I Love Life

I love my life.

I love blurry photos and candids and nature and sunsets and the beach and the ocean. I love that feeling you get when you're twirling around so fast that your dress gets poofy. I love falling for boys who won't ever want me back. I love tattoos and stories behind tattoos. I love sitting at the dinner table with family when we go around and each say our favorite part about the day. I love performing. I love singing an original song and looking out into the audience and watching them sing along because they know the words.

I love that maybe one day I'll fall in love. I love that maybe I won't. I love traveling. I love walking barefoot. I love learning the verses to raps and surprising people when I can sing the song. I love deep conversations about things that people normally avoid. I love when people are open with me and trust me. I love road trips. I love that feeling of just standing in a general admission concert and looking up and seeing someone you love just a few feet away.

I love looking around the bonfire and seeing 6 of my best friends. I love exploring places near home that feel far away. I love the feeling when you go down the first big hill of a roller coaster. I love making wishes at 11:11. I love the new opportunities that New Years fireworks bring.

I love getting off of a long airplane ride and seeing a familiar face. I love putting the needle down on my record player and hearing music. I love the excitement that I feel when someone special texts me. I love meeting friends for the first time in real life and running into their arms. I love when I listen to a song and it reminds me of someone. I love receiving pen pal letters. I love writing pen pal letters.

I love guiding people around Seattle. I love being guided around new cities. I love taking photos. I love when the winter has been freezing and then suddenly its warm enough to snow so you don't even feel cold. I love stepping onto my college campus. I love turning the fan on when it's hot out. I love old alarm clocks. I love polaroid cameras. I love being so entranced by a movie that I forget about real life.

I love holding hands. I love that moment when you hand someone a gift and it isn't their birthday or a holiday and so they're surprised. I love when one of your best friends calls you because she's scared of killing a spider and you're the first person she thought to talk to. I love when you get to finally lay down after a long, long day.

I love opening a new book. I love looking into someone's eyes and your stare holds just long enough to know that you love each other. I love dreams that inspire novels. I love journals that have writing on every page. I love complimenting shy or old or awkward people and seeing their reactions. I love unveiling my newly colored hair to the world. I love being told "you're so much nicer than I thought you'd be."

I love when someone sees something that reminds them of me and sends me a picture of the object. I love reconnecting with people I've lost touch with. I love turning the TV on and seeing that it's Harry Potter Weekend on ABC family. I love receiving good report cards. I love signing up for new classes. I love the feeling of accomplishment that occurs when your phone is on 1% but you get it into the charger before it dies. I love opening silly snapchats. I love finding old things at garage sales.

I love opening things in the mail that I've ordered online and forgotten about. I love shaking snow globes. I love the sound of a ball against a bat hitting a home run. I love getting to my vacation spot after lots of traveling to do so. I love discovering talented bands/artists that aren't well known. I love complimenting people on things that aren't physical. I love dancing in the rain. I love cuddling with one of my best friends because I know that we'll have to separate soon, considering we live on opposite sides of the country. I love that feeling of seeing my best friends that don't live near me. I love holding onto them and crying and just being blessed by their presence. 

I love fuzzy blankets. I love handmade gifts. I love long, detailed texts explaining why you like me. I love hanging posters and wall art in my room. I love the feeling when I've done my makeup well. I love wearing new clothes and feeling really confident. I love being brave enough to call someone and ask to hang out. I love being able to just lay there in silence with someone and not have it be awkward. I love long necklaces. I love songs that relate to how I'm feeling.

I love the smell of vanilla. I love pandas. I love group chats. I love strings of lights that make rooms look like an eternal Christmas. I love bonus tracks on albums. I love going underwater and just staying there for as long as possible. I love the feeling of motivation I (rarely) get when I decide to clean my room or go for a run. I love when lyrics randomly come to me in the shower. I love cleaning my glasses and seeing the world from a clearer point of view. I love putting pajamas on after wearing jeans all day. I love singing loudly in the car.

I love life for giving me the friends that I have.

I love crying happy tears. I love crying happy tears because I feel so blessed. I love that I overcame the obstacles that faced me. I love that those hard times made me a stronger, better, and happier person. I love who I am. I love what I've accomplished. I love... this. Whatever "this" is.

I love life. I love life. I love life. I love my life.

And I'm so glad I stuck around to experience it. 

And I'm so glad I stuck around to experience it with you.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Graduation

So I graduated from high school last week and it's still very surreal. I always, always, always told myself that I'd never graduate. And because I was depressed for so long, I absolutely believed that. But I did it. I graduated. And it's really cool.

Recently, I've been very happy. It's sort of an odd feeling since it's still a bit foreign, but it's such a light emotion compared to sadness. :) Happy Jordan is happy.

AND while Maddie Bogart was giving her speech at the farewell assembly, I saw myself in the future. Like lots of people see themselves with a partner or kids or working or with a house in the future, but this has never happened to me ever. So when this happened on Thursday, it was insane. I saw myself as a 30/40-year-old teacher working with my special education students (what I plan on majoring in). I still can't believe this happened. It was so cool.

I just wanted to quickly give a shout out to some people who got me to graduation. Without you guys, I don't think I would've made it here.

Family
Every person in my family has helped me out in one way or another so it would be silly to list all of you, but obvious shout-outs should go to my mom; my sister, Jenna; and my Aunt Tracy and Uncle Mike. Thank you for keeping me alive.

Teachers
Ms. Noonan helped me more than she probably realizes. She was like my second mom who I could go to for anything. I really believe that I wouldn't be here without her placing me in the dance team my junior year.

The other teacher who helped me a lot was Ms. Johnson. Her class was like my safe haven. It was very open and I loved it because I was able to look forward to writing every day. Her Creative Writing class was the best class (besides Dance) that I've taken in my 13 years of public schooling.

Young Life Leaders
Lauren and Brandon Patchin gave me a place to grow in my faith with God. They taught me more about my faith and opened a ridiculous amount of doors for me. I know I wouldn't be going to a Christian college if it weren't for them. Thank you both for making me a better person.

Internet Friends ♥
Kenz - Thank you for being like another little sister to me and a wonderful best friend. You're a blessing and thank you for always being someone I can talk to.

Bailey - Thank you for teaching me that it's not cocky or wrong to love myself. Because of you, I like who I am and I think that's the #1 reason why I'm happy now.

Leilee - Thank you for being one of my best friends. Your beauty (internal and external) radiates and makes me want to be more like you AKA a better person.

Logan - Thank you for always making me laugh. You're someone that I look forward to talking to and being around and there really aren't that many people in my life that I feel that way about.

Annika - Like Logan, thank you for being someone who never fails to make me smile. I'm lucky to be able to call you my friend and that I've gotten the chance to (finally) meet you in real life. The biggest thing I've learned from you is that it's okay to express my opinions LOL THANK YOU FOR THAT.

Alli - Thank you for being one of those people who is chill and open-minded and wonderful. (Not to mention insanely talented.) You and I are a lot alike personality-wise and I love that. You make me so happy and I can't wait to see you in LESS THAN 2 WEEKS!!

Friends ♥
Disclaimer: Even though I'm not super close with all of the people below, they all impacted me in one way or another that resulted in me wanting to continue high school. So here we go!

The dance team has been the biggest support system I've ever had. I still struggle understanding how I was lucky enough to be blessed with all of you.

Special shout-outs go to the Disney Divas (Maddie, Katie C., Emily N., Annastacia and Ashley) and Katie E. and Audrey W.

Cherie and Matt - I don't think I would've made it through my junior year without you guys. Thank you both for sticking by me in my difficult times and reminding me that life would get better.

 Christobal - You are someone who just makes my life better. You make me happy. You're someone I feel at ease with- like I can be completely myself and don't have to try to be anything that I'm not. And I feel so lucky that I was able to spend my senior prom with you.

Erich and Josh and Eric - The three of you really made my junior year a lot better. 2 of you helped me (sort of) get through my first (and only) haunted house and 1 of you was not only my backstage-of-the-musical friend, but also a huge inspiration. You guys are all wonderful and I know that the future has great things in store for you. Thank you for making my junior year great and for brightening up a lot of my days last year!

Delaney - You've become like a sister to me. We're weirdly similar and I adore that. Thank you for always being here for me and for going on spontaneous roadtrips and for pushing me to be better.

Drake - Without knowing it, you impacted me a lot during my junior year at Kamiak. There was one day in particular when you gave me a pep talk that affected me so much that I remember writing about it in my journal. I don't even think you were aware, but there were certain days when your positivity lifted my spirits immensely. Thank you for that.

Claire - You've made me someone who cares about the world. Without you, I'd still probably be ignorant of so much. Now I'm not only a feminist and advocate for equality, but I'm a better Christian. And I have you to thank. I love you because I don't have to hide anything from you. And I also love that we twin by accident more often than not.

Cameron - Not even sure where to begin. You are by far the weirdest and most free-spirited and best person I know. Being around you makes me happy; you give the best advice; and I'm so excited to see what you accomplish in life. Whatever happens, I'm proud to call you my friend.

Paige - You were like my mentor during junior year. I have no idea what I would've done without you or our rides home or our random McDonald's dates. I cannot wait to go to college with you. More adventures await.

Taylor - My oldest friend. When we were growing up, I thoroughly had everyone convinced that we were cousins. From Cedar Point to camping to fairs... All my memories with you are incredible. I'm so excited for the future. Maybe you'll have kids and I can show them your baby photos and embarrass you (I hope so). Wherever the future takes us, I know that we'll still be friends, because, really, what would I do without you? 

Rebekah - I can't believe we did it. I am so proud of you. I know that we both go through a lot, but look! We made it!!! Together. Stay strong. Stay beautiful. Stay you. Always.

Austin - You are living proof that humans have the capability to grow and change. You've become such an amazing person/role model. Although I only get to see you once or twice a year now, you still manage to make my life easier to live. Thank you for everything.

Natasha - It's kind of insane to think that such an incredible friendship began because I needed someone to hold a microphone for me. You are one of my best friends and I truly don't know what I'd do without you. I hate the distance between us but somehow we manage to conquer it. Thank you for listening to me cry; for taking me on roadtrips; for loving me unconditionally; for picking me up at the airport at 1:30 am... For being you.

Jake - You were the first friend who ever really stuck around during my rough times. You proved that someone would not only care about me and fight for me, but would make it through and be there for me in my good times too. I love you endlessly. When we first met, we just clicked so fast that it was undeniable that a wonderful friendship was in the future. I can't even put words together to tell you how thankful I am for you.

The 8 Of Us Group - Thank you for always giving me reasons to keep going. You guys are a huge reason that I made it through my senior year. I can't imagine going through my last year of high school with anyone else. I don't know where the 8 of us will end up in the future, but I hope we still have adventures in our paths.

Diefa - My best friend. My other half. I love you I love you I love you. I go to you in my best times, my worst times, and my in-between times. When I see something funny on Tumblr, I screenshot it and send it to you without hesitation. When you call, I click the "answer" button without even thinking about it (unlike me with the rest of the human population). You make life worth living. You've shown me that it's possible to trust people after not trusting anyone for years. I can't wait to watch you get married and to spoil your kids and to be those elderly best friends who have some crazy Transformation Tuesdays. We're gonna take on the future and it's gonna be rad because we'll have each other.

Patty Walters - Patty is his own category. I met Patty at Vid Con and he ended up having this phenomenal band called "As It Is". This band sort of introduced me to alternative music which, now, is a massive part of my life. So when I met Patty again at one of his shows in Seattle, I asked him to write a tattoo for me- one of his lyrics. So, forever written on my back, is "I just want to believe in something" in his handwriting. Because of Patty, I've become a fan of lots of new bands, made a ridiculous amount of friends, gone to a ton of concerts, and I feel comfortable wearing black and band shirts- without fear of being judged.

I MADE IT, KIDS! And I'm here to tell you that you can too. Because while these people did help me, in the end, it was me who chose to stay alive. Me who chose to keep fighting. Me who decided that it might all be worth it.

And I'm here to tell you that it gets better. And that you can do this. 

Life is good.

And because I love quotes so much, I'm going to leave you with one: "We are graduating members from the class of 'we made it.'" -Shane Koyczan

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan