It is 8:30 at night (west coast time) and I am sitting in my mother's bed and I
am remembering.
I am remembering when I was three and you shoved my mother to the floor.
I am remember when I was ten and you called me "the c word".
I remember being afraid and wounded and broken. I think I still am afraid and
wounded and broken. And it sucks.
I remember the butterflies in my stomach when you-know-who asked me out in grade
7. I remember how he became my best friend. I also remember how I forgot my
other friends when we were together. I remember how lonely I felt when we broke
up because he was the only person I kept around.
I remember the fear I felt as I was being admitted into Havenwyck (a mental
hospital in Michigan) for the first time. I remember how going there the second
time wasnt any less scary.
I remember that I am only 15 years old, but I have considered suicide for 4
years.
I remember meeting Elizabeth Burnand when I was 4 and how she's grown into this
amazing person who I love and idolize.
I remember my sister who I sometimes forget is still a kid and I remember that I
should be nicer to her.
I remember a boy named Nick who Facebook-friended me after my first day at
Kamiak High School in Mukilteo, Washington. I take a moment to appreciate how he
introduced me to a girl named Patrycia to sit with at lunch. I remember how Patrycia introdced me to all of her friends. I remember how nice it was to not be alone at lunchtime.
I remember when a flawless, brilliant girl named Micailah Moore invited me to a
youth group and I remember bawling my eyes out at the group because I finally
felt like I belonged in Washington.
I remember Taylor Clark- my best friend since the day I was born. And I think
about how she is my best friend, my sister, and my role model. I think about how
she lost her dog, Kooper, this year and I wonder how she is so strong. I wish I
were as strong as Taylor.
I remember that the last time I hung out with anyone besides Taylor was over 6
months ago. This makes me feel sort of lonely.
I think this is because I have anxiety issues and being social makes me nervous.
I remember that I am no longer suicidal and that makes me nervous because that's
all I've ever known. And I don't really know what to be if I'm not suicidal.
And I remember that I'm only 15 and it's okay that I don't know what I'm feeling
because I'm a teenager and that's normal.
I remember that I'm not the only person to make mistakes.
I remember that I have a 70% in Algebra II and how I got All-As throughout
middle school. This disappoints me.
Then I remember how I've hardly gone to high school because my depression,
suicidal thoughts, PTSD, and anxiety kept me from getting out of bed.
I remember that I am proud of myself for working out my issues, even if I had to
put my grades behind my mental health.
I remember all the girls at my lunch table, especially Ingrid who has 2 classes
with me and will complain about how awful they are with me.
I sit at my lunch table and think about how these girls have known each other
forever and yet they are still welcoming enough to allow me to sit with them
during lunch.
I remember my best friends, Anna Hueter and Liz Harris. I remember how they are
strong and beautiful. I remember when I told them I was going to kill myself
last month. I remember how angry I was when they called the police on me. I
remember forgiving them because I would've done the same thing in their
position. I love them with every piece of my being. I remember that I'd be dead
if it wasn't for them.
I remember my aunt who kept me from killing myself when my mom was away.
I remember my mom who kept me from killing myself for the past 2 years.
I remember anyone and everyone who has never given up on me. I'd like to thank
you for that.
I sit and remember that I have come a long way. I am no longer shy. I talk about
my feelings.
I sit and I remember that it is okay to not be okay.
I remember that I am Jordan Ashley Winans. I am only 15. I have my whole life
ahead of me to stress and worry and cry. And I remember that tomorrow could be
the best day of my life.
I remember where I am from and where I'd like to be going.
I remember.
And I know that I will never forget.
-Jordan xx
Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans
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