I Remember.

It is 8:30 at night (west coast time) and I am sitting in my mother's bed and I 
am remembering.

I am remembering when I was three and you shoved my mother to the floor.

I am remember when I was ten and you called me "the c word".

I remember being afraid and wounded and broken. I think I still am afraid and 
wounded and broken. And it sucks.

I remember the butterflies in my stomach when you-know-who asked me out in grade 
7. I remember how he became my best friend. I also remember how I forgot my 
other friends when we were together. I remember how lonely I felt when we broke 
up because he was the only person I kept around.

I remember the fear I felt as I was being admitted into Havenwyck (a mental 
hospital in Michigan) for the first time. I remember how going there the second 
time wasnt any less scary.

I remember that I am only 15 years old, but I have considered suicide for 4 
years.

I remember meeting Elizabeth Burnand when I was 4 and how she's grown into this 
amazing person who I love and idolize.

I remember my sister who I sometimes forget is still a kid and I remember that I 

should be nicer to her.

I remember a boy named Nick who Facebook-friended me after my first day at 
Kamiak High School in Mukilteo, Washington. I take a moment to appreciate how he 
introduced me to a girl named Patrycia to sit with at lunch. I remember how Patrycia introdced me to all of her friends. I remember how nice it was to not be alone at lunchtime.

I remember when a flawless, brilliant girl named Micailah Moore invited me to a 
youth group and I remember bawling my eyes out at the group because I finally 
felt like I belonged in Washington.

I remember Taylor Clark- my best friend since the day I was born. And I think 
about how she is my best friend, my sister, and my role model. I think about how 
she lost her dog, Kooper, this year and I wonder how she is so strong. I wish I 
were as strong as Taylor.

I remember that the last time I hung out with anyone besides Taylor was over 6 
months ago. This makes me feel sort of lonely.

I think this is because I have anxiety issues and being social makes me nervous.

I remember that I am no longer suicidal and that makes me nervous because that's 
all I've ever known. And I don't really know what to be if I'm not suicidal.

And I remember that I'm only 15 and it's okay that I don't know what I'm feeling 
because I'm a teenager and that's normal.

I remember that I'm not the only person to make mistakes.

I remember that I have a 70% in Algebra II and how I got All-As throughout 
middle school. This disappoints me.

Then I remember how I've hardly gone to high school because my depression, 
suicidal thoughts, PTSD, and anxiety kept me from getting out of bed.

I remember that I am proud of myself for working out my issues, even if I had to 
put my grades behind my mental health.

I remember all the girls at my lunch table, especially Ingrid who has 2 classes 
with me and will complain about how awful they are with me.

I sit at my lunch table and think about how these girls have known each other 
forever and yet they are still welcoming enough to allow me to sit with them 
during lunch.

I remember my best friends, Anna Hueter and Liz Harris. I remember how they are 
strong and beautiful. I remember when I told them I was going to kill myself 
last month. I remember how angry I was when they called the police on me. I 
remember forgiving them because I would've done the same thing in their 
position. I love them with every piece of my being. I remember that I'd be dead 
if it wasn't for them.

I remember my aunt who kept me from killing myself when my mom was away.

I remember my mom who kept me from killing myself for the past 2 years.

I remember anyone and everyone who has never given up on me. I'd like to thank 
you for that.

I sit and remember that I have come a long way. I am no longer shy. I talk about 
my feelings.

I sit and I remember that it is okay to not be okay.

I remember that I am Jordan Ashley Winans. I am only 15. I have my whole life 
ahead of me to stress and worry and cry. And I remember that tomorrow could be 
the best day of my life.

I remember where I am from and where I'd like to be going.

I remember.

And I know that I will never forget.

-Jordan xx




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