a ton of concerts, and I feel comfortable wearing black and band shirts- without fear of being judged.

I MADE IT, KIDS! And I'm here to tell you that you can too. Because while these people did help me, in the end, it was me who chose to stay alive. Me who chose to keep fighting. Me who decided that it might all be worth it.

And I'm here to tell you that it gets better. And that you can do this. 

Life is good.

And because I love quotes so much, I'm going to leave you with one: "We are graduating members from the class of 'we made it.'" -Shane Koyczan

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

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The 8 Of Us

I was thinking the other day... I have quite a lot of friends here in Washington. How did I meet them all? How did we become friends? How did I get so lucky?

So here is a blog post that I will section into 2 parts, explaining and remembering 7 specifically wonderful friendships I have. It's a cool little family we've got.

Part I: How the Group... Well, Grouped.

So my sophomore year, right when I moved here, I was placed in an English class with a teacher named Ms. Noonan. Ms. Noonan was not only a teacher, but the coach of the Kamiak Dulcineas Dance Team. Super competitive. Tons of girls. Terrifying. But when Ms. Noonan came up to me that spring and asked if I wanted to be apart of the team, how could I say no? She said it would be time-consuming, but where else did I need to spend my time? Nowhere. I was new. I didn't know anyone.

So I became an assistant for the team. We were like a family. But even though everyone was kind and welcoming, meeting almost 30 girls who at least know a couple other people on the team was super intimidating. This one girl reached out to me. Her name was Annastacia.

 

We had science together which, of course, gave us more time to bond than if we'd only had dance together. 

She invited me over for a sleepover. It was the first one I'd been to in forever. I still don't really sleep over at a lot of  peoples' houses... just those I feel really comfortable with. And we watched Thor and World War Z and ate pizza and wore glow sticks. It was great.

The more I hung around Anna, the more I started to get to know her other friends. By Halloween, I was lucky enough to know Anjelica pretty well.

By the time spring came around, I normally went straight to Annastacia when I wanted someone to go somewhere with me. This is when she came with me to a movie premiere that people from our school starred in!

One of the coolest things that I got to do my junior year with Annastacia was go to Victoria. Our dance team went for the weekend and it was definitely very cool travelling with her.

So the last day of junior year finally came. Annastacia and I agreed that we totally wanted to burn our (specifically chemistry) homework. We invited Anjelica and then Anna told me she was also going to invite people I'd met briefly before.

We hung out and it was cool. They made me feel welcome even though the guys didn't know anything about me. They didn't make me feel anxious or like I was an outcast. It was a really incredible feeling that -to this day- makes me smile when I think about it.

And so that was it. That was our great and wonderful beginning. Just the 6 of us. The Six Seniors. We decided that night that we would be a group and we would take on our last year of high school together. Honestly, I wasn't sure at the time if that promise of long-lasting friendship would last or not. I'm glad it did.

And so our adventures began. We did what we could to meet up with the whole group (which was really damn hard with six people). Even just spending the day outside on trails in the community was better with them.

Now of course there were times when some people in the group were busy. But those of us that were not would stick together. Here, 3 of us went to a family friend's house for the 4th of July. We took what the night gave us and ran with it.

Including singing/playing guitar badly in front of people we knew we would never see again. They made me brave and silly. And I am thankful for that.

Sometimes we would do random things like decide to go to a playground. It was summer and there weren't exactly a whole lot of worries. What better thing to do than act like kids?

In July, we had a family dinner (courtesy of Manny's real family) for Annastacia's 17th birthday. We grabbed whatever and ate on the ground and crouched around a table. It was unorthodox and crazy and perfect. And I felt like I was home.

Summer passed. I was in Michigan. Anna was in Japan. And by the time we were all back, it was time for our senior year to begin.

And a month or two after school started back up again, we had  a new member in the group. Sabrina rocks. Like a lot.

Alone, I could never take on a football game. I would get way too anxious and not have any fun. But with these guys, I genuinely enjoyed myself. They made me feel like a normal teenager.

For Halloween, most of us dressed up (shout out to Ben for not being in the photo). The four of us girls decided to be characters from Alice in Wonderland. The boys were lame and did their own things.

The dance team does this thing each year where we pretty much run a restaurant from inside our school. My junior year, it stressed me out so bad that I fainted. Yep. Just passed out in the school. But this year was different. I had a team of girls I knew I could count on and go to if I was really feeling bad or anxious. But I didn't feel any of those things. I had fun. Like I was supposed to.

One of my favorite things about having 4 girls in the group is that twin day becomes quadruplet day. Coolest thing ever.

We even celebrated Christmas together.

The day of our Secret Santa/Christmas party, another member was added: Keoni! The numbers of genders were even again. (And look how nicely it worked out for this stair picture. Perfection.) Keoni ended up being just another one of us and I'm very thankful that he's in the group.

One of my favorite things about this night was trying to fit everyone (plus Anjelica's boyfriend - hi, Tanner!) into a selfie. You actually have to stretch your hand so far. Harder than it looks.

This was the night that it really hit me how lucky I was. Having this tight of a group isn't normal. Having 7 people you can count on no matter what? I was so grateful. So much had changed since I first arrived in Washington. I still can't believe that I went from knowing nobody to having all of these phenomenal people in my life.

Just after Christmas, Annastacia and I headed to Florida! Together we took on Disney World and the time we spent there... Probably one of the happiest times of my life. (Also, shout out to Anna for sharing a bed with me in Florida and dealing with me being an insomniac!)

And not only did we get to go to Disney World. We got to go to Universal Studios too! 

Which of course meant that she had to see me freak out and cry over Harry Potter. Sorry, Anna.

Once back home, it wasn't long before Michael had a performance (in which he totally rocked out to some JoBros). It was the coolest feeling going to the concert and really supporting someone. The pride you feel when someone you love does something great is really incredible.

It was definitely awesome to have the guys come support us girls at Districts. The dance team hosts it at Kamiak each year and while watching my team perform was wonderful, having most of the group together again was probably the highlight of that day.

The dance team went to state and WOW was I proud of them. Annastacia, Sabrina and Anjelica danced their hearts out and I just sat there for a while thinking about how blessed I was to be surrounded by such talent.

And now here we are! May has come. Prom is soon. I'm really excited because the 8 of us are in the same group. So while the stress of school dances can be scary, I know I'll be able to handle it because I'll be with them.

Soon we'll be graduating and heading in different directions. And as sad as I am that we only got one year together, I know how lucky I am. Seriously. I wouldn't trade these friendships for anything. This group rocks. And I love them with everything in me.

Part II: Meeting For the First Time

Okay, time for the 2nd part. Brief recap of how I met everyone. My memories here aren't super together so I thought I'd try to write down what I do remember before I forget it all.

ANNA

So I've pretty much talked about how Anna and I met so let's talk about some other stuff. Like how she went with me to the Seattle Gay Pride Parade. Or how we always tend to see movies together. Or how we have almost all of our classes together. Or how we both love to do weird stuff to our hair. Or how she's fantastic and I know I can talk to her about anything. To sum up Anna: she's perfect. She dances perfectly; her hair is perfect; her attitude is perfect; her clothes are perfect... I could continue to list things that are perfect about her but... well, it's actually just everything.

BEN

The cool thing about Ben is that when you first meet him, he comes off as quiet. It's so weird because Ben's actually one of the funniest people ever. The first time we ever really talked was at the bonfire and we just clicked. I didn't feel awkward with him or like he was judging me. I just remember coming to the bonfire that night, thinking Ben was going to hate me, and then when we ended up getting along, it was really, really cool.

ANJELICA

THIS IS OUR FIRST SELFIE TOGETHER. Anjelica and I had talked a little bit in dance but not much. When the time came for Kamiak's first home football game of the season, the team had to show up because we performed at half-time. Because I was so excited about it being my first game, I made a point to take a picture with each girl on the team. Anjelica was standing by herself and I was totally intimidated but I told myself: "You need to get a picture with everyone." So in the moment of my need for photographs, I went up to her and asked if we could get a photo. We talked and she was sweet and funny... and after that, I just felt very comfortable around her.

MANNY

Manny and I didn't talk till the bonfire, but we had had one class together before that we'd never talked in. It was Visual Communications  and I just stuck with my partner for the whole class because I knew her from the dance team and I was the only one she knew too. Once Manny and I started talking at the bonfire, though, we mentioned how we'd been in the same class. From there our friendship just took off. Manny's probably the easiest person ever to talk to. And it makes me wish we'd started talking in the class we'd had together. :( But I think everything happens for a reason, and I'm just glad we're such good friends now.

SABRINA

So I have no idea when we first started talking. Obviously, Sabrina and I met through dance team. But when we first really became friends? Who knows. What really brought us closer together this year was having the same lunch! Spending my lunch with Sabrina and Annastacia each day is something I thoroughly look forward to. Sabrina's one of those people who never fails to make you laugh. In reality, I don't think she has any negative qualities. My favorite thing about Sabrina is that her kindness radiates off of her. She's someone that you want to be friends with because it's very clear that she's trustworthy and just completely lovely.

KEONI

I met Keoni the day of our Christmas party. I was a little scared to meet him because he was practically already apart of the group and I was worried that when he met me in real life he might not like me. He ended up being one of the least judgmental people I've ever met. Keoni's friendly, easy to talk to, and an absolutely amazing photographer. Like seriously. Book him for shoots. Get on that. It's funny how at first I was nervous that he wouldn't like me and  now he's just another member of the family. He quite clearly belongs with us. And now "us" wouldn't feel like us without him.

MICHAEL 

There was this one day in my junior year when I just really didn't want to go sit with the people I normally ate lunch with. So Annastacia, being the saint that she is, invited me over to her table. And (lol) to be honest, I was kinda scared because she kept saying her friends were weird and that they'd probably be talking about video games or other things that she had no idea about. So by the time I got to the table, I was expecting evil glares because these people sounded so different from  me. When we arrived there, Annastacia introduced me and told me their names. Before I could even get a word out, Michael got up, gave me his seat, and then got himself another one. Not sure I've ever been that surprised in my life (except for this one time that I got dragged into going to a haunted house). People back home were never that nice. And he didn't even know me. He was just a good guy. Weird. And funny how a simple gesture has stuck with me this long. And how an awesome friendship has come out of it.

OKAY THAT'S EVERYTHING SORRY FOR SUCH A LONG POST. 

I was just feeling really grateful. And blessed. Because I know I'm blessed. And I don't ever want to take advantage of that. I'm lucky. 

6 became 7 and 7 became 8. And together, we're a weird little family. Weird, but good. Definitely good.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

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