ALIVE AND HAPPY

WOW IT IS ALMOST THE END OF 2014 AND A LOT HAS CHANGED

Most of my blog posts are sad because I am usually a sad person. BUT YAY I HAVE A HAPPY POST FOR YOU TODAY!

So it's Christmas Eve right now and my mind has been going crazy all day. I just can't stop thinking about everything I'm grateful for. SO I'M GONNA WRITE ABOUT IT.

1.) FIRST OF ALL (you can tell I'm happy because I keep using caps), I am so grateful for all the new friends I've made recently! Because of one silly little Twitter account, my friend group has grown exponentially since the beginning of November. These girls (most of which are from the greater-Seattle area) have become some of my best friends. I am so blessed to  have them in my life. (Quick shoutout to Ashley, Liv, Olivia, Leilee, Lauralai, Hannah, Jordon, Jordan, Lily, Kenz, Logan and Taylor. Love all of you so much!)

2.) I am grateful for my puppy. Four years ago today, I received him as a Christmas gift. No other gift will ever amount to him. My love for Brady is unreal. I'm so very happy that I've stuck around to see him get older.

3.) I am thankful that I moved to Washington. I don't know if you believe in a Higher Power, but I do. And I think He/She/It really took care of me by moving me across the country.

4.) I am thankful to be apart of the dance team at my school. Because of it, I have a wonderful new family. These girls are bright, intelligent, talented, creative, lovely, and kind. I would take a bullet for any of them without hesitation. They keep me going on days where I don't want to go anymore. AND NOT ONLY AM I GRATEFUL FOR THE GIRLS, I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE EXPERIENCE. This team has done so much more for me than just giving me some makeup practice. They've taught me patience and understanding and a hell of a lot about dance. Plus, the trips I take with this team are ones I'll remember forever... Like the trip we'll be off on in 2 AND A HALF DAYS TO DISNEY/UNIVERSAL WITH THE BAND AND COLORGUARD! I am thankful for the opportunity to go when I was sure I wasn't going to be able to.

5.) I am grateful for all the times I've gotten to travel. I've been to Japan, Scotland, England, France, Germany, Michigan, Washington, Mexico, Florida, Canada, Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, California, Massachusetts, and probably more places that I'll remember later. The world is so big and so wonderful and I plan on seeing more of it.

6.) I am thankful for people like my sister and my cousins. They give me reasons to stick around. I don't want to miss out on anything. I want to see them grow up. I want to be around for that.

7.) I'm grateful for all the concerts I've been to. I'm grateful for all the bands I'm in love with. There's nothing quite like music to calm you down on bad days.

8.) I'm thankful for YouTube. The friendships it has brought me are incredible and the fact that I've gotten to travel and meet awesome people because of it is so insane... It blows my mind.

9.) I'm grateful for all my friends back home and around the country/world... But I'm also grateful for my friends right here in Washington. These people have seen what a mess I am and they have stuck around. A few years ago, I could count the people I considered real friends on one hand but now... I mean, wow. I have too many friends. More than I could've ever asked for. More than I deserve. Like, I considered listing them all in this post, but the amount of names I would've typed out... It would've taken forever. I love you guys. I'd do anything for you. You know who you are. I love you. Thank you for keeping me going. You rock.

10.) I am thankful for my mind. The way I think is very different from anyone else that I've ever met. I've learned to question all kinds of things that people never question. It's fascinating. Question everything. If that's one thing you take away from this blog post, take away that: Question everything. And don't take some snobby adult's answer of "because I said so" as a real answer.

OKAY WOW I'M GONNA STOP THERE BECAUSE I COULD GO ON FOREVER BUT TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS AND I WANT TO SLEEP NOW.

Please know that I was a mess. For years. I've had more labels slapped on me than a soup can. But I'm getting better. I really am. And I just really want you to know that it gets better. Please listen to me when I say that. Like... you really don't get how bad I was. I was really, really bad, guys. I don't want to go into details because I don't want to make the ending of this depressing. But I was bad. I'm getting better now. It took 17.5 years, but hey. Better late than never.

My life is never what I would've expected it to be... But it's wonderful.

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE. I LOVE MY LIFE. THINGS ARE GOING TO BE OKAY AND I AM GOING TO GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL AND CONTINUE LIVING AND WRITE A LOT AND MAKE MORE FRIENDS AND GO ON ADVENTURES.

Because I've just kinda decided to live. And it's gonna be rad.

Lots of love sent from me to you this holiday season! Cheers. xx

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

10 Wonderful Things A Horrible Person Taught Me

Let me tell you about a few things I've learned over the past few... 17ish... years of my life. There was was is this one person who did a very good job of teaching me some lessons. I don't particularly like this person. But one thing is for certain: he/she I won't specify a gender for the sake of his/her anonymity has left some thoughts in my brain that will last a life time. (There will be swear words in this post. I think you can probably handle it.)

1. When you call someone a name, no matter how young this person may be even if she can't multiply or divide yet, that person will absolutely remember it for the rest of her life. The names will infect her like a disease and she will think that "bitch" and "c***" and "lazy" and "useless" are accurate ways to describe herself. She will write them down in poems and cry herself to sleep more often than not. She will recall all these horrific names as she's having her third panic attack of the week in school after a flashback has occurred. She will have to explain to all of her teachers in high school that she's just a little off and needs to step outside of the room most days.

2. Making fun of a person's mental illnesses is never okay. Especially if you're someone that played a major role in the creation of said illnesses. Laughing at how someone sometimes can't get through a full day of school or can't focus or do anything right will never get her or you anywhere. She is trying to forget all the awful memories you gave her but most days, they are too much. They are the weight of the world and Jupiter and Saturn and the moon.

3. Making fun of someone's weight only proves how insecure you are about yourself. The number on the scale tells you your proportion to gravity. That's it. That stupid number won't tell you your self-worth. Or how many lives you've saved. Or how many moments you've laughed. Or how many days you stayed strong when you wanted to quit. That stupid number won't tell you how brave you are or how beautiful you are or how worth it you are.

4. If you are larger than someone and you use that to your advantage to physically intimidate him/her, then you are a disgusting human creature.

5. If you don't like a religion, DON'T PRACTICE IT. IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM WILL YOU BASHING ON HER RELIGION MAKE HER CHANGE HER MIND OR LOVE YOU ANY MORE. For example, I'm a Christian. My best friend in an athiest. I respect her. She respects me. We agree that there are endless possibilities, but we believe what we believe and that's that. Which is how it should be.

6. Don't get married or have kids or be apart of anything, really, until you're completely comfortable with yourself. You can't be a piece of something and expect it to be whole if you yourself are not, in fact, whole.

7. Alcohol will halt your kindness before it halts your heart.

8. Switching addictions is like switching seats on the Titanic.

9. Living in the past will break your heart.

10. Denial will tear you up into pieces so tiny that you won't be visible to the human eye. You will be dust. Invisible. Nothing. Own up to what you've done.


So there you have it. 10 wonderful things I learned from a not-so-wonderful person. But life goes on and I'll take these lessons with me. Now I know exactly who I don't want to be.

I will be better.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Falling In Love or Falling Apart

They say you only write when you are falling in love or falling apart. Recently, I haven't been doing either.

Life, more often that not, is a roller coaster. Hills and mountains. Either something going insanely wrong or wonderfully right. But my life has been like a kiddie ride this past month or so, with no real dips or curves. Meaning nothing major has really happened that's inspired me to write.

Writer's block. No motivation to write. No ideas to share. Nothing to really say.

But in times like these, when I am not writing, I am thinking. So I've been quieter than normal. Just because my mouth is not moving does not mean the same for my thoughts... which isn't so bad. There are times in our lives when we must speak. When we need to tell our story or give advice or participate. And there are times in our lives when we just really need to listen. I think I'm going through a listening phase right now.

I've been telling my story for years. Perhaps I'm just tired of hearing it. I keep repeating the same thing and looking for a different way to tell it. Like I'm hoping for a different ending or something. Like I'm hoping to have learned another lesson somewhere along the way that I won't be able to remember until I mention it aloud. But that isn't the case.

So I've been thinking. And that leads to worrying. And worrying is silly because it's useless. But it's been happening anyway. I've been thinking about graduating and college and my friends in other parts of the country and my past and the mistakes I've made and the mistakes I might be making at this very moment and music and my dreams and more than I could ever write down. Maybe that's part of my writer's block. My thoughts move faster than my hand does and I get frustrated that my muscles can't keep up with what I want to get down in words.

So I'll just keep on listening, I suppose. Maybe I'll learn something cool. Like patience or something else I don't know how to do. Maybe I'll hear someone's story and be motivated to write about it. Until then, I'll stay in my quiet little world.

And this blog post was random and had no point but it is what it is. I guess you're only supposed to write when you're falling in love or falling apart.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

WHEN

I wrote this for my creative writing class and decided to share it on here. Our assignment was to write about our names. So here it goes.

                When I was born, “Jordan” stood for beauty.  The beauty of a newborn.  The beauty of hope for a new life.  The possibilities are endless for someone whose life had only begun moments ago.  This baby might’ve been all kinds of things.  Perhaps Jordan would be a movie star; an engineer; a professional athlete; a designer.  Maybe Jordan would end up having bright blue eyes like her mom and gorgeous, wavy locks of hair that were as dark as midnight.  But after I was taken home from the hospital, no one thought of those things.  Because “Jordan” had a new meaning.  This Jordan that they brought home would scream and fuss and be annoying.  Between changing endless diapers and feedings in the middle of the night, there was no time to think of beauty.

                When I started school, “Jordan” meant shy and terrified.  I would cry and scream when my mother left me.  I hated strangers.  I wasn’t good with new people.  The teachers shushed me and promised a day of fun activities and learning.  Eventually, I would calm down.  Except for this one time when I actually made myself so sick from crying that I threw up.  The principal of my preschool called my   mom and sent me home.  I continued to be this intimidated, scared girl throughout kindergarten as well.  I refused to even smile for pictures.  Mrs. Mosher sent my report card home with 3s and 4s and a comment that said: “Jordan is one of the smartest students in my class.  I’ve just never seen her smile.”

                When I got to middle school, “Jordan” meant intelligent and friendly.   Just not friendly enough to be friends with the popular kids.  I worked hard and got all A’s all three years because that was the only way I knew to make my parents proud.  When I wasn’t acing my classes, I was doing my best to weasel my way into the popular crowd.  I changed my style of clothes and began to talk more.  I stopped hiding behind books and graphic tees and found myself dating one of the football players.

                When two and a half years had passed, “Jordan” meant depressed and lonely and breakdowns every five minutes.  The football player left and his friends were mean.  I dropped by school once a week to grab my work.  I stayed home where the words and perfectly manicured hands could not reach me.  This Jordan could also be known as pathetically hopeful.  Little did she know that just because you date someone for 2 and a half years does not mean they are your soulmate or that you belong together.

                When it was January of 2013, “Jordan” meant hope.  Hope for new adventures; hope that life would be better; hope that I could get away from a specific person in my family.  It was in the middle of my sophomore year that I moved with my mom and sister to Washington- 2,371 miles from my hometown of Waterford, Michigan.   I started at a school that had five buildings and sixteen portables.  There was an entire building dedicated to fine arts and two dedicated to sports.  The other buildings were several stories and long hallways filled with opportunities.  2,000 shiny new people wandered the school.  I kept my head down and waited for someone to say hi.

                It is now within the first month of my senior year and “Jordan” has a definition that has never been heard before.  Now, my name radiates bravery.  It waves to people in the hallway and holds doors open for strangers.  “Jordan” is a story of courage and kindness.  My name is strong enough to get up every morning to go to school and it compliments people who seem to be having a rough day.  “Jordan” is the name of someone who did not quit and is going to survive and go to school thousands of miles away from here and is going to be happy and write a lot and play guitar and sing about how love doesn’t always work out but it’s okay because everything happens for a reason.  “Jordan” is the motivational speeches I give and the anonymous accounts I have online to stop suicide.  It is the older sister protecting the younger.

It is the story of change; of beauty, and intelligence, friendliness, hope, and bravery.   “Jordan” is the story of a girl who had the world figured out by age ten but still believed that it could be a wonderful place.  And although every website says the definition of my name is “to descend” or “to flow down” like the river that runs between the countries of Jordan and Israel, I disagree.  My name means a whole lot more than to be like a river.  My name is a story.  A story that isn’t over just quite yet.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Be Brave

You know how sometimes you read a book or watch a movie and it really impacts the way you think? Divergent was like that for me. If you don't know anything about it, Divergent is a sci-fi in which a society has 5 factions. Each faction puts one specific character trait over everything else.

The Erudite admire intelligence.
Abnegation - selflessness.
Amity - peacefulness.
Candor - honesty.
Dauntless - bravery.

So, with me being an obsessed fan an all- I've of course taken plenty of quizzes to see which faction I belong to and I can happily tell you that I'm Dauntless.

The topic of this blog is so random. Like, who even cares about Divergent? But I had a dream about it last night and it got me thinking.


I grew up being anything but brave. Thankfully, things have changed.

It is brave to hang out with people you haven't before.

(They just might end up being awesome & there's a huge possibility that you'll form a group with

the 7 of you.)

It's brave to jump of docks into freezing water.

(You might regret not doing it, so just jump.)

It is brave to not worry about heights.

(Seeing the world from a new point of view is a good thing.)

It is brave to be adventurous.

(You just might end up finding something cool like a waterfall.)

It is brave to be social even if you don't want to.

(Surprisingly, you might end up laughing a lot.)

It is brave to make last-minute trips.

(Live life spontaneously. It's more fun that way.)

It's brave to travel by yourself to do things you love.

(You'll never regret doing something wonderful for yourself.)

It's brave to make friends everywhere you go.

(Even on YouTube.)

It's brave to stand up for what you believe in.

(Even if lots of people disagree.)

It's brave to grow as a person in small ways. Large leaps begin with small steps.

(Like when you were 5 and refused to smile in front of a camera, but now are taking senior pictures.)

It's brave to perform your talents in front of people even if you aren't prepared.

(It just might make someone smile.)

It's brave to finally accomplish something you've wanted to do since you were a kid.

(Like play with sparklers.)

It's brave to try new things.

(Like skateboarding. You just might love it.)

YOU MISS OUT ON SO MUCH WHEN YOU'RE SHY. 

BE CONFIDENT.

IT IS BRAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF AND SPEAK UP AND BE OUTGOING.

BE BRAVE. 

(You won't regret it.)

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

P.S. All of these photos were taken during summer vacation 2014.

It's A Good Life

Like every other teenage girl in the world, I saw The Fault in Our Stars last weekend. (Twice.) Of course, I've also read the book several times; yet, I still cried as though I didn't expect what the ending would be. 

I won't spoil anything for those of you who have not seen or read TFIOS yet, by the way. I'm just going to talk about a wonderful quote from it that inspired me to write this blog. :)

TFIOS is possibly even more quotable than Mean Girls or Elf. The author of the brilliant novel, John Green, is one of the most talented writers I've ever been introduced to. (Plus, he's a YouTuber so that automatically makes him awesome.) The book is about two teenagers named Hazel Grace Lancaster and Augustus Waters. Both of these main characters suffer/suffered from types of cancer. The story is all about their struggles and how they fall in love.

There is one quote amongst all the others, though, that I noticed when watching the movie. It's not a big quote. I'm not sure if a lot of people even really took notice to it. 

Augustus says it when he and Hazel Grace are at a park one day. Cancer, in this part of the story, is causing some serious issues and Gus just looks at her and says: "It's a good life, Hazel Grace."

Like I said, it's not a big, long quote. Just a few words, in fact. But I've been repeating them in my head now for almost a week and this is why: If a teenage boy who is dealing with cancer and all that comes along with it including loss of limbs and not being able to function properly can say that life is good... Well, I think that's incredible. 

I've talked about struggles that I've gone through and I know that you've been through hard things too. Everyone goes through tough battles. But I've just been thinking that this boy- although (unfortunately) fictional- and this quote he says. Yes, things happen. Bad, terrible things. But life has some pretty cool things too.

For one thing, I don't have cancer. I also have a really comfy bed and a TV in my room. I own 2 guitars, a ukulele, a keyboard, and, although it's not a good one, I do own a laptop. I live in a place where trees are like skyscrapers and the ocean is only minutes away. I get to see the sun set behind the mountains every night. It is so easy for me to just spend the day in a cool place like the University of Washington or Seattle. I've gotten to travel the world. I've been lucky enough to visit Japan, Mexico, Scotland & England, France, Germany,  and Canada. I've traveled through Michigan, Ohio, Massachusetts, Florida, Oregon, California, Kentucky, Indiana and Washington. I've seen glimpses of the world and it's beautiful.

I have friends that I can text any time. I have a wonderful dance team. I'm involved in an awesome youth group. I've seen an unbelievable amount of people in concert. I get to see One Direction, 5 Seconds of Summer, and Ed Sheeran all within a 5 day timespan this August. I get to have my senior pictures taken by the best photographer in the Seattle area in July. 

I have the opportunity to go out-of-state or out-of-country for college. That's amazing. I'm going to get to see even more of the world! The places I could go are endless. 

So yes, I've been through some really awful stuff that kids shouldn't have to deal with. But what are you gonna do? Although that stuff happened, some really cool things happened too.

After 11:15 tomorrow, I will be considered a senior. I have one year left in Washington before I take off on new adventures. This is my last year of high school. I plan to make the most of it.

It's a good life.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Out Of Place

It seems so weird to stand in a room with lots of people and feel really alone.

Last January, I moved to Washington. Since I've been here for over a year, you'd think that I'd stop considering myself to be "the new girl" still. But there's so much that happened before I got here that I missed out on. All of these people went to elementary and middle school together. They have stories of birthday parties and inside jokes about old teachers. These people I go to school with have had some opportunities that I haven't. And although almost everyone at my school is kind and welcoming, there are still moments when I feel out of place.

I've been really struggling with lots of things for awhile now and have therefore become just as antisocial as I used to be, taking a hundred steps backwards. I can't tell you the last time I asked a friend to hang out instead of staying home by myself. And having this social anxiety doesn't mean I hate people because I don't. I love people. It's just that the idea of going out sounds a lot less fantastic than just staying home and writing.

For the past couple of weeks I helped out with makeup for a musical. We all know I adore doing makeup, but forcing myself to show up to this musical several times a week was sort of out of my comfort zone even though I hardly did anything. 

I think maybe the reason I feel so awkward around everyone is because I feel as though I've just invaded everyone's lives. Like, nobody asked me to move to Kamiak. Nobody asked me to eat lunch in his/her space. Nobody asked for me to try and be his/her friend. Yet here I am, in everyone's way.

The reason I'm writing this blog now and not a few months ago is because last night, I was social. I went to a party that the entire musical cast was invited to. The crew, techies, pit and directors were there as well. Before getting in the car to go the party, I had half a mind to just walk home, but my friends convinced me that nothing bad would happen and I'd regret not going. 

Even though one of the directors invited me to the party, I cannot even begin to describe how out of place I felt. I walked into that house with shaking hands and a racing heart. I was just waiting for someone to ask me to leave. I looked at a few of my friends and just kept saying "I don't belong here." 

And I know this all seems silly. Going to a party with not only a bunch of your friends but with awesome teachers shouldn't be such a big deal. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't seem to handle it. If it hadn't been for my one friend who asked people to make room for me where we were all sitting, I think my anxiety would have made me leave and walk home.

Sometimes I wonder if I can still do this. It can be really exhausting being this anxious all the time. Most days, I have an internal battle with myself before even heading to where I sit for lunch because I'm afraid people don't want me there but are too kind to say so. 

Sometimes I wonder if I should've done homeschooling. 

Sometimes I feel like I might explode.

Everyone here is so nice, but I don't fit in. 

And of course I don't want anyone to read this and think that giving into your disorder is okay because I know it isn't. And I'd like to be a role model for people who are struggling. Maybe I'm just going through a rough patch and need to blog it out.

It's just a constant war inside my mind and I can't tell which part of me is winning and which is losing.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan