Losing Myself

Sometimes it's really easy for me to forget who I want to be.

I want to be:

• happy
• thin
• loving
• welcoming
• nonjudgmental
• trustworthy
• a good singer
• a good writer
• someone other people enjoy being around
• the daughter that my mom and dad hope for
• a decent sister
• a good guitarist
• a role model
• an actress
• pretty
• successful
• motivated
• productive
• healthy

So why do I act like the opposite of all those things?

Sometimes I just get so caught up in all the negativity that surrounds me- all the bad vibes. I find myself getting really sad, angry, and hostile. I'm addicted to my depression and that's something that's never going to change or go away. The way that I deal with my disease is what defines me. I really have come a long way. My recovery has improved a ton.

But maybe I'm afraid of happiness. It's almost like I want to relapse and be sad. Maybe I'm trying to self-destruct because I don't know what to do with this new-found hope. 

I guess I've sort of lost myself a bit. But is that part of my recovery: struggling, finding my way through it, and ending up stronger? I hope so.

It'd at least make all of this... insanity... make sense.

Onto news of... CALMING ANXIETY:

Here's a gif. It was specifically created to calm anxiety. I know it seems strange, but add this to your list of tools if a panic attack is coming on. 

Simple, but effective!

ALL ABOUT WASHINGTON

My school is really... not bad at all. It's strange coming from a small, sketchy school. Now I'm surrounded by thousands of kids with Prada bags and wallets full of their parents' money. I'm sort of a misfit, but I think that's okay. I know I'm not the only kid with $5 in their pocket in case I need lunch or something out of a vending machine. (The school has like 7 vending machines. Wtf.)

Seattle is beautiful and I hope to spend a day their soon. It's beautiful driving through the city at night, with all the gorgeous lights.

Isn't it sort of mesmerizing to see all those buildings with the lights still on at midnight? I can't help but have curiosity take over and wonder what these peoples' stories are. Working late to feed their families; young adults partying; friends catching up; Starbucks making loads of money. I mean, who knows? It's sort of fantastical if you think about it. 

How immensely tiny and insignificant is my existence?

And is there any way I can make my life any more... memorable?

-Jordan xx

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