Out Of Place

It seems so weird to stand in a room with lots of people and feel really alone.

Last January, I moved to Washington. Since I've been here for over a year, you'd think that I'd stop considering myself to be "the new girl" still. But there's so much that happened before I got here that I missed out on. All of these people went to elementary and middle school together. They have stories of birthday parties and inside jokes about old teachers. These people I go to school with have had some opportunities that I haven't. And although almost everyone at my school is kind and welcoming, there are still moments when I feel out of place.

I've been really struggling with lots of things for awhile now and have therefore become just as antisocial as I used to be, taking a hundred steps backwards. I can't tell you the last time I asked a friend to hang out instead of staying home by myself. And having this social anxiety doesn't mean I hate people because I don't. I love people. It's just that the idea of going out sounds a lot less fantastic than just staying home and writing.

For the past couple of weeks I helped out with makeup for a musical. We all know I adore doing makeup, but forcing myself to show up to this musical several times a week was sort of out of my comfort zone even though I hardly did anything. 

I think maybe the reason I feel so awkward around everyone is because I feel as though I've just invaded everyone's lives. Like, nobody asked me to move to Kamiak. Nobody asked me to eat lunch in his/her space. Nobody asked for me to try and be his/her friend. Yet here I am, in everyone's way.

The reason I'm writing this blog now and not a few months ago is because last night, I was social. I went to a party that the entire musical cast was invited to. The crew, techies, pit and directors were there as well. Before getting in the car to go the party, I had half a mind to just walk home, but my friends convinced me that nothing bad would happen and I'd regret not going. 

Even though one of the directors invited me to the party, I cannot even begin to describe how out of place I felt. I walked into that house with shaking hands and a racing heart. I was just waiting for someone to ask me to leave. I looked at a few of my friends and just kept saying "I don't belong here." 

And I know this all seems silly. Going to a party with not only a bunch of your friends but with awesome teachers shouldn't be such a big deal. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't seem to handle it. If it hadn't been for my one friend who asked people to make room for me where we were all sitting, I think my anxiety would have made me leave and walk home.

Sometimes I wonder if I can still do this. It can be really exhausting being this anxious all the time. Most days, I have an internal battle with myself before even heading to where I sit for lunch because I'm afraid people don't want me there but are too kind to say so. 

Sometimes I wonder if I should've done homeschooling. 

Sometimes I feel like I might explode.

Everyone here is so nice, but I don't fit in. 

And of course I don't want anyone to read this and think that giving into your disorder is okay because I know it isn't. And I'd like to be a role model for people who are struggling. Maybe I'm just going through a rough patch and need to blog it out.

It's just a constant war inside my mind and I can't tell which part of me is winning and which is losing.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

The "Right" Way to Do Things

Before I begin, this blog might have some ideas that disagree with your own; however, I firmly believe that if you can't tolerate opinions that are different from yours, then the Internet is not the place for you. :)

The "Right" Way to Do Things

Normality

I have a million and two thoughts racing through my head right now, but I think I'm going to start this blog off by talking about a book. And it might seem silly at first but I promise there's a point to talking about this book. The book I'm going to mention here is "Paper Towns" by John Green. I know you're probably rolling your eyes, but you know, sometimes I drift away from the normal genres that I tend to read and find myself reading books that all teenage girls are reading. (AKA: anything by John Green.)

In "Paper Towns," a girl named Margo mentions that the rules for capitalization are incredibly unfair to the words in the center of a sentence and are not a proper noun. I think I agree with her. Why don't We Type like This? Because there are rules. And rules are normality. And we're all so used to normality that when we begin to detach from it, we find that we are uncomfortable.

In life, there seems to be a "right" way to go about all things. There's an order, you see. And if anyone does something out of order, it's considered wrong, such as pregnancy before marriage. But there could be a perfectly good explanation as to why the people who conceived the child aren't married. Maybe they just don't want to be married. Why isn't that answer good enough?

Because, you see, people are dying to graduate high school.

And dying to move out.

And dying to go to college.

And dying to find a partner.

And dying to have kids.

And dying to find a good job to send their kids through the same cycle.

And dying to retire.

And, it's just that I'm wondering when I'll get the chance to live.

To be perfectly honest, I don't see the point of staying in high school other than I won't be able to get into college without graduating. And that doesn't make much sense, does it? Because I don't exactly do much at school. I only have 2 real classes out of the 6 that I attend.

And I have no interest in staying in-state for college. There is so much of the world that I have yet to see. Staying in one place for too long feels suffocating. I want to explore.

I want to have a job that I like. I don't want a desk job. I refuse to ever have one. I'd like a job where I can travel or talk to people or find new things. I want to help people or write or do something that'll matter.

And maybe I'll have a husband and kids. And maybe I won't. But I know that no boy is going to follow me around the world and a few years ago, that thought would've terrified me, but I've learned so much about myself and I've realized that I'll be okay exploring the world on my own.

My mind just doesn't grasp the concept of having a small life. I want to do things. I really dislike routine and that's all life is right now. It's the same routine every day: Wake up; go to my classes; come home; do homework; sleep; repeat. No part of this lifestyle is interesting to me.

Stop Being Judgmental
Another thing that I've come to discover is that humans are awfully judgmental. And I don't want to be that way. I now realize that each person has a story and that they matter. How cool is that? Each person you meet has been though amazing things and heartbreaking things and they've seen parts of the world that you haven't. So why on earth would you judge the way someone acts or dresses or talks?

Try asking questions. I have a tattoo and I love it when people ask me what it means because the meaning behind it is huge. The tattoo is on the back of my neck and says "Redemp†ion". I got it because I love my God and my religion is what helped me get through some really horrific times in my life.

Redemption means to restore worth or value. Didn't I do that when I decided not to quit on life?

If you don't understand the way someone dresses or the way they do their hair or why they prefer a different sexuality or religion than you do, just ask. Questions are okay. Being judgmental is not.

Do What Makes You Happy
Too often in life, people do things to please others. Please don't do that.

I see kids go to the college of their dad's choice.
Or play the sport their mom loved.
Or go somewhere they didn't want to go because their friend asked them to.

Stop it. It's your life. Make your own decisions. Make decisions that will make you happy even if it's out of the ordinary.

Take a gap year if you please. Go into fashion design instead of marine biology. Find a lame apartment in a cool city and sit on the streets and talk to people who pass by.

You only have so long on this planet and you can't spend your time worrying about whether your decisions won't be "right" enough to please society.

I'm not sure what will happen to me or the rest of my life. But I do know that whatever choices I make, I will choose for me because only I know what truly makes me happy. And I know that's something we can all agree on: happiness is the real prize in this life.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

What I Would've Missed Out On

Blogging is often very on-the-surface kind of conversation. I, however, have never been one to talk about the weather. I don't care about what you had for lunch last week or what gossip you heard from your great-aunt's sister's friend who lives around the world.

I'm much more fascinated by hearing about your story. I want to know where you grew up and what your family was like. Tell me about the sports you played as a kid and who your first celebrity crush was. I'd like to know what your favorite meal is so that I can cook it for your birthday. Tell me about who broke your heart and the stories behind each scar.

With that being said, I'm going to jump into a subject that I often talk about, but others may not. I've just kind of learned that by sharing my personal experiences -successes and failures; strengths and weaknesses- I might help another person. And that'd be really cool. So, in hopes that I might help one person by writing this blog... well, I'm going to write this blog.

What I Would've Missed Out On

When I was 12, an acquaintance committed suicide. I say "acquaintance" instead of "friend" because that is what we were. It's that way with living people- saying "acquaintance" if we're acquaintances and "friend" if we're friends and so I think talking about those who've passed should be the same way. I feel like saying we were friends would be disrespectful- as if I were to be looking for pity. But I'm not. This is just where this blog's story begins.

I had a rough childhood. I lived with an alcoholic and grew up with verbal abuse. I hated my body from the second I started 2nd grade at age 7. Even back then, I preferred to be alone. I isolated myself when I wasn't at school.

And so when this acquaintance killed himself, the idea of suicide seeped into my skin like poison. It was all I could think about. If I was in science class, I'd finish the notes and just sit there, staring into space, and plan how I could do it. I thought of the ways to say goodbye in a letter. For awhile, I thought I should only write one letter but then I decided to write one letter to each important person in my life. Then maybe I'd just write a generic goodbye on Facebook?

I thought about who would attend my funeral. There were girls at my school who did not like me. I wondered if they'd pretend to be sad to get attention or if they'd smile and be glad I was gone. I thought of the people who might want to give speeches. I wondered if anyone would recite an important memory. I wondered if I'd be able to watch my funeral.

I wondered if I'd be allowed into Heaven or if the sin was too great to go anywhere besides hell.

But let me remind you of something: I was twelve.

If I had done it- if I'd have  killed myself- I would've missed out on so much. Just thinking about how it could've all ended with the gun in the basement... It really messes with my head.

Let me walk you through some of the awesome things that have happened to me since age 12.

• In 8th grade, a middle school in the district closed and so a ton of new students arrived at my school. I became best friends with an awesome girl for two years. We don't talk now, but that's okay. It was a good friendship while I lasted. She shaped me into who I am today. I am no longer afraid and outspoken. And I never told her thank you for that, but... If you're reading this (and you know who you are) thank you.
• Towards the end of 7th grade, I dated a boy. We dated for 2 and a half years. We're no good for each other now and we might never talk again but I'm okay. I learned a lot. And now I know what I want in future relationships. Plus, it was the best experience having a best friend like that for a couple years.
• I was on several volleyball teams and at that time, I loved it. I remember just thoroughly enjoying myself and being content on the court with teammates I could count on.
• I spent a year with the best therapist in the world. I mean, she was phenomenal. And that's an experience that'll benefit me forever.
• I did outpatient twice at a hospital for my depression and anxiety and, although I hated it at the time, I am thankful for it now because it was a place where I could be myself and I learned a lot about myself there.
• My mom got a job in Washington and so we moved here.
• I now go to the best school ever. And, no, I do not love school. I don't like waking up at 6 nor am I in love with the way American school systems are run; however, if I had the option of choosing any school in the world because I had to go to school, it would be this one.
• I created an anonymous Twitter account and found a place to share my poetry and feelings. It's really quite a cool concept. It's a nice escape when I need it.
• I found an awesome youth group that accepts me for who I am... even on my bad days.
• I've grown closer with my little sister which is quite the improvement considering we used to not be able to be in the same room without screaming at each other.
• I've made some unbelievable friends here in Washington. These are friends that always have my back. These are the friends that know to not believe me when I say I'm fine. These are the friends that, unlike previous friends, will not turn on me or try to beat me down. These are real, genuine friends.
• I traveled across Europe with my cousin/best friend. I spent my 16th birthday in the castle that inspired Cinderella's. I stood in a red telephone booth near Big Ben. I ate dinner in Paris. I visited Harry Potter studios. I was at Hogwarts. I was in the Great Hall. I traveled across Europe, you guys.
• I read some amazing books. I watched some awesome movies. I can't imagine my life without "Harry Potter" or "Divergent" or "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" or "Frozen," considering I watch one of them every day and am constantly rereading the books (besides "Frozen," of course, which is not a book).
• I visited Forks, WA, which is where "Twilight" takes place, of course, last year for spring break. I also went to La Push and saw people surfing in the ocean for the first time in real life.
• I became a manager for my school's dance team and had the privilege of working with them and doing their makeup all year. I watched them give it their all at state and I'd never been so proud.
• I received a video made by the captains of the dance team. The video was of people around school and girls from the team saying amazing things about me. To this day, I cannot believe that people took the time out of their day to do that for me. No gift will ever measure up to that video.
• I got a tattoo that says "Redemption" and I think you'll get why once you've read the entire blog post.
• I went to homecoming and tolo (girls-ask-guys) with wonderful people and actually had fun.
• I created YouTube channels and learned so much about beauty and made friends all over the world because of it.
• I've seen so many artists in concert and each experience was phenomenal because I think the idea of being in a huge room with hundreds/thousands of people that love the same thing you do is amazing.
• I've seen nature and I've seen cities and I've realized that Earth is so beautiful.

As I said before, I have no use for on-the-surface conversation. This implies that I have no use for lying; therefore, I will not lie and say I am cured and happy and carefree. Life is hard and I'm usually quite sad and suicide is a thought that  has not strayed from my mind for 4 years now. I've written countless suicide notes and all of them are still in my closet because I'm not sure if I want to get rid of them.

But looking back and reliving the good times gives me hope.

If you're suicidal, there are a few things that help me during my really bad moments.

• Go for a walk. I know it might sound stupid, but the exercise relieves anxiety. If you're into photography, then you should find things to take pictures of on your walk, even if it's just with your phone!
• Write. Write, write, write.
• Text a friend. Again, it might seem silly, but you'd be surprised how much some people can relate.
• Vent online. I do it on that anonymous Twitter account I mentioned and on Tumblr. It works for me.
• Rip paper. My therapist I mentioned used to tear up phone books with me and it got out a lot of anger. It's being destructive without causing anyone harm.

This isn't a bad life. It's just a rough patch, I hope. I think that maybe I'll get through it and if I do, I'll be able to look back and be proud of myself.

If you're like me, I'm so proud of you for sticking around. I think it is so brave of you to continue life when you want to die because I know how hard it is.

And so if you're depressed or suicidal or just sad, I am proud of you for getting up today. And if you got out of bed, good for you. If you didn't, that's okay too. Your health - physical and mental - comes before anything, including work, school and everything else. The most important thing is keeping you alive.

And if I would've killed myself at 12, I would've missed out on all of this. I would've missed out on watching my family grow up and moving to Washington and meeting the friends I now have. I would've missed out on my first love and my youth group and seeing so many parts of the world.

There are days when I do not want to get out of bed, yes; but never think that I regret my choice. Because I chose life. And I'm trying to keep choosing it. It's a daily battle. But I've made it this far and I think that's pretty cool.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Eating Disorder Awareness Week

I'm not really sure how to begin this blog entry. I feel like saying "Happy Eating Disorder Awareness Week!" is wrong because, you know, there's nothing happy about eating disorders. But I think this week is important and I don't think something needs to be happy to be important.

So I want to begin with the most important part of this blog and this is that: Eating disorders are not a choice. They are not a trend. They are not cool. They are not beautiful. In fact, I made a YouTube video regarding this. If you'd like to check it out, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhDAxjhcMZQ

Eating disorders are any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits. Nobody wakes up one day and says "Wow, I think anorexia sounds like a great idea. Maybe I should try it!" No. That's not how it works. It works like this: We want to be thin. We think we're not good enough because of our weight. We feel like outcasts.

We all do it for perfection. Some of us to it to melt the mistakes off of us. The less I weigh, the less space I take up. Invisibility... that's what a lot of us aim for.

The thing about eating disorders is they usually start out by watching what you eat. Maybe going to the gym once or twice a week. You set a goal for yourself to lose a certain amount of weight. The thing is, if you hit that goal weight, you're going to set another goal. And it's going to be lower. And you will not be happy until you reach zero. And I can promise you this: You will die before you hit zero.

Anorexia is the fear of gaining weight. People who are anorexic often see a distorted image of his or herself in the mirror. We often find ourselves thinking far too much about calories and food and how much time will have to be spent in the gym to burn off the lunch we just ate. We lie about how much we eat to make sure others don't worry. A lot of us track our calories. We do this because we want control. We want power over ourselves.

Bulimia is a cycle of binging and purging. This means people who are bulimic try not to eat for as long as possible and/or have a strict menu. But that can't last forever. And when the urge to eat finally becomes too much, they binge- meaning, they eat too much. And then they throw as much of that food up as possible. Then, the cycle begins again.


Now, let's talk about some of the consequences of eating disorders.

Anorexia

• Hair loss
• Slow heart rate and blood pressure (risk of heart failure because of this aka death)
• Severe dehydration (risk of kidney failure)
• Dry hair and skin
• Bad memory
• Fainting
• Anemia
• Fatigue
• Kidney stones
• Skin bruises easily
• Bloating
• Weak muscles

Bulimia

• Anemia
• Irregular heartbeat
• Heart failure
• Dehydration
• Bloating
• For girls: Irregular or absent period
• Dry skin
• Cavities 
• Fatigue
• Gum disease
• Sore/Irritated throat
• Dizziness

With all these consequences of eating disorders, don't you dare tell me they're beautiful.

In America alone 30 million people suffer from eating disorders and, believe it or not, 10 million of these people are guys. Yes, boys suffer from these issues too. Don't write them off as not being affected.

This week, I'm asking you to try and learn more about eating disorders. Research the symptoms so that you'll be aware if someone you know starts to act funny around you. Be aware. Support those you know who have an eating disorder and do your best to understand what they're going through.

Another thing to always keep in mind is that eating disorders are something that sticks with the person suffering for a lifetime. Yes, we may have gone through recovery; however, the disease stays with us forever. We simply get stronger.

And if you're someone who is currently really struggling with an eating disorder, I need you to know that it will get better. I know you've heard that a lot and you think it's a lie but I promise it gets better. I promise. But you've got to want to get better. Believe that you are more than your eating disorder and that good things lie ahead of this.

You are more than the number on the scale. You are beautiful and strong and important. You matter. 

Stay strong. I love you. I hope you all go out and make a difference this week.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Dealing with Heartbreak

After your heart's been broken, you feel just that: broken. You feel like life will never go on and you'll never wake up feeling happy again. You've heard there's light at the end of the tunnel but you do not see it. In fact, you guess that perhaps someone built a large brick wall right in the middle of the tunnel to keep you trapped in the black oblivion forever, never to feel the sun's brilliant warmth on your cheeks again.

Although you feel shattered like a fragile mirror tossed to the pavement, you must know that mirrors can be put back together again and so can you. Similar to a glued-back-together mirror, though, there will be cracks, signalling that you are not the same as before. Do not worry. Eventually, you will stare into that mirror so much, every single day, that you'll no longer even think about the cracks.

People will say it gets better. But this is not what you want to hear. You want to hear he's coming back for you. Please understand that that is a fantasy. And that story is over. So when people tell you that everything will get easier as life continues on, do not be frustrated. Trust that they've been through this before and that they are being honest.

Because it is true: it does get better. At first, the pain will be so intense that it will feel like a scolding hot curling iron pressing into your skin with no relief. At first, you will feel as though you're drowning at sea. But soon you will float. And later you will swim. Do not swim in circles. Swim back to shore.

When the time comes, he will find a new girl to share his life with. Do not hate him for doing this. He has to move on just as you do. Do not hate the new girl either. Trust that they deserve each other and that you deserve better than him.

As the stars begin to reveal themselves at night, you cannot let yourself think too much. Do not list off things you think you should've done differently. Do not wonder if he misses you too. Instead, think of a goal for tomorrow. Achieve something. Be proud of yourself. Because you can only cry yourself to sleep so many times before you run out of tears. Go to sleep peacefully and float into a peaceful darkness. Not a scary one.

You will be okay without him. You will continue life without him. You do not need him in order to be happy.

Now you know you shouldn't have let your happiness depend on him. Do not place your happiness in someone's palm ever again. That person can only hold their hand open for so long before clamping it shut into a fist.

Be your own hero. You can never count on anyone else to save you because you can't even count on them to stick around.

Oh, and P.S.: I know you loved him. You really, really loved him with all of your heart. I know you would've done anything for him. But keep in mind that while you lost someone who didn't love you- he lost someone who did love him... And truly, I believe him to be in the worst position.

Stay strong my beautiful, heartbroken friends,

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

What Are You So Afraid Of?

In the past, when people asked me what I was afraid of, I gave a really common answer. I would tell them that I was deathly afraid of spiders and snakes and heights. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of spiders or snakes. (I don't mind heights, to be honest.) But spiders and snakes are not my worst fears anymore.

What am I afraid of now?

I'm afraid that the guy I like might like me back -even just a tiny bit. And I'm afraid of this because my fear of rejection is holding me back from telling him that I've been crushing on him for awhile now.

I'm afraid that I don't tell my family I love them enough. I'm afraid that because of this, they don't realize how much I appreciate them.

I'm afraid of not being pretty enough. I'm afraid that because of this fear, I might go back to unhealthy eating habits.

I'm afraid that my depression might get too out of hand one day. And I'm afraid I might make a big mistake.

I am afraid that I am wasting my teenage years away. By age 16, Taylor Swift had released her first album. And the most I've done since turning 16 is fly alone on a plane.

I'm afraid that I'm missing out on opportunities, such as hanging out with people, because I'm scared that my social anxiety will cause me to have a panic attack in public.

I'm afraid that when I'm older (if I live to be "older") I will regret stressing too much as a high-schooler.

I'm afraid that I serve no purpose. I'm afraid that I'm not helping enough people. I'm afraid that I'm passing people in the hallways every day that need a friend- and I'm not there for them.

But living in fear isn't going to get me anywhere.

I think that telling the boy I like is a good idea. If he likes me, then... Well, that's good. And if he doesn't like me... Well, he's a senior and so nobody will remember him rejecting me once he graduates.

I think I'm going to start telling my family how much I love them. I'm going to do this when we're hanging up on the phone; when I'm leaving their house; when they're leaving my house; when they achieve something; and when they do small favors for me.

I think I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I am who I am and I cannot change the body I was given. Since I dislike the way I look, the most I can do is eat healthier and work out more. And I am fully capable of doing those things.

I think I'm going to have to stop wasting my life away in my room. I'm going to have to forget about the anxiety. I'm going to have to forget about the depression. I'm going to have to deal with the fact that suicide will never be the answer. And so I'm going to have to start looking for colleges to go to.

Now you know my greatest fears. And now you know that I will get through them and I will be okay.

So, my question to you is this: What are you so afraid of?

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

A Year In The Life (2013)

As 2013 reaches its finale, I keep reminiscing over this year. A lot's happened. A lot's changed. And so I'm going to use the method of going month-by-month to sum all of it up.


2013

January: I moved to Washington on January 5th. When school started up, I was the new kid. I was friendly with a lot of people in my classes but I didn't have any real friends. It was definitely hard to be away from family back home, too. Then I got involved in this amazing youth group called Young Life. I started to meet more people but by the end of January, I was still left with acquaintances.

February: I went home to Michigan. On my first day back, I was cyberbullied by my ex and all his friends. (I wrote a blogpost about that. Don't worry. Everything worked out in my favor.) When I came back, I was absolutely torn apart and ready to give up. But I didn't.

March: I started up my beauty channel on YouTube (aka the best decision of my life). I adore being a beauty guru. YouTube makes me happy and I love using my free time to make videos. March was a good month.

April: I went to Forks, Port Angeles and La Push. Since I was a die-hard Twilight fan in middle school, this was actually pretty crazy. (I think I wrote a blog post on this vacation.) I got pictures by the Forks sign and the beach and everything was just perfect.

May: I LITERALLY REMEMBER NOTHING FROM MAY I'M SORRY

June: The second school was released, I went home to Michigan. I spent a little while there. While I was home, I met my best friend in person, Anna. :) Being home was better this time, compared to February, because I knew who I wanted to see and who I wanted to avoid.

July: I spent the majority of July traveling around Europe with my cousin, Haley. (Link to all my Europe vlogs is: youtube.com/JordanWinansVlogs.) It was the best summer of my life and I still can't believe I got to go to all these amazing countries and cities. Stepping foot into London was unbelievable. I never thought I'd be able to go there and being there was utterly surreal. (Also, I turned 16 in a castle in southern Germany so that was cool.) Once I was back in Michigan, a bus took a bunch of people and me down to Indiana for the weekend to a convention for a program I'm in. There, I performed an original song in front of 300+ people (you can see the performance at youtube.com/JordanWinansMusic) and made friends that'll be around for a lifetime. Leaving Indiana was even harder than leaving Germany.

August: I came back to Washington. This month consisted of lots of back-to-school preparations and finishing summer projects. Nothing too special.

September: I went to my junior homecoming with choir kids! It was the best homecoming ever! (You can check out how I got ready for it at youtube.com/JordanWinansBeauty and my homecoming experience at youtube.com/JordanWinansVlogs). As school started up, I began to make lots of real friends. First of all, I became an assistant for my school's dance team. I do their makeup and videotape them. It's so much fun. So in September I met all the dancers (there's 27 altogether) and started creating friendships with them. Another way I began to make friends was through normal classes at school. I started making an effort to talk to people. Things were looking up in September.

October: In October, I went to my first haunted house. IT WAS HORRIBLE. That's pretty much October summed up. (Sorry.)

November: My grandma and great-grandpa visited for Thanksgiving. Seeing them in Washington was phenomenal. I love them so much. We went to the space needle, too, which was fantastic. (You can check that experience out at youtube.com/JordanWinansVlogs.) The worst part of November was when they went back home to Michigan.

December: Well, here we are in December. Christmas was good. Winter break is going alright. I've started watching American Horror Story (currently on the 2nd season). And that's that.

Between all these moments, there were things happening with me. It's no secret that I struggle from depression and anxiety and whatever else blah blah blah. The point is, I'm still here. I stuck it out. I've stuck around. And I'm here to tell you that whatever you're going through- it'll get better. I believe in you. I love you. And it gets better.

Here's to loving ourselves better next year.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

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