The New Girl

Being the new girl really- for lack of a better word- sucks. Everyone back home tells me it's the perfect time to reinvent myself and that everything will work out perfectly.

My problem is that I'm used to being antisocial and getting away with it. Here, if I want to have friends I've actually got to work pretty hard to have friends. All these unfamiliar faces already have their cliques, groups of friends and best friends. My job is to weasel my way into their lives and I don't feel right doing that.

Lunch is by far the most difficult time of the day. I sit with an amazing group of girls. They're all hilarious and so beautiful. They've been kind enough to take me in and let me sit with them. I just feel like such a bothersome charity case.

It's the oddest feeling, not knowing where you belong. You grow up with all these kids and eventually you mold your way into who you are. But here I am. Back at the beginning.

The war in my mind is escalating. Do I stay quiet and under the radar, or will it be worth the risk to make friends?

The acquaintances I've made so far are undeniably welcoming and flawless; but I just don't feel right trying to be their friend. It's not their fault that I moved here and I'm alone.

Either way, whether I'm friends with every single person in Mukilteo, Washington, or I'm 100% alone... I think I'll be okay.

...Short entry. But I felt the need to say that.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Really Sad Day

Today, I just couldn't gather the strength to get out of bed until 2:21 in the afternoon, let alone go to school at 7. I woke up to a freezing, empty apartment, and not-so-great weather. My new room's a disaster, and my to-do list is 8 pages long.

And while I was running about my apartment, throwing a pity-party, a family in Waterford, Michigan was grieving over the loss of their son, Charlie Vanbibber. From what I've heard, Charlie was a quiet, high-school student who was viciously bullied. News got out today that Charlie lost his battle to suicide.

At first, I was just kind of sad. I mean, I never knew Charlie, but of course the story was disappointing. How are people so okay with themselves, knowing that they're driving another person to the edge? Does bringing people down really make you feel good about yourself? 

How proud of yourself will you be when you look down into Charlie's coffin and see the life you killed?

The fact that suicide is even a reasonable option for anyone is mind-blowing. I've been there, and depression is brutal. I just find it hard to comprehend how miserable all these people must've been.

I'm done seeing people I care about die because they think they're alone. You're not alone. I care. I've been there. Please don't kill yourself.

I have walked straight through hell. Do not doubt me when I tell you that. I was at my rock bottom. My mom wasn't living in the same state, my boyfriend of 2 and a 1/2 years wanted out, and I thought I was completely and utterly alone. I'd written several suicide letters. I had a plan. When I tell you I was depressed, I don't mean that I was sad for a few days. I wanted to die.

If you're depressed, suicidal, or just upset... Please talk to me. Know that I care. I do not care if I don't know you, or if we've had problems in the past.

I'd much rather you come and talk to me than visit your funeral.

I think 2013 is the year to get rid of suicide. Let's show everyone how much they're worth.

• Smile at strangers
• Tweet compliments to people you hardly know
• Text a friend who's going through a hard time
• Hug people in the hallway that are crying

Let people know that SOMEONE cares!

It's been a really sad day. I don't want another day like this to reoccur this year. 2013 is our year. Let's make the most of it.

Stay strong.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Losing Myself

Sometimes it's really easy for me to forget who I want to be.

I want to be:

• happy
• thin
• loving
• welcoming
• nonjudgmental
• trustworthy
• a good singer
• a good writer
• someone other people enjoy being around
• the daughter that my mom and dad hope for
• a decent sister
• a good guitarist
• a role model
• an actress
• pretty
• successful
• motivated
• productive
• healthy

So why do I act like the opposite of all those things?

Sometimes I just get so caught up in all the negativity that surrounds me- all the bad vibes. I find myself getting really sad, angry, and hostile. I'm addicted to my depression and that's something that's never going to change or go away. The way that I deal with my disease is what defines me. I really have come a long way. My recovery has improved a ton.

But maybe I'm afraid of happiness. It's almost like I want to relapse and be sad. Maybe I'm trying to self-destruct because I don't know what to do with this new-found hope. 

I guess I've sort of lost myself a bit. But is that part of my recovery: struggling, finding my way through it, and ending up stronger? I hope so.

It'd at least make all of this... insanity... make sense.

Onto news of... CALMING ANXIETY:

Here's a gif. It was specifically created to calm anxiety. I know it seems strange, but add this to your list of tools if a panic attack is coming on. 

Simple, but effective!

ALL ABOUT WASHINGTON

My school is really... not bad at all. It's strange coming from a small, sketchy school. Now I'm surrounded by thousands of kids with Prada bags and wallets full of their parents' money. I'm sort of a misfit, but I think that's okay. I know I'm not the only kid with $5 in their pocket in case I need lunch or something out of a vending machine. (The school has like 7 vending machines. Wtf.)

Seattle is beautiful and I hope to spend a day their soon. It's beautiful driving through the city at night, with all the gorgeous lights.

Isn't it sort of mesmerizing to see all those buildings with the lights still on at midnight? I can't help but have curiosity take over and wonder what these peoples' stories are. Working late to feed their families; young adults partying; friends catching up; Starbucks making loads of money. I mean, who knows? It's sort of fantastical if you think about it. 

How immensely tiny and insignificant is my existence?

And is there any way I can make my life any more... memorable?

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

What Keeps Me Going

Okay, so I'm not gonna lie. Moving 2,200 miles away from everything you know and love is kind of scary. I'm in this new town with people I know nothing about. It's lonely and strange and I'm not really sure what to do with myself.

Luckily for me, I have the most supportive family members. Every morning, I receive a text from my amazing grandpa. It gives me hope for the day. This is the first message I received from him:

I've noticed recently that giving up and finding things to be sad about is really easy for me. If you look hard enough, you can find flaws in even the most beautiful things. If the sky is blue, leave it that way. Why search for rain? Why go somewhere cloudy and foggy when you can stay right where you are, and soak in  the sun's rays?

Happiness is strange, you know? I understand what depression is because I've felt it. Depression is easy to describe: It's like you're drowning and can't breathe, but you can sea everyone else above the surface breathing perfectly fine. I feel as though happiness is a bit more difficult to explain because happiness is different for everyone.

To me, happiness is...

• finishing writing a song
• getting good grades
• making my parents proud
• helping someone out
• smiling at strangers
• all things pink
• telling people to "have a good day" :)
• lazy days with the family
• watching old Disney movies
• starbucks
• texting an old friend and letting them know how important they are
• the smell of vanilla candles
• being able to wear yoga pants ALL day long
• playing guitar
• learning a new song
• singing in the car
• laughing
• a large coke from mcdonald's
• taking silly pictures with people
• buying new art supplies (colored pencils, markers...)
• coloring in a coloring book
• visiting animal shelters
• playing with my puppies
• making flower arrangements for my mom
• learning new ways to braid hair
• reading quotes on tumblr

Call me crazy, but I think that there's actually a lot to be happy about. That list only names a few things that I love.

MORAL TO THE STORY: Happiness is achievable. You just have to want it.

Stay strong, lovelies.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Food and Animals!

Hello, everyone! I've just recently come across some YouTubers' blogs and decided to create one for myself!

Well, to be quite truthful, I'm not sure what to write...

I guess I could start with, I visited an animal shelter yesterday with a friend of mine. I fell in love with an 8-month-old kitten named Ms. Sparkles.

The only thing I've got left to do is to convince my mom to purchase her. Honestly, why WOULDN'T anyone buy this adorable cat?! Well, you know, unless someone in the family is allergic... like I am.

ONTO OTHER NEWS.
I've recently discovered lots of new chains of restaurants here in Washington! One is called "Jack in the Box". It's a common fast food place. Not as common as McDonald's or anything, but you're still able to spot one out every once in awhile.

The other restaurant that is MASSIVELY talked about is "Dick's"! It's a hamburger place. (It's Washington's thing. It personally reminds me of In N Out Burger in California- that sort of thing.)
They have four different types of burgers to purchase, fries, milkshakes, fountain pop, and ice cream! Also, a lot of people get Dick's tartar sauce for their fries. I've also been told that their milkshakes are really good; however, I have not yet had a chance to try one.
(Warning: Cash only!)

Oh, and another thing to be aware of: Dick's is open until 2am, so be sure to keep it in mind if you're in need of a late-night meal!

Well, I've survived the first to weeks on the west coast.

This story's just begun.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan