I don't know how to grieve.

Death has recently played a big role in my life- and more than once; so I have been left with a big question mark in my head. I just have no idea how to grieve. I've lost family members before. I've lost acquaintances to suicide. But the losses I'm going through now are unlike the previous ones. These are a new force altogether.

How do I grieve?

Do I get an allotted time to be sad? Angry? When is it appropriate for me to stop crying? When will I be able to stop crying? Is it okay to sit by the lake in silence, alone, until someone calls me inside for dinner? Is it okay to lock myself in a room because I don't want to talk about it anymore?

Because, most times, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I don't know what's more frustrating: the people who casually bring up the death(s) like it's no big deal for me to talk about them, or the people who just randomly start talking about the death(s) and shortly after add an optimistic spin to the whole thing.

I'm sick of both. Both make me dig crescent-shaped impressions into the palms of my hands. Both make me dig into my purse for a Xanax. Both break my heart while I try to keep a straight face.

How do I grieve?

I talk to them sometimes. Sometimes, I try not to think at all. Sometimes, I try to focus on completely different things to ease that weight. Sometimes- this time- I write. I don't know if any of it helps. I don't know if any of it makes it worse. I don't know if any of it does anything.

How do I grieve?

I have nightmares. They come and they go, but then they tend to find their way back to me. I have moments when I'm in a conversation about something else and I remember. Remembering is the worst part. Because I get lucky, occasionally, to have my mind drift to other topics, but it always comes back to them. And each time I remember, each time I see those texts, each time I see those posts online, each time I see their faces smiling from memories in my mind, it hurts.

I don't know how to grieve. Maybe I'm grieving the right way. Or maybe it's all wrong.

Either way, the way in which my life goes forward from here won't change the fact that their lives are at a forever-long halt. And I think that's the tragedy of it all: I get to live and they don't. And that doesn't seem fair to me. None of this is fair.

I don't know how to grieve.

I don't know how to grieve.

I don't know how to grieve.

-Jordan xx

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