Dealing with Heartbreak

After your heart's been broken, you feel just that: broken. You feel like life will never go on and you'll never wake up feeling happy again. You've heard there's light at the end of the tunnel but you do not see it. In fact, you guess that perhaps someone built a large brick wall right in the middle of the tunnel to keep you trapped in the black oblivion forever, never to feel the sun's brilliant warmth on your cheeks again.

Although you feel shattered like a fragile mirror tossed to the pavement, you must know that mirrors can be put back together again and so can you. Similar to a glued-back-together mirror, though, there will be cracks, signalling that you are not the same as before. Do not worry. Eventually, you will stare into that mirror so much, every single day, that you'll no longer even think about the cracks.

People will say it gets better. But this is not what you want to hear. You want to hear he's coming back for you. Please understand that that is a fantasy. And that story is over. So when people tell you that everything will get easier as life continues on, do not be frustrated. Trust that they've been through this before and that they are being honest.

Because it is true: it does get better. At first, the pain will be so intense that it will feel like a scolding hot curling iron pressing into your skin with no relief. At first, you will feel as though you're drowning at sea. But soon you will float. And later you will swim. Do not swim in circles. Swim back to shore.

When the time comes, he will find a new girl to share his life with. Do not hate him for doing this. He has to move on just as you do. Do not hate the new girl either. Trust that they deserve each other and that you deserve better than him.

As the stars begin to reveal themselves at night, you cannot let yourself think too much. Do not list off things you think you should've done differently. Do not wonder if he misses you too. Instead, think of a goal for tomorrow. Achieve something. Be proud of yourself. Because you can only cry yourself to sleep so many times before you run out of tears. Go to sleep peacefully and float into a peaceful darkness. Not a scary one.

You will be okay without him. You will continue life without him. You do not need him in order to be happy.

Now you know you shouldn't have let your happiness depend on him. Do not place your happiness in someone's palm ever again. That person can only hold their hand open for so long before clamping it shut into a fist.

Be your own hero. You can never count on anyone else to save you because you can't even count on them to stick around.

Oh, and P.S.: I know you loved him. You really, really loved him with all of your heart. I know you would've done anything for him. But keep in mind that while you lost someone who didn't love you- he lost someone who did love him... And truly, I believe him to be in the worst position.

Stay strong my beautiful, heartbroken friends,

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

What Are You So Afraid Of?

In the past, when people asked me what I was afraid of, I gave a really common answer. I would tell them that I was deathly afraid of spiders and snakes and heights. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of spiders or snakes. (I don't mind heights, to be honest.) But spiders and snakes are not my worst fears anymore.

What am I afraid of now?

I'm afraid that the guy I like might like me back -even just a tiny bit. And I'm afraid of this because my fear of rejection is holding me back from telling him that I've been crushing on him for awhile now.

I'm afraid that I don't tell my family I love them enough. I'm afraid that because of this, they don't realize how much I appreciate them.

I'm afraid of not being pretty enough. I'm afraid that because of this fear, I might go back to unhealthy eating habits.

I'm afraid that my depression might get too out of hand one day. And I'm afraid I might make a big mistake.

I am afraid that I am wasting my teenage years away. By age 16, Taylor Swift had released her first album. And the most I've done since turning 16 is fly alone on a plane.

I'm afraid that I'm missing out on opportunities, such as hanging out with people, because I'm scared that my social anxiety will cause me to have a panic attack in public.

I'm afraid that when I'm older (if I live to be "older") I will regret stressing too much as a high-schooler.

I'm afraid that I serve no purpose. I'm afraid that I'm not helping enough people. I'm afraid that I'm passing people in the hallways every day that need a friend- and I'm not there for them.

But living in fear isn't going to get me anywhere.

I think that telling the boy I like is a good idea. If he likes me, then... Well, that's good. And if he doesn't like me... Well, he's a senior and so nobody will remember him rejecting me once he graduates.

I think I'm going to start telling my family how much I love them. I'm going to do this when we're hanging up on the phone; when I'm leaving their house; when they're leaving my house; when they achieve something; and when they do small favors for me.

I think I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I am who I am and I cannot change the body I was given. Since I dislike the way I look, the most I can do is eat healthier and work out more. And I am fully capable of doing those things.

I think I'm going to have to stop wasting my life away in my room. I'm going to have to forget about the anxiety. I'm going to have to forget about the depression. I'm going to have to deal with the fact that suicide will never be the answer. And so I'm going to have to start looking for colleges to go to.

Now you know my greatest fears. And now you know that I will get through them and I will be okay.

So, my question to you is this: What are you so afraid of?

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

A Year In The Life (2013)

As 2013 reaches its finale, I keep reminiscing over this year. A lot's happened. A lot's changed. And so I'm going to use the method of going month-by-month to sum all of it up.


2013

January: I moved to Washington on January 5th. When school started up, I was the new kid. I was friendly with a lot of people in my classes but I didn't have any real friends. It was definitely hard to be away from family back home, too. Then I got involved in this amazing youth group called Young Life. I started to meet more people but by the end of January, I was still left with acquaintances.

February: I went home to Michigan. On my first day back, I was cyberbullied by my ex and all his friends. (I wrote a blogpost about that. Don't worry. Everything worked out in my favor.) When I came back, I was absolutely torn apart and ready to give up. But I didn't.

March: I started up my beauty channel on YouTube (aka the best decision of my life). I adore being a beauty guru. YouTube makes me happy and I love using my free time to make videos. March was a good month.

April: I went to Forks, Port Angeles and La Push. Since I was a die-hard Twilight fan in middle school, this was actually pretty crazy. (I think I wrote a blog post on this vacation.) I got pictures by the Forks sign and the beach and everything was just perfect.

May: I LITERALLY REMEMBER NOTHING FROM MAY I'M SORRY

June: The second school was released, I went home to Michigan. I spent a little while there. While I was home, I met my best friend in person, Anna. :) Being home was better this time, compared to February, because I knew who I wanted to see and who I wanted to avoid.

July: I spent the majority of July traveling around Europe with my cousin, Haley. (Link to all my Europe vlogs is: youtube.com/JordanWinansVlogs.) It was the best summer of my life and I still can't believe I got to go to all these amazing countries and cities. Stepping foot into London was unbelievable. I never thought I'd be able to go there and being there was utterly surreal. (Also, I turned 16 in a castle in southern Germany so that was cool.) Once I was back in Michigan, a bus took a bunch of people and me down to Indiana for the weekend to a convention for a program I'm in. There, I performed an original song in front of 300+ people (you can see the performance at youtube.com/JordanWinansMusic) and made friends that'll be around for a lifetime. Leaving Indiana was even harder than leaving Germany.

August: I came back to Washington. This month consisted of lots of back-to-school preparations and finishing summer projects. Nothing too special.

September: I went to my junior homecoming with choir kids! It was the best homecoming ever! (You can check out how I got ready for it at youtube.com/JordanWinansBeauty and my homecoming experience at youtube.com/JordanWinansVlogs). As school started up, I began to make lots of real friends. First of all, I became an assistant for my school's dance team. I do their makeup and videotape them. It's so much fun. So in September I met all the dancers (there's 27 altogether) and started creating friendships with them. Another way I began to make friends was through normal classes at school. I started making an effort to talk to people. Things were looking up in September.

October: In October, I went to my first haunted house. IT WAS HORRIBLE. That's pretty much October summed up. (Sorry.)

November: My grandma and great-grandpa visited for Thanksgiving. Seeing them in Washington was phenomenal. I love them so much. We went to the space needle, too, which was fantastic. (You can check that experience out at youtube.com/JordanWinansVlogs.) The worst part of November was when they went back home to Michigan.

December: Well, here we are in December. Christmas was good. Winter break is going alright. I've started watching American Horror Story (currently on the 2nd season). And that's that.

Between all these moments, there were things happening with me. It's no secret that I struggle from depression and anxiety and whatever else blah blah blah. The point is, I'm still here. I stuck it out. I've stuck around. And I'm here to tell you that whatever you're going through- it'll get better. I believe in you. I love you. And it gets better.

Here's to loving ourselves better next year.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Grievances

Loss. It's something we all go through.

We lose friendships to rumors.

We lose relationships to lack of trust.

And we lose pets, loved ones, acquaintances, and family members to death.

Losses occur every day, and we can all relate: we've all lost something at one point in our lives.

But the question is this: How do we grieve over our losses?

How do we deal with the pain?

Grievances

Moments ago, I finished watching this week's episode of Glee titled "The Quarterback". It was an episode dedicated to remembering Cory Monteith. I've been a fan of Glee since the very first episode. I've been here from the beginning. But I've never been obsessed with the show. 

Yet, as I watched the episode, I simply could not stop crying.

It's surreal to think that a celebrity from our generation reached the end of the road. We hear about our parents' heroes dying and don't think very much of it... But now it's real. It's all too real for us. Now we've lost someone and it is a wake up call.

The episode made me think back to the people I've lost to death. There's a list of about 10. And just like Chris Colfer said in Glee, it doesn't matter how they died. That's not important. The fact of the matter is that they're gone. And it - for lack of a better word- sucks. 

You get so used to people being alive that you forget they're not always going to be able to breathe. You forget to hug them when they leave. You forget to say "I love you" when you get off the phone with them. You forget to say how proud you are of them, and how much they mean to you. You forget that the words you're saying to them just may be the last words they'll ever hear from you.

 

The episode also made me think back to the friendships I've lost. People grow up and people grow apart. And you may have these awesome plans to get married with the boy you're currently dating. And you might be planning a roadtrip across the country with your best friend next summer. But people grow up and people grow apart. Today, right now, just be happy that they're there. Because maybe something will change and tomorrow, nothing will be the same.

So, grief.

How do you deal with grief?

For me, I have a few different ways of dealing with it. And this is because my grief usually comes in stages: shock, sadness, anger, and more sadness.

When I'm sad, I usually just sit around and cry. That's it. That's all I do. That's how I handle sadness. And maybe that's not the "right" way to go about things. But that's what I do.

When I'm angry, I like to be sort-of destructive. But when you're angry, don't say things you don't mean. When I'm angry, the best thing I can do is stay away from people. I like to throw water balloons at brick walls. I like to walk into the lake with my clothes on. I like to tear up phone books and throw the ripped-up paper all over the room.

And then I'm sad again.

And I always come back to this: This grief is real. And they're not coming back. Will throwing things and crying truly help me?

And so what do I always end up doing?

I write.

And so here I am, crying my eyes out about Cory Monteith and everything/everyone else that I've lost in this world. And I'm writing.

Grief is a brutal thing, but it needs to be done. So cry. Throw things. Write.

Just remember to love the people around you today. And never wait until tomorrow to say "I love you" if you so clearly know that you love them. Because the only thing that can make loss worse is regret.

Love always,

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

An American Abroad

European Update

Hello everyone! If you've been keeping up with me on Instagram (or if we're friends on Facebook) then you'll know that, currently, I am in Europe!

I arrived in Frankfurt, Germany last Monday. It was June 24th. The next morning- at 5, mind you- I left to England. My great-uncle, great-aunt, and my second cousin are the people traveling with me. Oh. And did I mention that we're driving?

Yep. We drove to a small town the first night and stayed in a townhouse. It was lovely, except for the lack of WiFi.

Then we were off to Edinburgh. There, we stayed in a wonderful apartment for four nights. My cousin, Caitlin, graduated from the University of Edinburgh while we were there. The ceremony was cool, and the best part was that as the graduating student walked across the stage, they didn't shake the professor's hand. The professor tapped each and every student on the head with a hat. 

It was brilliant. My cousin, Haley, and I joked that it reminded us of The Sorting Hat from the Harry Potter series. Every time the hat touched a head, I wanted to shout "Gryffindor!" or "Slytherin!"

While I was in Edinburgh, I also got the chance to watch Caitlin's band perform at two of their many gigs! Her band is amazing! They're called "The Blueswater" and she plays the bass. I definitely recommend checking them out. They're all super talented people with great personalities. It was awesome to meet everyone and listen to them play.

After Caitlin graduated, the five of us headed north to the highlands. I visited Loch Ness! Didn't find the monster. Such a shame. But the water was beautiful.

The highlands were actually really peaceful and relaxing. We stayed in a bed & breakfast. Outside the windows were tons of acres of grass filled with sheep. Definitely a different atmosphere from the city life of Edinburgh. OH AND WE WENT DOLPHIN-WATCHING AND SAW AT LEAST TWO RAINBOWS! AH!

We dropped Caitlin back off in Edinburgh and began our trek back southward. We've stayed at different hotels each night. All of the cities are stunning. The old architecture is amazing and so unlike anything I've seen in America.

I've also been in a few cathedrals and castles. I even passed by the castle where the cast of Harry Potter had their first flying lesson. HOW COOL, RIGHT?!

Tomorrow will be spent at Harry Potter World.

And the day after that? London.

Love you guys and I'll see you soon!

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

I Remember.

It is 8:30 at night (west coast time) and I am sitting in my mother's bed and I 
am remembering.

I am remembering when I was three and you shoved my mother to the floor.

I am remember when I was ten and you called me "the c word".

I remember being afraid and wounded and broken. I think I still am afraid and 
wounded and broken. And it sucks.

I remember the butterflies in my stomach when you-know-who asked me out in grade 
7. I remember how he became my best friend. I also remember how I forgot my 
other friends when we were together. I remember how lonely I felt when we broke 
up because he was the only person I kept around.

I remember the fear I felt as I was being admitted into Havenwyck (a mental 
hospital in Michigan) for the first time. I remember how going there the second 
time wasnt any less scary.

I remember that I am only 15 years old, but I have considered suicide for 4 
years.

I remember meeting Elizabeth Burnand when I was 4 and how she's grown into this 
amazing person who I love and idolize.

I remember my sister who I sometimes forget is still a kid and I remember that I 

should be nicer to her.

I remember a boy named Nick who Facebook-friended me after my first day at 
Kamiak High School in Mukilteo, Washington. I take a moment to appreciate how he 
introduced me to a girl named Patrycia to sit with at lunch. I remember how Patrycia introdced me to all of her friends. I remember how nice it was to not be alone at lunchtime.

I remember when a flawless, brilliant girl named Micailah Moore invited me to a 
youth group and I remember bawling my eyes out at the group because I finally 
felt like I belonged in Washington.

I remember Taylor Clark- my best friend since the day I was born. And I think 
about how she is my best friend, my sister, and my role model. I think about how 
she lost her dog, Kooper, this year and I wonder how she is so strong. I wish I 
were as strong as Taylor.

I remember that the last time I hung out with anyone besides Taylor was over 6 
months ago. This makes me feel sort of lonely.

I think this is because I have anxiety issues and being social makes me nervous.

I remember that I am no longer suicidal and that makes me nervous because that's 
all I've ever known. And I don't really know what to be if I'm not suicidal.

And I remember that I'm only 15 and it's okay that I don't know what I'm feeling 
because I'm a teenager and that's normal.

I remember that I'm not the only person to make mistakes.

I remember that I have a 70% in Algebra II and how I got All-As throughout 
middle school. This disappoints me.

Then I remember how I've hardly gone to high school because my depression, 
suicidal thoughts, PTSD, and anxiety kept me from getting out of bed.

I remember that I am proud of myself for working out my issues, even if I had to 
put my grades behind my mental health.

I remember all the girls at my lunch table, especially Ingrid who has 2 classes 
with me and will complain about how awful they are with me.

I sit at my lunch table and think about how these girls have known each other 
forever and yet they are still welcoming enough to allow me to sit with them 
during lunch.

I remember my best friends, Anna Hueter and Liz Harris. I remember how they are 
strong and beautiful. I remember when I told them I was going to kill myself 
last month. I remember how angry I was when they called the police on me. I 
remember forgiving them because I would've done the same thing in their 
position. I love them with every piece of my being. I remember that I'd be dead 
if it wasn't for them.

I remember my aunt who kept me from killing myself when my mom was away.

I remember my mom who kept me from killing myself for the past 2 years.

I remember anyone and everyone who has never given up on me. I'd like to thank 
you for that.

I sit and remember that I have come a long way. I am no longer shy. I talk about 
my feelings.

I sit and I remember that it is okay to not be okay.

I remember that I am Jordan Ashley Winans. I am only 15. I have my whole life 
ahead of me to stress and worry and cry. And I remember that tomorrow could be 
the best day of my life.

I remember where I am from and where I'd like to be going.

I remember.

And I know that I will never forget.

-Jordan xx




Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com



Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

The Latest & Greatest Adventures

Hello, everyone. It's been awhile.

Well, since I've been completely useless as far as updating this blog goes... I haven't the slightest idea of where to begin.

Spring break, I guess? Okay.


Spring Break

So for spring break, I ventured off to the Olympic Peninsula. This means, I finally made it to Forks! Needless, to say, I'm a massive Twilight fan and this was such an incredible experience. Along with Forks, I also made it over to Port Angeles and La Push- both of which were also in the series. La Push was probably my ultimate favorite place. The beach was incredible. Plus, I've never seen people surf in real life, so that was cool!

Here is the part of my blog where I bombard you with pictures that you probably don't care about. Fair warning.

Here I am, entering the city of Forks. It was beautiful the entire weekend- sunshine and warm weather.

Basically the smallest town ever.

Go Spartans!

This was Bella Swan's (Kristen Stewart's) truck throughout the first few Twilight books!

Entering Quiliete territory. In the movies, Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) was a Quilete.

I think the Quilietes have seen the Twilight movies.

Someone surfing on a beach in La Push.

The water was freezing! After the photo shoot here, I couldn't feel my legs/feet for a good 30 minutes.

The gorgeous view from the beach.

Super beautiful.

The other side of the Quiliete sign that I saw when I was leaving the territory.

So that's spring break for you.

YouTube
So I've been having loads of fun with YouTube. I've made two new channels.
My first channel with music is http://www.youtube.com/JordanWinansMusic
Then, one of my new channels is focused on beauty. It's: http://www.youtube.com/JordanWinansBeauty
The last channel is my vlog channel. You can go here to see how my spring break went: http://www.youtube.com/JordanWinansVlogs

I love making videos. I love hearing how my music affects people. I love writing songs. I love sharing my knowledge with people on the Internet.

YouTube is just something I've fallen in love with, and I hope you like my videos.

Personal Stuff
I'm going to be honest with you about how I've been doing. I feel like lying about it would be counterproductive. I didn't make this blog to tell you I'm doing amazing when I'm not. I made this blog so that you can keep up with what's going on.

I've been struggling. School is difficult. I'm only getting As in two classes- one of them being Honors English II, because I love writing and reading. Showing up for school is probably the most difficult thing ever. My social anxiety has been raging through the roof and my panic attacks are reoccurring. I just keep telling myself that all I have to do it make it through 2 more months.

It's just that right now, 2 months seems like a mountain that I'm not prepared to climb.

Thank You
I would like to say thank you to my two best friends in the entire world, Liz Harris and Anna Hueter. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for risking our friendship to save my life.

Thank you for being brave, and beautiful, and strong.

Thank you for being you.

Happily Ever After
I don't know about happy endings. My life hasn't ended yet. I guess all I can do is hope that before I die, things will make sense.

Hopefully, I'll understand why I was mentally abused. And maybe I'll understand why I was called names at 7 years old because I didn't want to play basketball. And hopefully I'll know why I was forced into such a dark place for so many years.

I think just seeing all the pieces fall into place is worth sticking around for.

All I can do is hope.


Love always!

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan