The 8 Of Us

I was thinking the other day... I have quite a lot of friends here in Washington. How did I meet them all? How did we become friends? How did I get so lucky?

So here is a blog post that I will section into 2 parts, explaining and remembering 7 specifically wonderful friendships I have. It's a cool little family we've got.

Part I: How the Group... Well, Grouped.

So my sophomore year, right when I moved here, I was placed in an English class with a teacher named Ms. Noonan. Ms. Noonan was not only a teacher, but the coach of the Kamiak Dulcineas Dance Team. Super competitive. Tons of girls. Terrifying. But when Ms. Noonan came up to me that spring and asked if I wanted to be apart of the team, how could I say no? She said it would be time-consuming, but where else did I need to spend my time? Nowhere. I was new. I didn't know anyone.

So I became an assistant for the team. We were like a family. But even though everyone was kind and welcoming, meeting almost 30 girls who at least know a couple other people on the team was super intimidating. This one girl reached out to me. Her name was Annastacia.

 

We had science together which, of course, gave us more time to bond than if we'd only had dance together. 

She invited me over for a sleepover. It was the first one I'd been to in forever. I still don't really sleep over at a lot of  peoples' houses... just those I feel really comfortable with. And we watched Thor and World War Z and ate pizza and wore glow sticks. It was great.

The more I hung around Anna, the more I started to get to know her other friends. By Halloween, I was lucky enough to know Anjelica pretty well.

By the time spring came around, I normally went straight to Annastacia when I wanted someone to go somewhere with me. This is when she came with me to a movie premiere that people from our school starred in!

One of the coolest things that I got to do my junior year with Annastacia was go to Victoria. Our dance team went for the weekend and it was definitely very cool travelling with her.

So the last day of junior year finally came. Annastacia and I agreed that we totally wanted to burn our (specifically chemistry) homework. We invited Anjelica and then Anna told me she was also going to invite people I'd met briefly before.

We hung out and it was cool. They made me feel welcome even though the guys didn't know anything about me. They didn't make me feel anxious or like I was an outcast. It was a really incredible feeling that -to this day- makes me smile when I think about it.

And so that was it. That was our great and wonderful beginning. Just the 6 of us. The Six Seniors. We decided that night that we would be a group and we would take on our last year of high school together. Honestly, I wasn't sure at the time if that promise of long-lasting friendship would last or not. I'm glad it did.

And so our adventures began. We did what we could to meet up with the whole group (which was really damn hard with six people). Even just spending the day outside on trails in the community was better with them.

Now of course there were times when some people in the group were busy. But those of us that were not would stick together. Here, 3 of us went to a family friend's house for the 4th of July. We took what the night gave us and ran with it.

Including singing/playing guitar badly in front of people we knew we would never see again. They made me brave and silly. And I am thankful for that.

Sometimes we would do random things like decide to go to a playground. It was summer and there weren't exactly a whole lot of worries. What better thing to do than act like kids?

In July, we had a family dinner (courtesy of Manny's real family) for Annastacia's 17th birthday. We grabbed whatever and ate on the ground and crouched around a table. It was unorthodox and crazy and perfect. And I felt like I was home.

Summer passed. I was in Michigan. Anna was in Japan. And by the time we were all back, it was time for our senior year to begin.

And a month or two after school started back up again, we had  a new member in the group. Sabrina rocks. Like a lot.

Alone, I could never take on a football game. I would get way too anxious and not have any fun. But with these guys, I genuinely enjoyed myself. They made me feel like a normal teenager.

For Halloween, most of us dressed up (shout out to Ben for not being in the photo). The four of us girls decided to be characters from Alice in Wonderland. The boys were lame and did their own things.

The dance team does this thing each year where we pretty much run a restaurant from inside our school. My junior year, it stressed me out so bad that I fainted. Yep. Just passed out in the school. But this year was different. I had a team of girls I knew I could count on and go to if I was really feeling bad or anxious. But I didn't feel any of those things. I had fun. Like I was supposed to.

One of my favorite things about having 4 girls in the group is that twin day becomes quadruplet day. Coolest thing ever.

We even celebrated Christmas together.

The day of our Secret Santa/Christmas party, another member was added: Keoni! The numbers of genders were even again. (And look how nicely it worked out for this stair picture. Perfection.) Keoni ended up being just another one of us and I'm very thankful that he's in the group.

One of my favorite things about this night was trying to fit everyone (plus Anjelica's boyfriend - hi, Tanner!) into a selfie. You actually have to stretch your hand so far. Harder than it looks.

This was the night that it really hit me how lucky I was. Having this tight of a group isn't normal. Having 7 people you can count on no matter what? I was so grateful. So much had changed since I first arrived in Washington. I still can't believe that I went from knowing nobody to having all of these phenomenal people in my life.

Just after Christmas, Annastacia and I headed to Florida! Together we took on Disney World and the time we spent there... Probably one of the happiest times of my life. (Also, shout out to Anna for sharing a bed with me in Florida and dealing with me being an insomniac!)

And not only did we get to go to Disney World. We got to go to Universal Studios too! 

Which of course meant that she had to see me freak out and cry over Harry Potter. Sorry, Anna.

Once back home, it wasn't long before Michael had a performance (in which he totally rocked out to some JoBros). It was the coolest feeling going to the concert and really supporting someone. The pride you feel when someone you love does something great is really incredible.

It was definitely awesome to have the guys come support us girls at Districts. The dance team hosts it at Kamiak each year and while watching my team perform was wonderful, having most of the group together again was probably the highlight of that day.

The dance team went to state and WOW was I proud of them. Annastacia, Sabrina and Anjelica danced their hearts out and I just sat there for a while thinking about how blessed I was to be surrounded by such talent.

And now here we are! May has come. Prom is soon. I'm really excited because the 8 of us are in the same group. So while the stress of school dances can be scary, I know I'll be able to handle it because I'll be with them.

Soon we'll be graduating and heading in different directions. And as sad as I am that we only got one year together, I know how lucky I am. Seriously. I wouldn't trade these friendships for anything. This group rocks. And I love them with everything in me.

Part II: Meeting For the First Time

Okay, time for the 2nd part. Brief recap of how I met everyone. My memories here aren't super together so I thought I'd try to write down what I do remember before I forget it all.

ANNA

So I've pretty much talked about how Anna and I met so let's talk about some other stuff. Like how she went with me to the Seattle Gay Pride Parade. Or how we always tend to see movies together. Or how we have almost all of our classes together. Or how we both love to do weird stuff to our hair. Or how she's fantastic and I know I can talk to her about anything. To sum up Anna: she's perfect. She dances perfectly; her hair is perfect; her attitude is perfect; her clothes are perfect... I could continue to list things that are perfect about her but... well, it's actually just everything.

BEN

The cool thing about Ben is that when you first meet him, he comes off as quiet. It's so weird because Ben's actually one of the funniest people ever. The first time we ever really talked was at the bonfire and we just clicked. I didn't feel awkward with him or like he was judging me. I just remember coming to the bonfire that night, thinking Ben was going to hate me, and then when we ended up getting along, it was really, really cool.

ANJELICA

THIS IS OUR FIRST SELFIE TOGETHER. Anjelica and I had talked a little bit in dance but not much. When the time came for Kamiak's first home football game of the season, the team had to show up because we performed at half-time. Because I was so excited about it being my first game, I made a point to take a picture with each girl on the team. Anjelica was standing by herself and I was totally intimidated but I told myself: "You need to get a picture with everyone." So in the moment of my need for photographs, I went up to her and asked if we could get a photo. We talked and she was sweet and funny... and after that, I just felt very comfortable around her.

MANNY

Manny and I didn't talk till the bonfire, but we had had one class together before that we'd never talked in. It was Visual Communications  and I just stuck with my partner for the whole class because I knew her from the dance team and I was the only one she knew too. Once Manny and I started talking at the bonfire, though, we mentioned how we'd been in the same class. From there our friendship just took off. Manny's probably the easiest person ever to talk to. And it makes me wish we'd started talking in the class we'd had together. :( But I think everything happens for a reason, and I'm just glad we're such good friends now.

SABRINA

So I have no idea when we first started talking. Obviously, Sabrina and I met through dance team. But when we first really became friends? Who knows. What really brought us closer together this year was having the same lunch! Spending my lunch with Sabrina and Annastacia each day is something I thoroughly look forward to. Sabrina's one of those people who never fails to make you laugh. In reality, I don't think she has any negative qualities. My favorite thing about Sabrina is that her kindness radiates off of her. She's someone that you want to be friends with because it's very clear that she's trustworthy and just completely lovely.

KEONI

I met Keoni the day of our Christmas party. I was a little scared to meet him because he was practically already apart of the group and I was worried that when he met me in real life he might not like me. He ended up being one of the least judgmental people I've ever met. Keoni's friendly, easy to talk to, and an absolutely amazing photographer. Like seriously. Book him for shoots. Get on that. It's funny how at first I was nervous that he wouldn't like me and  now he's just another member of the family. He quite clearly belongs with us. And now "us" wouldn't feel like us without him.

MICHAEL 

There was this one day in my junior year when I just really didn't want to go sit with the people I normally ate lunch with. So Annastacia, being the saint that she is, invited me over to her table. And (lol) to be honest, I was kinda scared because she kept saying her friends were weird and that they'd probably be talking about video games or other things that she had no idea about. So by the time I got to the table, I was expecting evil glares because these people sounded so different from  me. When we arrived there, Annastacia introduced me and told me their names. Before I could even get a word out, Michael got up, gave me his seat, and then got himself another one. Not sure I've ever been that surprised in my life (except for this one time that I got dragged into going to a haunted house). People back home were never that nice. And he didn't even know me. He was just a good guy. Weird. And funny how a simple gesture has stuck with me this long. And how an awesome friendship has come out of it.

OKAY THAT'S EVERYTHING SORRY FOR SUCH A LONG POST. 

I was just feeling really grateful. And blessed. Because I know I'm blessed. And I don't ever want to take advantage of that. I'm lucky. 

6 became 7 and 7 became 8. And together, we're a weird little family. Weird, but good. Definitely good.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Boys Suck / Emotions Suck

I've been sitting around since I got home from school, just thinking. So I was finally like "Jordan get up and get over this. Stop thinking so much." Because, you see, one tiny thing happens and suddenly every philosophical question that has ever been thought up pops into my head.

So I decided to blog it out.

Here's a little blog all about how boys and emotions suck... In fact, I'll probably make that the title. Here we go.

If you've known me for a while or have read my blog posts before, then you know I was in a really long relationship with a guy back in Michigan. Toxic. Really bad. Really, really bad break up. So bad that ever since then, I have refused to be in a relationship. Flings have happened but that's different. Because, from what I've seen of relationships, they rarely work out. I always tell people I never plan on getting married. Never plan on having kids.

Anyway let me tell you the most frustrating thing. After the break up with that guy, there were some absolutely wonderful- and I mean wonderful- guys back home that had respected my relationship enough to not have told me they liked me during it, but afterwards brought up that they did actually like me. And when I moved to Washington? Well, again, I met some phenomenal boys who took an interest in me.

And like obviously my reaction should've been like "Oh my god I can't believe this amazing boy likes me I want to date him right now and I'll be the luckiest girl ever and it'll be great wow this rocks." But silly me likes to just shut them out before I give them a chance because, as of right now, I don't believe that love- the romantic kind, at least- exists.

So I guess that's not even the most frustrating part.

This is the most frustrating part: I was lucky. So so so so so lucky. And had I acted like a normal teenage girl and at least given those guys chances, then maybe we could've had great relationships. But I didn't. And time has passed and GUESS WHAT OMG JORDAN FELL FOR A BOY. A BOY THAT PROBABLY DOESN'T LIKE HER BACK.

I know that everything happens for a reason but damn does this suck. And I know- all teenagers go through liking someone who doesn't like them back. It's normal. It happens. But I don't know... I guess that doesn't make the situation much easier at the moment.

I guess I have a couple points to make and here they are...

POINT #1: I really hope those boys that liked me in the past find girls that love them and treat them right and know how lucky they are to have them. Seriously. They deserve absolutely nothing but the best.

POINT #2: Wow does it suck when someone doesn't like you back. Or at least they don't like you as much as you like them.

POINT #3:  But I'll be okay and life will go on and this won't even matter a year from now.

But for the moment, Jordan is sad. (And she's also speaking in third person???) And I don't know if it's solely because this boy doesn't like me as much as I like him or if it's because this is the first time in a reaaaaaaaaally long time that I've let myself be dumb enough to fall for a boy and then he ended up not being into me.

I know this was a stupid blog but writing makes me feel better and even though you probably got nothing out of this... thanks for reading. I appreciate it a lot.

You rock.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Alcoholism

Google’s definition of a Rube Goldberg project is a “contraption, invention, device or apparatus that is deliberately over-engineered or overdone to perform a very simple task in a very complicated fashion, usually including a chain reaction.”

Here’s a cute little diagram of a Rube Goldberg example:

My sister and a bunch of her friends had to create a Rube Goldberg project for their science class. They put, like, 60ish hours into this project. They taped every single try. Try after try after try. There was hope each time right before they cut the string on the first object that this might be the time it worked.

After over 100 tries, they called it quits. The project didn’t work. (Don’t worry- they still got credit for effort.)

-----

Being co-dependent on an alcoholic seems to be like that. I wouldn’t know because I’m not co-dependent on an alcoholic, but someone in my life is.

He/she said today that he/she hasn’t given up hope on the alcoholic because he/she is optimistic that maybe this time- the ten million and eighth time-would be better.

It won’t be.

He/she is going to hope time after time for his/her own personal Rube Goldberg project to work. And it won’t. The project is a failure. The only way to get an A for this project is to accept defeat, give up, and try better on the next assignment- whatever that may be.

For the outsiders, alcoholism is scary. But I think those who are co-dependent on alcoholics are scarier. Because at least we know that the alcoholics have a serious disease. The others… Well, they just don’t know how to live without the alcoholic.

-----

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from having an alcoholic and a co-dependent in my life (well, besides to stay away from drinking alcohol regularly), it’s that the only person I truly ever need is myself. That might sound super cynical but it’s really not. It’s just that, now I know if someone comes into my life and treats me or the ones I love badly, I know that I will survive without them. I know I’ll need to get rid of them. And that I will be okay.

Once I live under my own roof and get to choose who gets to be in my life, I'll make sure that nobody who brings me constant sadness will get to be around me.

I deserve kindness, happiness, respect, love and positivity. And I am so, so close to being able to get rid of the people who don't give me those things.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

The World Is Vastly Important and I Am Not

You ever have one of those days that's actually pretty great and then a bunch of stuff happens and it turns into the worst day ever? That was today.

This is obviously going to be a sad blog. My feelings are validated because I say so. Blogging/writing helps me deal with being sad. If you don't like that, then stop reading.

Do you ever start to think about the big picture? Like wow- I only have one friend at my high school that I trust and would call a "best friend." Everyone else... Well. I certainly love a lot of people. And I know a lot of people at least like me. But do I trust them? Not really. Will I talk to them after high school? Who knows? Do they know anything important about me? Nope.

Like there are so many people that I would do anything for just to make sure they'd be happy. But that isn't reciprocated. And I know that. But there are nights like tonight when that sets in and makes me sad.

Sometimes I wonder if the world would be better off without me but I realize that that's kind of vain. I don't have that big of an effect on the world. Einstein and George Washington and John Lennon died. And people got on with their lives. So of course they'd get on without me. Duh.

When I moved to Washington, I told myself to not get close to anyone because people always leave or disappoint. But people were nice and so I got close to them anyway. And it is my senior year and I am about to graduate and the leaving and the disappointing are happening.

I sort of regret it a little bit. But then again, I did make some really cool memories. And for awhile, like last summer through the end of 2014, I really felt like I belonged and I was apart of something. And it was great. Really, it was.

"Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody." -The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Life will probably go on. Probably. Most likely. Definitely.

And other people will disappoint me and I'll get over it. And as the days pass, the pain will hurt less. And one day I'll probably be able to look back and say it was all worth it. I certainly hope so.

But for now, I feel alone and sad and let down. And nobody can convince me that my feeling this way is wrong or dumb or anything else.

Feelings can't be wrong. They're feelings.

And in the end, I know that anyone who's worth it will stick around. They'll support me and listen and won't judge. They'll respect my decisions and not act as if my emotions are being wrongly felt. They'll force me to talk about the things making me sad even if I lie and say I don't want to. They'll love me the way I am and they won't talk over me and they'll remind me that I'm worth it. And I will do the same to them. That is a best friend. And that is what I deserve. That's what you deserve, too, by the way.

May tomorrow bring more smiles and less tears. And may we be happy.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Internet Friends

Before I begin, here are two little notes:

• If you are one of my Internet friends and I didn't mention you I STILL LOVE YOU SO MUCH I SWEAR YOU ARE THE BEE'S KNEES AND YOU ARE PERFECT. I just decided to not write about God knows how many (40? 80? the world may never know) friends I've made over social media.
• If you're someone I know in real life, surprise! You can make friends over the Internet that don't end up being 55-year-old creepy white men. How cool! :-)

So here are some of my friends the first time I ever met up with them.

Look how lovely they are. They just make my heart smile. Okay so now I'm going to quickly talk about 5 beautiful friends I have.

1.) Daleeya - Daleeya is a ball of joy. She's easy to talk to and she is my concert buddy. Daleeya has taught me that it's okay to go to a ridiculous amount of concerts if I want to. She's made me realize that it is completely fine for concerts to be my happy place. And that's so cool! Next week, I'm going to a concert for a band called Against The Current here in Seattle. Unfortunately, I was the only one among my friends who got a VIP ticket. This VIP ticket means I'll be showing up early, meeting the band, getting early access to merch, watching an acoustic show, etc. Now Daleeya and our other friend will both be there for the regular concert, but I will be alone for the VIP portion... And if it wasn't for Daleeya, I don't think I'd be brave enough to do it by myself. Yes, I'm going to be alone but I'm going to go meet an amazing band and it'll be great. Plus, I get to chill with Daleeya during the real concert. YAY.

Daleeya and me heading to the store to warm up for a little 

while our friends were saving our spots in line for the Bad Suns concert.

2.) Bailey - I created the account that connected me to all of these people during the first week of November 2014. It's only March now but one thing that I have gained phenomenally fast is confidence. Self-love. Not hating myself. Bailey is the person who- not even knowingly- helped me the most with this. Bailey is a beautiful person who holds herself really well. When I first met her, I was intimidated because of this. My thought process was kind of like: "Okay this girl is beautiful. She's funny. She must have some true talent to make the wings of her eyeliner look that good... But she knows she's beautiful. And that's weird. Nobody knows they're beautiful." And at that point in my life, I believed that to be true. It is so rare for me to come across someone who loves him/herself... which, now, is really hard for me to think about. And the people that do love themselves aren't cocky or selfish or full of themselves... They're just them. And they know there's nothing wrong with them. And now it seems silly to ever think otherwise. I'm beautiful and pretty good at putting makeup on others and I'm good at writing and I'm caring and I'm all these awesome adjectives; however, previous to November, had someone asked what I liked about myself, I could not have responded. It's weird how one person that I don't even know that well changed every thought I had about myself. The Internet is weird. But Bailey rocks.

The only picture Bailey and I have taken together (which is weird to think about).

She's the one directly to my left!

3.) Melisa - I could go on for hours about how much this girl inspires me.  Although Melisa is younger than I am, I absolutely look up to her.  She really taught me how important it is to take care of myself.  It's okay to take a day off if you're too depressed to get out of bed.  It's okay to put yourself before others- and to not feel guilty about it.  When I went to her house for her birthday party, Melisa actually supported me when I told her I really needed to go home and be alone.  She's the type of friend I hope everyone has. She's so intelligent and, even now, after all this time of knowing her, her wisdom shocks me constantly. It is so great having a friend that I can talk to about feminism and equal rights and the acceptance of mental illnesses.  I could talk to Melisa for years and never get bored or angry.  I aim to be more like her every day. (Also, just gonna throw it out there that when Melisa's eyes are in the sunlight and they're all glittery and sparkly... It's the prettiest sight of all time.)

Melisa and me in front of the fountain at Key Arena at our last

big meetup which was actually for her birthday!

4.) Logan - Logan has taught me that it's okay to love celebrities.  It sounds silly but I adore her for teaching me this.  People like Ed Sheeran, 5 Seconds of Summer, One Direction, etc. have made such an impact on my life and I do genuinely love them.  They give me reasons to smile and laugh and be into music. Adults often laugh at fangirls and fanboys for loving artists and spending money on them when it's considered normal for grown men and women to spend endless amounts of money on tickets to sporting events and jerseys with the names of people they'll never meet on them. Logan has showed me that, yeah, I love Michael Clifford and Harry Styles. And that's awesome. Because music is actually what brought ALL of my Internet friends and me together. We wouldn't even know each other otherwise. I love these artists not only for giving me amazing music to listen to but also because they've created all these new friendships. So yes, I love them. And it's not embarrassing. It's rad. (Thank you, Logan.)

Logan (the blond directly to my right) and me the first time we met

featuring a happy Grace :)

5.) Leilee - Lastly, Leilee. Where do I even start? Leilee was my first friend that I made on a social media site other than YouTube (quick shout out to Lexi and Summer and my YouTube pals). We started talking immediately about stuff that wasn't super on-the-surface and that's how I knew I liked her. We just get along so well and she makes me so happy. I picture Leilee being one of my bridesmaids if I ever get married. She's the type of person that I could talk to all day, every day and not get bored, but she's also the person that if I don't talk to for awhile, then when we start talking again, we pick up right where we left off. I adore her. Leilee is kind and beautiful and hilarious and genuine and the best friend I could've ever asked for. I'm so lucky to know her and to have her in my life. Meeting her was one of the best days of my life and the only reason I forced back tears was because there were way too many pictures being taken that day for my eye makeup to be ruined (not even joking ok this was a big day).

Moments after Leilee and I first met when she showed up for the Bad Suns concert.

I love this picture so much because look how great she looks and how happy I look even

though like half my face is squished.

Just gonna throw this out here real quick... If you want to see Leilee and me meeting for the first time, here's a cute little Vine that will allow you to do so: https://vine.co/v/Ot1vg9E0Zlh

So that's that, I suppose. Moral of the story: Internet friends are cool. They are not all psychotic, elderly men. So that's good news.

The reason that I even thought up this blog was because we all know I've struggled with depression for a very long time and this week has just been pretty rough for me. But I tried thinking of things I'm grateful for and these people came to mind.

Look at all these reasons to keep on living:

:)

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan