Christmas in July

The last weekend of each July is my favorite time of the year. It's reserved for 3 days of zero sleep, tears, hugs, and friendship. It's this convention and it's better than Christmas.

This year, the convention was held in Michigan so the day beforehand, I helped set up... Which included putting like 100 of these posters on dorm doors.

The day of, I was so jittery and excited. You should've seen me. I was practically bouncing off the walls. My friend, Meghan, who is from Kentucky, was messaging me to give updates on how far away their bus was. When she let me know that she was there, I grabbed a handful of Michigan people + others who'd already arrived and we booked it to the roundabout where the buses had been arriving.

Seeing Meaghan is something I'll never forget because she got off the bus and ran to hug me. There's just something so powerful about connecting with someone after an entire year has passed.

This is my 5th year at this convention and something that's cool about being a returning member is that I get to go back and see how much I (and other people) have grown. For example, my hair rocked last summer, and although it's different now, I still love Sage. (But actually though, I do miss my purple hair.)

We're just one big family. It's such a unique feeling to be able to go up to any group of people and feel like you belong. It's like, the biggest squad ever.

It's all very fast-paced. There's a lot to do. There's a lot of people to meet and a lot of old friends to catch up with. There's a lot going on. But this year, one of my favorite memories was Friday night. I was just sitting with a handful of people by a fountain in the middle of the night, fighting back sleepiness when someone let me lay on their blanket. (Shout out to Bobby!) And so I was surrounded by awesome people, looking up at the stars which I could actually see and it was so rad and laughing with someone I'd just gotten to know about how Doritas are female Doritos.

Looking back, the moment must have seemed so small and unimportant to those around me, but to me, it was everything. That sense of inner peace is just so phenomenal. 

An activity that we did was write down our hopes and dreams onto a butterfly. So me, being the polar opposite of an artist, scribbled down some things since I can't draw. It's not exactly aesthetically pleasing to the eye, but the ideas behind it are sorta cool.

Now here comes the best part: the banquet. This is when all of us go get dressed up and then come back for dinner. During the getting-ready portion, I totally burnt my left hand, but my best friend, Natasha, helped me make this super sketchy cast thingy. Totally worked well enough to get me through curling the rest of my hair.

Here's my  yearly banquet photo with my grandpa! He's actually the one who got me to my first convention five years ago. I love you. And thank you for everything- including my banquet dress!

Here I am with the gorgeous Rylin and Shannon. It's hard to believe that they're younger than I am because they're so mature. Being around them is easy and fun and I hope they both had as much fun this past weekend as I did.

BELLA! MY LOVE! It's so strange that I just met Bella last year because I feel so protective of her now. She's a ball of joy and she makes my heart happy. Do you ever just meet someone and think "they deserve to never feel sadness"? That's how it is with Bella.

Ok. We didn't plan this, but Shannon, Natasha, Bradley and I all wore black which brings us Bradley's Angels. I mean, for it being coincidental and all, I think we look pretty good.

It's funny how life works. Bobby and I had never really met before even though we'd attended a conference together; however, this year's conference brought us together to become friends! And lucky me got to call him my date for the banquet. It's fascinating how different we are to the rest of the world compared to the people we meet here. Bobby, remember to smile! Smiling looks good on you. Oh- and I never said anything, but as soon as I finished my song at the talent show, you stood up and gave me a standing ovation. I never thanked you for that, so thank you. :)

AND through Bobby, I met his friend Michael who ended up being a great guy. I love people that are just easy to talk to. Michael had me laughing all weekend.

 NOW IT'S TIME FOR BRADLEY. Bradley was probably one of the most difficult people to say goodbye to. We met last year when he helped run the convention and I'm so lucky to say we got closer this year. My favorite thing about Bradley is that he makes me feel welcomed- like I'm not bothering him. I wasn't afraid to just walk up to him and hug him and I think that's really cool. Bradley, I know life isn't always kind to you but you really do deserve nothing but the best. I love you a lot and I hope you know that I feel very blessed to have you in my life... Even with your weird dinosaur arms and really short volleyball shorts.

At the convention, we all wear these things around our neck called Fuzzies. They're just made of yarn. When you hug someone, you take one of their strings and tie it onto your Fuzzie and they do the same. It was the last day of the convention when I took a Fuzzie string from Bradley, Natasha and Shannon to make a bracelet. We all ended up with one. I pray that I don't lose mine. Seriously. Every time I look at it, I think of them and I smile.

The last person I want to talk about is Natasha. She's one of my absolute best friends and she ended up coming back to Michigan with me after the convention even though she's from Ohio. We went kayaking and paddle-boating and swimming and just had so much fun. I love her with everything in me and can't wait to see her in a few weeks.

So I guess that's it for this year. From singing to stargazing to meeting new friends and everything in between, I'm here to say that I'm happy. 

Life is good. I hope you're in a good place too.

I love you. Lots and lots and whooole bunches. Uh. And stuff. You know? Arghhh.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

18.

One of my good friends (shout out to Manny) texted me almost exactly at midnight to wish me a happy 18th birthday and asked a really good question: Why was I not night-blogging? So here I am. Night-blogging.

Right. So. Okay. 18. Wow.

Because of the depression that I faced for nearly a decade, I never thought I would graduate high school or turn 18. But I just graduated high school. And now I'm 18. And I'm just sitting here in my room with a smile on my face because life rocks and I'm so happy to be experiencing it!

This won't be a long post or anything. Nothing too like "wow that was an important quote that I'll remember" or whatever.

I just wanted to say thank you to all the positive people in my life that kept me going. And I'm not just talking about these past few years in Washington. There are people that I'm no longer in contact with that helped me very much during my time in Michigan, and if you're reading this, thank you.

Yes, a large part of what got me here today is, in fact, me; however, the amount of love and support I've received is monumental and not to be forgotten. I am lucky. And I'm sad that I didn't realize that sooner.

Here are the first selfies I took of me being an 18-year-old.

What's funny is that, a few years ago, I wouldn't have been brave enough to post any type of selfie... Let alone weird, funny ones of me holding the best stuffed animal ever. And yeah, like, they're weird and everything... but do you see how happy I look? That's so cool! Because I am happy. And it's the coolest thing. Seriously.

Today will be spent meeting up with Internet friends and attending a One Direction concert at Century Link Field in Seattle. 

But for now? Sleep.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

I Love Life

I love my life.

I love blurry photos and candids and nature and sunsets and the beach and the ocean. I love that feeling you get when you're twirling around so fast that your dress gets poofy. I love falling for boys who won't ever want me back. I love tattoos and stories behind tattoos. I love sitting at the dinner table with family when we go around and each say our favorite part about the day. I love performing. I love singing an original song and looking out into the audience and watching them sing along because they know the words.

I love that maybe one day I'll fall in love. I love that maybe I won't. I love traveling. I love walking barefoot. I love learning the verses to raps and surprising people when I can sing the song. I love deep conversations about things that people normally avoid. I love when people are open with me and trust me. I love road trips. I love that feeling of just standing in a general admission concert and looking up and seeing someone you love just a few feet away.

I love looking around the bonfire and seeing 6 of my best friends. I love exploring places near home that feel far away. I love the feeling when you go down the first big hill of a roller coaster. I love making wishes at 11:11. I love the new opportunities that New Years fireworks bring.

I love getting off of a long airplane ride and seeing a familiar face. I love putting the needle down on my record player and hearing music. I love the excitement that I feel when someone special texts me. I love meeting friends for the first time in real life and running into their arms. I love when I listen to a song and it reminds me of someone. I love receiving pen pal letters. I love writing pen pal letters.

I love guiding people around Seattle. I love being guided around new cities. I love taking photos. I love when the winter has been freezing and then suddenly its warm enough to snow so you don't even feel cold. I love stepping onto my college campus. I love turning the fan on when it's hot out. I love old alarm clocks. I love polaroid cameras. I love being so entranced by a movie that I forget about real life.

I love holding hands. I love that moment when you hand someone a gift and it isn't their birthday or a holiday and so they're surprised. I love when one of your best friends calls you because she's scared of killing a spider and you're the first person she thought to talk to. I love when you get to finally lay down after a long, long day.

I love opening a new book. I love looking into someone's eyes and your stare holds just long enough to know that you love each other. I love dreams that inspire novels. I love journals that have writing on every page. I love complimenting shy or old or awkward people and seeing their reactions. I love unveiling my newly colored hair to the world. I love being told "you're so much nicer than I thought you'd be."

I love when someone sees something that reminds them of me and sends me a picture of the object. I love reconnecting with people I've lost touch with. I love turning the TV on and seeing that it's Harry Potter Weekend on ABC family. I love receiving good report cards. I love signing up for new classes. I love the feeling of accomplishment that occurs when your phone is on 1% but you get it into the charger before it dies. I love opening silly snapchats. I love finding old things at garage sales.

I love opening things in the mail that I've ordered online and forgotten about. I love shaking snow globes. I love the sound of a ball against a bat hitting a home run. I love getting to my vacation spot after lots of traveling to do so. I love discovering talented bands/artists that aren't well known. I love complimenting people on things that aren't physical. I love dancing in the rain. I love cuddling with one of my best friends because I know that we'll have to separate soon, considering we live on opposite sides of the country. I love that feeling of seeing my best friends that don't live near me. I love holding onto them and crying and just being blessed by their presence. 

I love fuzzy blankets. I love handmade gifts. I love long, detailed texts explaining why you like me. I love hanging posters and wall art in my room. I love the feeling when I've done my makeup well. I love wearing new clothes and feeling really confident. I love being brave enough to call someone and ask to hang out. I love being able to just lay there in silence with someone and not have it be awkward. I love long necklaces. I love songs that relate to how I'm feeling.

I love the smell of vanilla. I love pandas. I love group chats. I love strings of lights that make rooms look like an eternal Christmas. I love bonus tracks on albums. I love going underwater and just staying there for as long as possible. I love the feeling of motivation I (rarely) get when I decide to clean my room or go for a run. I love when lyrics randomly come to me in the shower. I love cleaning my glasses and seeing the world from a clearer point of view. I love putting pajamas on after wearing jeans all day. I love singing loudly in the car.

I love life for giving me the friends that I have.

I love crying happy tears. I love crying happy tears because I feel so blessed. I love that I overcame the obstacles that faced me. I love that those hard times made me a stronger, better, and happier person. I love who I am. I love what I've accomplished. I love... this. Whatever "this" is.

I love life. I love life. I love life. I love my life.

And I'm so glad I stuck around to experience it. 

And I'm so glad I stuck around to experience it with you.

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan

Graduation

So I graduated from high school last week and it's still very surreal. I always, always, always told myself that I'd never graduate. And because I was depressed for so long, I absolutely believed that. But I did it. I graduated. And it's really cool.

Recently, I've been very happy. It's sort of an odd feeling since it's still a bit foreign, but it's such a light emotion compared to sadness. :) Happy Jordan is happy.

AND while Maddie Bogart was giving her speech at the farewell assembly, I saw myself in the future. Like lots of people see themselves with a partner or kids or working or with a house in the future, but this has never happened to me ever. So when this happened on Thursday, it was insane. I saw myself as a 30/40-year-old teacher working with my special education students (what I plan on majoring in). I still can't believe this happened. It was so cool.

I just wanted to quickly give a shout out to some people who got me to graduation. Without you guys, I don't think I would've made it here.

Family
Every person in my family has helped me out in one way or another so it would be silly to list all of you, but obvious shout-outs should go to my mom; my sister, Jenna; and my Aunt Tracy and Uncle Mike. Thank you for keeping me alive.

Teachers
Ms. Noonan helped me more than she probably realizes. She was like my second mom who I could go to for anything. I really believe that I wouldn't be here without her placing me in the dance team my junior year.

The other teacher who helped me a lot was Ms. Johnson. Her class was like my safe haven. It was very open and I loved it because I was able to look forward to writing every day. Her Creative Writing class was the best class (besides Dance) that I've taken in my 13 years of public schooling.

Young Life Leaders
Lauren and Brandon Patchin gave me a place to grow in my faith with God. They taught me more about my faith and opened a ridiculous amount of doors for me. I know I wouldn't be going to a Christian college if it weren't for them. Thank you both for making me a better person.

Internet Friends ♥
Kenz - Thank you for being like another little sister to me and a wonderful best friend. You're a blessing and thank you for always being someone I can talk to.

Bailey - Thank you for teaching me that it's not cocky or wrong to love myself. Because of you, I like who I am and I think that's the #1 reason why I'm happy now.

Leilee - Thank you for being one of my best friends. Your beauty (internal and external) radiates and makes me want to be more like you AKA a better person.

Logan - Thank you for always making me laugh. You're someone that I look forward to talking to and being around and there really aren't that many people in my life that I feel that way about.

Annika - Like Logan, thank you for being someone who never fails to make me smile. I'm lucky to be able to call you my friend and that I've gotten the chance to (finally) meet you in real life. The biggest thing I've learned from you is that it's okay to express my opinions LOL THANK YOU FOR THAT.

Alli - Thank you for being one of those people who is chill and open-minded and wonderful. (Not to mention insanely talented.) You and I are a lot alike personality-wise and I love that. You make me so happy and I can't wait to see you in LESS THAN 2 WEEKS!!

Friends ♥
Disclaimer: Even though I'm not super close with all of the people below, they all impacted me in one way or another that resulted in me wanting to continue high school. So here we go!

The dance team has been the biggest support system I've ever had. I still struggle understanding how I was lucky enough to be blessed with all of you.

Special shout-outs go to the Disney Divas (Maddie, Katie C., Emily N., Annastacia and Ashley) and Katie E. and Audrey W.

Cherie and Matt - I don't think I would've made it through my junior year without you guys. Thank you both for sticking by me in my difficult times and reminding me that life would get better.

 Christobal - You are someone who just makes my life better. You make me happy. You're someone I feel at ease with- like I can be completely myself and don't have to try to be anything that I'm not. And I feel so lucky that I was able to spend my senior prom with you.

Erich and Josh and Eric - The three of you really made my junior year a lot better. 2 of you helped me (sort of) get through my first (and only) haunted house and 1 of you was not only my backstage-of-the-musical friend, but also a huge inspiration. You guys are all wonderful and I know that the future has great things in store for you. Thank you for making my junior year great and for brightening up a lot of my days last year!

Delaney - You've become like a sister to me. We're weirdly similar and I adore that. Thank you for always being here for me and for going on spontaneous roadtrips and for pushing me to be better.

Drake - Without knowing it, you impacted me a lot during my junior year at Kamiak. There was one day in particular when you gave me a pep talk that affected me so much that I remember writing about it in my journal. I don't even think you were aware, but there were certain days when your positivity lifted my spirits immensely. Thank you for that.

Claire - You've made me someone who cares about the world. Without you, I'd still probably be ignorant of so much. Now I'm not only a feminist and advocate for equality, but I'm a better Christian. And I have you to thank. I love you because I don't have to hide anything from you. And I also love that we twin by accident more often than not.

Cameron - Not even sure where to begin. You are by far the weirdest and most free-spirited and best person I know. Being around you makes me happy; you give the best advice; and I'm so excited to see what you accomplish in life. Whatever happens, I'm proud to call you my friend.

Paige - You were like my mentor during junior year. I have no idea what I would've done without you or our rides home or our random McDonald's dates. I cannot wait to go to college with you. More adventures await.

Taylor - My oldest friend. When we were growing up, I thoroughly had everyone convinced that we were cousins. From Cedar Point to camping to fairs... All my memories with you are incredible. I'm so excited for the future. Maybe you'll have kids and I can show them your baby photos and embarrass you (I hope so). Wherever the future takes us, I know that we'll still be friends, because, really, what would I do without you? 

Rebekah - I can't believe we did it. I am so proud of you. I know that we both go through a lot, but look! We made it!!! Together. Stay strong. Stay beautiful. Stay you. Always.

Austin - You are living proof that humans have the capability to grow and change. You've become such an amazing person/role model. Although I only get to see you once or twice a year now, you still manage to make my life easier to live. Thank you for everything.

Natasha - It's kind of insane to think that such an incredible friendship began because I needed someone to hold a microphone for me. You are one of my best friends and I truly don't know what I'd do without you. I hate the distance between us but somehow we manage to conquer it. Thank you for listening to me cry; for taking me on roadtrips; for loving me unconditionally; for picking me up at the airport at 1:30 am... For being you.

Jake - You were the first friend who ever really stuck around during my rough times. You proved that someone would not only care about me and fight for me, but would make it through and be there for me in my good times too. I love you endlessly. When we first met, we just clicked so fast that it was undeniable that a wonderful friendship was in the future. I can't even put words together to tell you how thankful I am for you.

The 8 Of Us Group - Thank you for always giving me reasons to keep going. You guys are a huge reason that I made it through my senior year. I can't imagine going through my last year of high school with anyone else. I don't know where the 8 of us will end up in the future, but I hope we still have adventures in our paths.

Diefa - My best friend. My other half. I love you I love you I love you. I go to you in my best times, my worst times, and my in-between times. When I see something funny on Tumblr, I screenshot it and send it to you without hesitation. When you call, I click the "answer" button without even thinking about it (unlike me with the rest of the human population). You make life worth living. You've shown me that it's possible to trust people after not trusting anyone for years. I can't wait to watch you get married and to spoil your kids and to be those elderly best friends who have some crazy Transformation Tuesdays. We're gonna take on the future and it's gonna be rad because we'll have each other.

Patty Walters - Patty is his own category. I met Patty at Vid Con and he ended up having this phenomenal band called "As It Is". This band sort of introduced me to alternative music which, now, is a massive part of my life. So when I met Patty again at one of his shows in Seattle, I asked him to write a tattoo for me- one of his lyrics. So, forever written on my back, is "I just want to believe in something" in his handwriting. Because of Patty, I've become a fan of lots of new bands, made a ridiculous amount of friends, gone to a ton of concerts, and I feel comfortable wearing black and band shirts- without fear of being judged.

I MADE IT, KIDS! And I'm here to tell you that you can too. Because while these people did help me, in the end, it was me who chose to stay alive. Me who chose to keep fighting. Me who decided that it might all be worth it.

And I'm here to tell you that it gets better. And that you can do this. 

Life is good.

And because I love quotes so much, I'm going to leave you with one: "We are graduating members from the class of 'we made it.'" -Shane Koyczan

-Jordan xx

Twitter: www.twitter.com/Jordan_Winans

YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanashleywinans

Vlogging YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jordanwinansvlogs

Tumblr: www.battle-wound.com

Instagram: @wtvr.jordan