Life + Mental Health Update

So I've officially been living in California for 2 months! A lot's happened and I thought it was time for a little update.

As far as work goes- Target has offered me 40 hours throughout the holiday season, and my last day at Ross is this Wednesday! It'll be so nice not having 14-hour work days, and to have 2 days off a week; however, I'm actually really going to miss a lot of the people I worked with at Ross (and how there was so much to do that the days flew by).

Other than work, only a few exciting things have happened recently.  My roommate, Brooke, and I ventured down to San Francisco last month to see Harry Styles in concert!  It was his first-ever concert as a solo artist, and it'll definitely go down as one of my favorite nights ever.

The drive down, however, did leave us encountering a mountain that was on fire to the right of us... but seeing the city of San Francisco is always a pleasure.

And then today Brooke and I went with two of our other roommates, Natalie and Rhynell, to a pumpkin patch!  Not only did I enter my first-ever corn maze, but there were also sunflowers and the cheapest pumpkins of all time.

That's about it- as far as adventures go.  I've been to the movies a few times, but that's kinda it. (Sidenote: Go see Kingsman: The Golden Circle and thank me later.)

----------------------------------

Moving on to mental health (slight trigger warning)... Things have been a little shaky.  Most days are good, but there are lots of little moments where my old thoughts come bursting in.  The most common of which seems to be "what's the point?"

My family is either in Michigan or Washington.  And my two best friends are in Washington and Illinois.  And I'm still so far away from the 1-year mark of living here to receive in-state tuition to go back to college.

When I lived in Washington, I didn't have to pay rent, so my "point" was to attend conventions that made me so unbelievably happy.  But with rent now due once a month, that's not possible.  A convention was recently announced for January whose guests include the actors who portray Captain America, Spider-Man, the Winter Soldier, the Falcon, Peggy Carter, and Liz and Ned from Spider-Man: Homecoming, and, being a massive Marvel fan, this is the convention of my dreams. And as my friends are purchasing their tickets, I'm just sort of watching in the wings because I simply am unable to do so.  Funny how saving $1,000 wasn't a big deal when rent wasn't a thing.  Amazing, right?

The most frustrating thing about mental illnesses is how there are these time periods where they seem to vanish, and things are really great and life is good and you feel like pushing through all of it was worth it- just to have the depression, anxiety and so on make a reappearance.  It's infuriating and annoying and tiring.  I'm really, really tired.  And I know that money doesn't equal happiness, but being limited due to your financial state truly is anything but happy.

But like I said, most days are good.  I get so swept up in work and customers that I don't have time to focus on this.  It's just the moments when life slows down and I start wondering what the point of everything is that I feel the sadness start to set in a bit.  I get nervous thinking of January coming around and seeing my friends at this convention without me and how the sadness will affect me then.  It's this daily struggle- and I know it's all so silly.  But without these silly conventions to look forward to, my life is simply work-home-sleep-repeat, and unlike seemingly every other human who recognizes the normality of that, I can't get over how pointless it all feels to me.

I wish I could go inside my head and rewire all my thoughts into being okay with simplicity.  I wish I could look forward to a life that includes a job I don't love, and a family I can't afford, and the emptiness of retirement, but I can't bring myself to do that.  I've never been able to.  And I'm not sure how to go forward into a better, more productive thought process.  I'd like to try, but I don't know the steps to get there.

Anyway- I'd like to end on a somewhat positive note, so some good news is that I'm going home for 5 days next week.  I get to see my family and my puppies!  Maybe I'm in need of a break from this routine.

Fingers crossed that things start to look up again, and that I find my "point."

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

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Instagram: @jordanxwinans

I Moved To Northern California

On August 11th, I moved into a house in Arcata, California.  It's a 6-bedroom house, meaning that I will be living with 5 other people for the next year.  The 4 girls have already moved in and the 2 boys will be coming this week!  I met a girl named Brooke at a Wizard World convention in Sacramento in June of 2016- and this year we decided to move in together!  So Brooke and I found 4 other people and got the ball rolling!

There are 3 bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen, and a living room space on both floors.  (Brooke is downstairs and I am upstairs.)  Plus, the attic is the space of the house- AKA it's huge which is perfect for storage.

I'll update more on life later, but for now, here are some pictures of the house for the people who have been asking about it!

This is the front of the house, which is technically the second floor:

And here is the back of the house, which is the bottom floor... The other buildings in the background are parts of the property that we do not own; there is a studio apartment, a bed & breakfast, and another 2-bedroom apartment.

Here is the downstairs kitchen (which has a side door that leads to another little yard), the winding staircase that leads upstairs, and the downstairs living area.

Here is the upstairs kitchen, living space, and the cute area by the front door!  Plus, that door in the kitchen is the one that leads into my bedroom.

My bedroom connects to the upstairs bathroom and the backyard can be viewed from the window by my bed!

Once my room is all put together, I'll upload those photos as well, but without a dresser for all my clothes, it's a bit chaotic at the moment.  A special thank you to my mom, my sister, and my best friend (Kelsi) for helping me with this massive move from Washington to California.  I'm excited to see where this adventure leads, and I'm so in love with my new home!!!

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

7 Poems for 7 People

it began four years ago when i was

moments away from performing a soNg belonging to a tv show

in a room full of hundreds and hundreds of stares,

and when there wAs no stand for the microphone,

you held it for me.

that exact moment spun us intTo a whirlwind of adventures:

slaying dragons and ruling kingdoms and

screaAming along to taylor swift songs in the car after an airport hug and a sleepless night.

we spent $10 on coffee and a terminal disease; we took a car-ride

and conquered 3 States;

we danced beside a willow tree, minds fuzzy, and planned a future in the soutHwest.

because, even then- so early in the best-friend-fAirytale-

we knew our paths would be forever intertwined.

so let it be known: no matter how many times we create songs

when dialing each other’s numbers on our phones to sob about evil boys and jealous girls

and family that breaks our hearts,

my love for you is endless.

---

you were a friend of a best friend with a smile that radiated.

it radiated kindness and love, friendliness and Beauty; the ability to be

vulnerable and strong.

and it made me wonder if those two things were secretly one and the same.

we mEt again, this time 365 days older, and the pure genuine sparkle that glowed off of you

was brighter somehow. and when that time passed once more,

i witnessed a new person altogether.

i watched you grow as though in shots of a fiLm strip:

one, you are quiet.

two, you are evolving.

three, you are a confident woman who deserves better than

what the worLd has presented to her.

And so we played a card game and we walked half a mile in ohio’s downpour

and we talked and laughed and cried and smiled

and you grew.

and you inspired me.

and so i grew, too.

---

strangers to acquaintances to a relationship deserving a more solidified title than

“my best friend.”

though we were a duo of Souls raised in the same, insignificant midwestern town,

our stories didn’t tangle till

a tiny flicker of light from a program’s candle

caught the attention of two sets of eyes- the ocean and the trees-

and we grasped onto it so tightly that the Horrors of our pasts seared away

with each drip that the burning wax brought to our skin.

it wAs with this opportunity of hope that we grew together,

like a pair of golden roses,

in the lower deck of a baseball stadium; at a quick-moving, eNergy-destroying amusement park;

in the drive-thru of a pizza place in sandusky; at the end of the dock

on that crystal-clear lake with smoke in the wiNd and laughter in our lungs.

breadstick after breadstick was eaten as we mulled over the ones who had broken our hearts

and the times we’d wanted click “end game” On the controls of our own lives,

and it was iN that restaurant,

in our insignificant midwestern town,

that you said i saved you- and i made room for you in my heart.

--- 

you’d been before but

hadn’t understood.

so it took three years of convincing and obvious manipulation

to bring you home to a family you didn’t know you needed.

didn’t know existed.

you stood in front of everyone and declared your presence,

“i am here,”

with your voice singing out and fingers picking at a guitar.

there were Jokes to be said and stories to be told and you took to the people you mEt.

and the whole thing broke your heart

and the whole thing mended your heart.

and i got to watch it unfold.

we sat iN a circle with the others,

peanut butter and jelly squishing out of the bread

and onto our fingers, during the time when no one could decipher

if it was night

or if it was morning.

and your shoulders relaxed as you settled in to the seNse of belonging.

a knowing feeling that you didn’t have to see any farther because

these were the people you looked so long for.

and so you and i wore our short, lace, white dresses

and mine had spArkles

and yours was plain

and we were so different but so much the same.

then we cried and hugged and wiped our mascara away,

because we were related before.

but now we were a new family altogether, you and i.

the acceptance the love the respect the story the friendships

are what you gained-

because you left your old self behind.

---

our first hello was in a crowded room-

you center stage and me lost in the crowd,

and my sleepless, hallucinating, delusional mind decided to call out to you.

how lucky i am for that.

we met. and a year later, we met again- though a divergent factor

played itself out this time. Because, this time,

there was a quiet harpist hiding in the shadows of our past selves that played us a tune

of fRiendship and possibilities.

the next time we were face-to-face, we were older and (probably) not wiser, And i found that,

beneath blankets wrapped around our shoulders and white dresses and red suits,

and fingers laceD together,

our stories were so much the same.

but we watched the sky turn from black to orange to pink to blue,

and i reaLized that you were kind and soft and honest and i was everything you were not.

harsh; unbelieving; jagged; closed-off;

yet so accepting of you. and so you lovEd me anyway.

you knew more about music and friendship and life than i did (do),

and still you reached for me when unforeseen surges of anxietY presesed

the sharp tips of my fingernails into my palms.

so i chose friendship over pain- and it occurred to me then that they were two ulterior forces.

not the same wrecking ball, but a feather and a brick:

they did not weight the same.

and so-

never change. and if you did, i would be there for you all the same.

and because i am me, and nothing like you,

i can never get “thank you” right.

so this is my thank you- if for nothing more, then for just being

you.

---

it’s funny to think about it now- the

way that we met.

i was her friend and you were her brother, and there was nothing more to our story.

and this is funny because

you have proven yourself to be far More than “someone’s brother.”

yes, you are a quiet bravery- like a song that grows louder as it goes along.

you are a hushed competitor: a card game intensified,

but only because of the plAyers,

and not at all due to the rules.

you have advanced prospered improved succeeded risen.

you have grown into a leader, a humble force to be reckoned with.

and most imporTantly, above all else, you are

a good friend.

i promise with flesh and bone and all i have thaT i will do my best

to comfort and love your wonderful sister

as long as you keep doing the same for mine.

and when you bring the world to its knees one day, i won’t be surprised.

i saw it coming,

---

our new worlds were created only days apart from

one another’s. and Months later, when they collided, a blessing

with your nAme, and freCKles like scattered paint,

and a laugh that could bring spring in december

strode into my life with the sound of sneakers on the tile of a church basement’s floor.

yEars have long since passed

and now you are a reminder of home.

you are a sense of familiarity.

you are an indepeNdent soul with story to be told and the

strength to do so.

and when it getS to be too much (because life is known to be too much),

i will still be the one to sit with you at midnight

in a forEign state with eyes everywhere

and hold your hand.

because we are meaningful conversations in the back of coach buses

and the older sisters with a natural

instinct to protect.

so life may carrY our paths in varying directions, but that will never affect us much

and this is why:

no matter where we go

or who we become

or what disasters masterpieces we create,

our stories of origin will

forever

remain the same.

When Heaven Spoke

1. We were discussing their lives and deaths outside, under the summer's night sky, when the first sign appeared.  I was actually in the middle of asking, "I wonder if they are closer than the stars are?" when a shooting star flashed through the dark.  It was to our left- and it wasn't the brightest thing ever- but since we both saw it, we knew it was real.

I was so excited that I jumped out of my seat, blanket still slung around my shoulders. I kept saying, "that was your sign" over and over.  He smiled, but wasn't totally sold on the validity of the shooting star.  So I sat back down and our conversation continued.

2. It was the second shooting star that had me really believing that something greater than us was listening.  It was right in front of us, too; a small, bold strip lighting up the sky for a quick moment. I told him, "That was her saying, 'I told you it was me.'"  He admitted that it was definitely weird and I smiled for a long time.  I was fully convinced now.  In all my years of living in this state, I'd seen a shooting star once.  So twice in one night?  That was magical all on its own.  But he just said, "If I see a third one, then I'll believe it."

3. The third shooting star was illuminated for a longer period of time than the first two- and it glowed far more intensely.  And while the other two traces of magic(?) heaven(?) other-worldliness(?) were visible enough, this was completely different.  This one was directly in line with our horizon, starting on the left and scanning the entirety of it, ending on the right.  We shot out of our seats and started gathering our things.  "That's weird" and "That's enough" were said again and again.  We stepped inside to process what just occurred.  Because this was reality- not some dream or fictional story.  Just like these people had been, this was real.

---

I've always believed in some type of afterlife- because, otherwise, I've just never seen the point, you know?  But having people I knew/cared about pass amplifies that tenfold.  Because they changed me in some way and they were kind and funny and genuine and, most of all, deserving of more time.  And to believe that it all just ended for them- that's something I can't bear to imagine.  And so I have to believe that they are somewhere greater.  A place where there is no pain or hurt or shame.

A place where there is no death.

It is a place with sunshine and sunsets and laughter and music and friends and joy and peace and books and fuzzy blankets and art and beaches and magic and love.

A place where there are shooting stars.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

I don't know how to grieve.

Death has recently played a big role in my life- and more than once; so I have been left with a big question mark in my head. I just have no idea how to grieve. I've lost family members before. I've lost acquaintances to suicide. But the losses I'm going through now are unlike the previous ones. These are a new force altogether.

How do I grieve?

Do I get an allotted time to be sad? Angry? When is it appropriate for me to stop crying? When will I be able to stop crying? Is it okay to sit by the lake in silence, alone, until someone calls me inside for dinner? Is it okay to lock myself in a room because I don't want to talk about it anymore?

Because, most times, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I don't know what's more frustrating: the people who casually bring up the death(s) like it's no big deal for me to talk about them, or the people who just randomly start talking about the death(s) and shortly after add an optimistic spin to the whole thing.

I'm sick of both. Both make me dig crescent-shaped impressions into the palms of my hands. Both make me dig into my purse for a Xanax. Both break my heart while I try to keep a straight face.

How do I grieve?

I talk to them sometimes. Sometimes, I try not to think at all. Sometimes, I try to focus on completely different things to ease that weight. Sometimes- this time- I write. I don't know if any of it helps. I don't know if any of it makes it worse. I don't know if any of it does anything.

How do I grieve?

I have nightmares. They come and they go, but then they tend to find their way back to me. I have moments when I'm in a conversation about something else and I remember. Remembering is the worst part. Because I get lucky, occasionally, to have my mind drift to other topics, but it always comes back to them. And each time I remember, each time I see those texts, each time I see those posts online, each time I see their faces smiling from memories in my mind, it hurts.

I don't know how to grieve. Maybe I'm grieving the right way. Or maybe it's all wrong.

Either way, the way in which my life goes forward from here won't change the fact that their lives are at a forever-long halt. And I think that's the tragedy of it all: I get to live and they don't. And that doesn't seem fair to me. None of this is fair.

I don't know how to grieve.

I don't know how to grieve.

I don't know how to grieve.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

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Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

My Seen-You-Soon to SPU

This past weekend, I was at the high school that I graduated from for my old dance team.  They had districts and so I went to support them.  Luckily for me, a bunch of dance team alumni were there and one said some things that really got me thinking about college.  She said that she'd attended a university her fall quarter, left, and is going to community college in the fall... And I just got to thinking... That's an option?

It's currently week 10 (AKA the last week before finals) so I knew I needed to make a decision quickly.  All weekend was spent journal-ing, praying, etc.  I was just looking for clarity with all of it.  Suddenly, I was considering how many factors would play into this and how beneficial this time off could be for more people that just me.

And so it was Monday night that I decided to withdraw from Seattle Pacific University for the spring quarter of 2016.  Don't worry-- I'll be back in the autumn to continue on with getting a degree, but for now, I have time for myself.  It's the craziest feeling.

The plan is to get a job and work as much as I can.  Time away from school will be cool, I'm sure, but I can't just sit around for all this time.  I'd totally go crazy.  I've thought about where I'd like to work, but haven't done much research on which places are hiring.  With only having had this thought on my mind since Saturday, it's been a bit overwhelming.  Once finals are over next week, I will be ready to Google workplaces until my time is filled.

I know I'll miss a lot of things.  I'll miss the flowers around campus, the view from the 6th floor of Ashton, and spending time alone in the library.  I might even miss learning a tiny bit.  Most of all, I'm going to miss the people.  I was so blessed to be given a floor filled with phenomenal young women.  Each one is spectacular in her own way and I know they're all going to be so successful in life-- whichever paths they choose.

I won't really be missing cafeteria food, stressing over midterms, eating cereal for any and all meals, or community bathrooms.  And I definitely won't be missing the trek up the massive hill in front of my dorm.  But since that won't be part of my daily routine anymore, I might actually have to start working out or something.  Gross.  (Kidding.  Kind of.)

Something I love about SPU is how driven the students are to change the world in which they live.  I know that by being away for a quarter, I'll miss great forums and weeks of awareness and the awesome community that is found here.  Hopefully when I come back, my time away will have just given me a better appreciation for all the change that we are working towards here.

Please know that I don't regret coming to SPU or spending my money here.  This is a wonderful school and I've grown so much as a person because of this place.  I seriously believe that if you're attending a university, living there can be so important.  This has become a home to me, and I'm sad to walk away from it for 10 weeks.

The best part about all of this is that it really only is just 10 weeks out of my entire life.  When I was trying to choose which way to go with this decision, that was something I found peace with.  When I am 60 or 70 years old, I seriously doubt that taking one quarter off of school will be something I think about or something that affects me.  While it feels like such a massive change now, I know it's little in the long run.

I have been blessed to have been given the opportunity to live in Seattle-- and I'm excited about coming back later this year.  We've got everything you could ever want: mountains, ocean, art, city, suburbs, sports, shopping, tourist-y things, museums, concerts, bubble tea, pho, hiking, lots and lots and lots and lots of coffee... Actually, we have got everything except for consistent sunshine.  But the rest makes up for it.

The drive to downtown is only about 30 minutes without traffic from where I'll be staying, so it's not like I'm officially leaving until September.  I'll definitely be back every Tuesday night since The Inn, my college-based ministry, is at the University of Washington; however, I assume it'll feel quite odd heading back north afterwards instead of driving to SPU.

I don't know if my time off will be extraordinary.  Maybe crazy things will happen that never would have had I not left school for spring quarter.  Maybe a miracle will happen or I'll meet the love of my life or get to travel somewhere cool or whatever else.  But maybe nothing fantastic will occur.  These 10 weeks might just be me working, reading, writing, and relaxing.  And that's cool too.  I have full faith that these upcoming months will be whatever they need to be.  My heart is at peace with this choice.

Hopefully, you support my decision.  I completely understand that this is not the road for everyone, just as I understand that the conventional 4-year college plan isn't for everyone.  Words can't express it, but I need you to trust that I know this is right.  The certainty I have about this totally sudden, abrupt, and unexpected pace of life is unreal.  This is the right path for me.

And remember, I'm coming back!  It's not a goodbye; just a see-you-soon.  So, I'll see you soon, SPU.  Thanks for all you've taught me.

Love always,

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

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Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Troye Sivan Concert

DATE: February 4th, 2016

LOCATION: Showbox Sodo

OPENING ACTS: ALLIE X

DISCOVERED THROUGH: YouTube

FAVORITE SONG: TALK ME DOWN

My sister, Jenna, wanted to go to Troye Sivan, so I got us 2 tickets for Christmas! I'd enjoyed his EP, but had no idea what I was in for. I definitely liked his debut album, but after seeing him perform these songs in concert, I fell in love.

Troye started out as a small, Australian YouTuber.  He's grown so famous that he's able to have a worldwide tour... And he deserves every ounce of success he's achieved. No kinder, more genuine celebrity exists. I'm completely sure of it. 

My favorite part of the concert was when he performed the song "Heaven".  While introducing it, he explained that when he came out as gay, there were all these questions about "Will I get into heaven, being the way I am?" This, of course, filled the song with more sense- Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven? By this point, I'd definitely teared up, but then he went on to say "I assume some of you are apart of the LGBT community..." and so many people cheered. This is when I had to hold some tears back. Being straight, I will never have to face the difficult questions and choices that non-straight people do. It's unfair to them and heart-breaking to me. Troye's concert was a beautiful reminder of the privileges I have and the strength that he has.

My advice: if you ever get the chance to see Troye, do it. He's wonderful and talented and a great performer. I have nothing but the highest respect for him. Plus- all the lighting was so fantastically done... Just a great experience. And a good way to kick off this year's concert season.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan